Note: This “Redneck Test” was taken from Jeff Foxworthy’s 1997 Calendar. These, and all proceeding “You Might Be a Redneck If“, jokes were written by him.
You Might Be a Redneck IF
. . . you were acquitted for murdering your first wife after she threw out your Elvis 45’s.
. . . you think watching professional wrestling is foreplay.
. . . your front porch collapses and four dogs get killed.
. . . you no longer drink wine ever since the screw cap got caught up your nose.
. . . you think that Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader.
. . . that billboard that says, “Say No To Crack” reminds you to pull up your jeans.
. . . your wife’s hairdo was ever ruined by a ceiling fan.
. . . you go to your family reunions looking for a date.
. . . you think a Volvo is part of a woman’s anatomy.
. . . your Junior/Senior Prom had a Daycare.
. . . you’ve got more than three cousins named “Bubba”.
. . . you have an Elvis Jell-O mold.
. . . taking your wife on a cruise means circling the Dairy Queen.
. . . you’ve got more than one other named “Darryl”.
. . . you ever won first prize in a tobacco spittin’ contest.
. . . on Thanksgiving Day you have to decide which pet to eat.
. . . you’ve ever come home and found crime scene tape across your front porch.
. . . your favorite entree is Spam barbecued on the grill.
. . . your child’s first words were, “Attention K-Mart shoppers!”.
. . . your idea of high-quality entertainment is a six-pack and a bug-zapper.
. . . your whole family is Democrats except little Mary. She got to readin’.
. . . you think the last words to The Star Spangled Banner are “Gentlemen, start your engines.”
. . . you kissed your own wife at midnight at the New Year’s Eve party.
. . . you’ve ever taken reading material into an airplane restroom.
. . . you’ve ever gotten an official letter of recognition from a tobacco or beer company.
. . . you vacuum the sheets instead of washing them.
. . . you’ve ever valet parked a snow plow.
. . . you’ve ever stood in line to have your picture made with a freak of nature.
. . . you break wind in public and blame it on your kid.
. . . you’ve ever had to siphon gas from your lawn mower to put into your truck.
. . . you’ve ever paid for a six-pack of beer with pennies.
. . . there are hubcap wind chimes anywhere on your block.
. . . you have a Bud Light pool-table light hanging over your dining room table.
. . . the strongest smell in your house is butane.
. . . you think paprika is a Third World country.
. . . you ask the preacher, “How’s it hanging?”
. . . you go to a stock car race and don’t need a program.
. . . you have a bumper sticker that says, “My mother’s an honor student” at the local junior high.
. . . you think potted meat on a saltine is an hors d’oeuvre.
. . . you played the banjo in your high school band.
. . . the UFO hotline limits you to one call per day.
. . . your spring wardrobe mostly involves using scissors.
. . . your tires are worth more than your truck.
. . . you tried to claim “loss of teeth” as an exemption on your taxes.
. . . your daddy’s legacy is a gun rack and Jerry Clower’s autograph on a Stuckey’s napkin.
. . . you bought your best pair of shoes off the impulse rack by the register.
. . . you think beef jerky and Moonpies are two of the major food groups.
. . . you take out a home improvement loan to buy a new camper shell.
. . . you and six of your neighbors split a cable bill.
. . . Jack Daniels makes your list of most admired people.
. . . you prefer car keys to Q-tips.
. . . you have a sign on your front door explaining house rules and liability.
. . . people don’t recognize your car without a dead animal on the hood.
. . . your mailbox holds up one end of your clothesline.
. . . you participate in a “Who can spit tobacco the farthest?” contest.
. . . you know of at least six different ways to bend the bill of a baseball cap.
. . . you’re not actually able to read The Richard Petty Story, but you do like to look at the pictures.
. . . you’ve ever had to appear in court because of your dogs.
. . . the front license plate of your car has the words “Foxy Lady” written in airbrush.
. . . your checks feature pictures of dogs fighting.