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You are here: Home / Jokes / Doctor Jokes / Vasectomy Jokes

Vasectomy Jokes

July 8, 2009 by F&J Staff 11 Comments

As I sit here I’m contemplating having a vasectomy, you know… the “removing” of your manhood. You know, it looks like a relatively simple procedure, heck I even asked if they had a do-it-yourself kit (true story). Afterall, $950 bucks for a 15 minute snip-snip is kinda excessive. At any rate, I won’t be cutting on my balls anytime soon – but I do have some vasectomy jokes (more of a timeline of events) if you’re in the same mood I am. We’ll call him “Bill” and this is his story.

It’s A Family Decision

VasectomyBill was at his family doctor for his annual physical exam. His doctor returned, filling out a bunch of stuff on his chart, and boasted “Your checkup went well, everything looks to be in order. Is there anything that you’d like to ask me?”

“Well,” Bill mumbles, “Actually, I was thinking about getting a vasectomy.”

“That’s a pretty big decision. Have you talked this over with your family?”

“Yeah, and they’re in favor 9 to 2.”

Right After The Operation

Bill wakes up from a vasectomy and the doctor tells him he has good news and bad news. “The good news is we were able to save your testicles. The bad news is they’re under your pillow.”

What Really Happened To Bill

While doing the vasectomy, Bill’s doctor slipped and cut off one of his testicles. In an effort to avoid a malpractice lawsuit, he replaced Bill’s missing ball with an onion.

Two weeks later, Bill returned for a checkup. “How’s your sex life?” the doc asked. “Pretty good, but I’ve had some strange side effects.” “Like what?” the nervous doc asked anxiously. “Well, every time I pee my eyes water. When my wife gives me a blow job she gets heartburn. And every time I pass a hotdog stand, I get a hard-on.”

Post-Op Final Check-Up

Six weeks after his vasectomy, Bill returns to his doctor for his scheduled semen test. The nurse hands him a little jar and points to a broom closet down the hall. After half an hour, he still hasn’t come out – and a line is forming! So she puts her ear to the door to see if he is ok. All she can hear is lots of heavy breathing and grunting, so she goes back to her station and tells the other guys to wait their turn. Fifteen minutes later the guy finally comes out, red in the face and sweating. “I’ve tried everything,” he says. “I’ve pulled it, I’ve twisted it, I’ve even pounded it on the sink, but I *still* can’t open this damn jar!”

Well, if those don’t ease your fears of going under the knife, I don’t know what will. From one man to another, cherish the manhood you have now.

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Filed Under: Doctor Jokes, Jokes, Male Jokes

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Comments

  1. danineteen says

    July 8, 2009 at 11:55 pm

    The “Months later” section put me off. He had already had a vasectomy in between the “It’s a family decision” and “Right after the operation” section, and he’s getting a vasectomy again? o_O

    Reply
  2. Francis says

    July 9, 2009 at 5:35 am

    The onion one was good

    Reply
  3. F&J Staff says

    July 9, 2009 at 9:22 am

    You’re completely right danineteen, you’d think we would have proof read it before posting it, heh. Makes more sense now.

    Reply
  4. danineteen says

    July 9, 2009 at 9:28 am

    Agreed! Makes sense now 🙂

    Reply
  5. coolcat88 says

    July 12, 2009 at 10:10 pm

    wow this joke sucked.boo

    Reply
  6. tocjv_ogb says

    October 21, 2009 at 9:39 am

    I also like the onion part.

    Reply
  7. drummer grl says

    October 27, 2009 at 4:13 pm

    Were all of these jokes written by 5th grader?

    Reply
  8. Tra says

    October 29, 2009 at 10:51 pm

    😀 oh brother. Random thought: YANKEES WON SECOND GAME IN THE WORLD SERIES YAY!

    Reply
  9. Marcus Rodregez says

    February 23, 2010 at 10:31 pm

    “I’ve pulled it, I’ve twisted it, I’ve even pounded it on the sink, but I *still* can’t open this damn jar!”

    True Story:

    My wife can’t open a jar for anything! She had a really bad heartburn one day and she need to take some medicine. So I walked in and this is what I saw:
    She was lying on the ground hitting container against the sink, and I asked her if she needed any help. So she handed it to me and I undid the childlock.

    She then told me, “My heartburn went away but now I have a really bad migrane.” I asked her why, and she said, ” Well at first I was hitting it against the counter but I tripped and then I got frustrated and started hitting my own head against the fridge.”

    Did I mention my wife, Heather is a blond. xD LMAO.

    Reply
  10. skylersucks says

    February 16, 2011 at 11:50 am

    hahahahahahahhahahahhahah i dont get it

    Reply
  11. Djack5R says

    August 5, 2016 at 11:56 am

    Your wife is a moron, not a blonde.

    Reply

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