• Kids Jokes
  • Knock Knock Jokes
  • Yo Mama Jokes
  • Dirty Jokes

Funny & Jokes

Browse literally thousands of totally free funny jokes, riddles, cartoons, pictures, videos and more. Most popular humor and joke blog on the internet.

  • Jokes
    • Bar Jokes
    • Birthday Jokes
    • Blonde Jokes
    • Bumper Stickers
    • Clean Jokes
    • Dirty Jokes
    • Doctor Jokes
    • Female Jokes
    • Gay Jokes
    • Golf Jokes
    • Insults and Cutdowns
    • Knock Knock Jokes
    • Lawyer Jokes
    • Little Johnny Jokes
    • Male Jokes
    • One Liner Jokes
    • Other Jokes
    • Police Jokes
    • Political Jokes
    • Redneck Jokes
    • Religious Jokes
    • Stupid Jokes
    • Yo Mama Jokes
  • Funny News
  • Funny Pictures
  • Videos
    • Car Videos
    • Commercials
    • Cool Videos
    • Funny Videos
    • Shocking Videos
    • Sports Videos
  • Other Stuff
    • Comics
    • Games
    • Riddles
    • Illusions
You are here: Home / Jokes / Top 10 George Carlin Quotes Of All Time

Top 10 George Carlin Quotes Of All Time

June 1, 2009 by F&J Staff 26 Comments

We’ve done our favorite Georgisms in the past, but I think posting my all time favorite quotes from George Carlin is long overdue. He’s perhaps the smartest, frankest and most honest comedian of all time. He’s not afraid to say anything, and in fact said things that made people cringe while at the same time wishing they had the courage to say that too. He changed comedy as we know it, and we’re wiser for having known him.

George CarlinAt any rate, here is the official F&J top 10:

  1. “Something is wrong here: War, disease, death, destruction, hunger, filth, poverty, torture, crime, corruption and the Ice Capades. Something is definitely wrong. This is not good work. If this is the best God can do, I am not impressed. Results like these do not belong on the resume of a supreme being. This is the kinda (expletive) you’d expect from an office temp with a bad attitude.”
  2. “I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me – they’re cramming for their final exam.”
  3. “Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?”
  4. “Well, if crime fighters fight crime and fire fighters fight fire, what do freedom fighters fight? They never mention that part to us, do they?”
  5. “I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, “Where’s the self-help section?” She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.”
  6. “Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?”
  7. “Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.” (my personal favorite)
  8. “How come when it’s us it’s ‘an abortion,’ but when it’s a chicken it’s an omelet?”
  9. “The best thing about getting old is you’re not responsible for remembering things anymore. Even important things. ‘But it was your daughter’s funeral.’ ‘I forgot!’ You can even make believe you have Alzheimer’s disease. It’s a lot of fun. You can look around the dining room table and say, ‘Who are you people and where is my horse?’
  10. “Religion has convinced people that there’s an invisible man… living in the sky, who watches everything you do every minute of every day. And the invisible man has a list of ten specific things he doesn’t want you to do. And if you do any of these things, he will send you to a special place, of burning and fire and smoke and torture and anguish for you to live forever, and suffer and burn and scream until the end of time. But he loves you. He loves you and he needs money.”

His attitude towards religion, politics and stupidity strike me as genious. Agree or disagree? Post in the comments, along with your favorite Carlin quotes.

Sharing is caring!

  • Facebook2
  • Twitter
  • Google+0
  • Pinterest0

Filed Under: Jokes, Other Stuff

What'd you think about this joke?

1 Star2 Stars3 Stars4 Stars5 Stars (81 votes, average: 4.15 out of 5)
Loading...

Related Jokes

  • 20 Fun Things To Do On An Elevator While Bored
  • Homer Simpson’s Wisdom
  • Top 20 Chemistry Jokes of Some Time
  • God Will Save Me!
  • Getting Married in Heaven

Comments

  1. Alyssa says

    June 1, 2009 at 1:00 pm

    nice xD

    Reply
  2. Alyssa says

    June 1, 2009 at 1:01 pm

    He is quite funny

    Reply
  3. Joseph Peni says

    June 1, 2009 at 2:13 pm

    George Carlin just described what he saw.

    Whether you agreed with his observations or not – he only described the realilty of the world.

    Reply
  4. danineteen says

    June 1, 2009 at 10:47 pm

    How about more frequent postings of jokes?

    Reply
  5. Guest says

    June 3, 2009 at 4:01 pm

    haha I’m totally with you there! The man’s a f***ing genius!!

    Reply
  6. vanessa says

    June 5, 2009 at 3:19 am

    i would like to comment on No. 1 and 10. joke. Well to start with according to what the bible says different from what most false religion teach. God Jehovah is not responsible for all the suffering that occurs, he allows but doesn’t cause suffering. (James 1:13-16) Romans 5:12) as for natural disaster man has contributed to global warming deforestation wars etc. Proverbs 10:22 God blesses and doesnt add pain to it.
    There’s no bible teaching about hell its a false teaching, how can father punish a child even if he has sinned by eternal tormenting fire. he will punish the wicked but not by that way(proverbs 2:21,22).
    HOW CAN SOMEONE OR SOMETHING BURN ETERNALLY, DOESN’T MAKE SENSE AT ALL.
    As for money (2cor 7:9) “God loves a cheerful giver” not compulsive giving.
    For more info. contact any Jehovah’s Witness near you. and find out what the bible really teaches.

    Reply
  7. Hiram Raj Kamal says

    June 8, 2009 at 4:37 pm

    I totally agree with Vanessa

    Reply
  8. a person says

    June 8, 2009 at 10:14 pm

    wow. you guys really are religious. but, no matter how good you are, if you don’t get saved, you really will go there. I would specify, but I’m not old enough to say it. O_o so yeah, we may be getting a bit off topic but, *beeeeep* really is in the bible. and it’s not a false teaching. what were you hoping, that no matter what you would always go to heaven even if you had no idea who god is? yeah, you wish. but… lets not start a giant religion debate that ends in the destruction of half the world… we’ll leave the government to do that. xD so anyway, great joke! bye!

    Reply
  9. Some1 says

    June 9, 2009 at 1:50 pm

    Yes there is a Hell and it is taught in the Bible. No breaking the 10 commandments won’t send you to Hell. The 10 commandments are to show us how much we need Jesus. It’s pretty simple actually. Once you become a Christian aka follower of Jesus you are not perfect or better than anyone else. You simply are saved from Hell and are beginning the path of sanctification. You will still struggle with sin but the arc of your life will change. Then you will die and then you will meet Jesus.

    Reply
  10. Chris says

    June 11, 2009 at 3:47 am

    How did some funny quotes from George Carlin turn into a religious debate? This is not the place to ram your beliefs down others throats. George was a very funny man and if you can’t take a joke then you should not look at the page. Easy !!

    Beliefs are fine, just remember that they are yours.

    Cheers

    Reply
  11. a person says

    June 11, 2009 at 6:36 pm

    dudes. this is a joke. we believe what we believe. i’m with chris on this one. i’m not going to ramble on like I did on my other comment, but the last part was supposed to end this. quote. but… let’s not start a giant religious debate that ends in the destruction of half the world… we’ll leave the government to do that. xD unquote. see? funny and finalizing. but hows about the rest of the comments be about the joke. okay? okay.

    Reply
  12. a person says

    June 11, 2009 at 6:43 pm

    also, chris? lets get something straight. i believe in christ. you believe in whatever you believe. I was not ” ramming my beliefs down others throat.” as you say we all are, I an simply stating my christianity to the world. I agree that it was not the right time or place to do it and apologise to anyone offended by my comments. but that is why I say to put this whole thing behind us. everyone. deal? alright. deal.

    Reply
  13. Fat Loss Programs Removed says

    June 12, 2009 at 10:49 pm

    one of the most brilliant comedians of all time.

    I think a lot of people don’t even realize on how high a level he functioned at.

    RIP George. Thanks!

    Reply
  14. Chris says

    June 15, 2009 at 5:13 am

    all good !! comment not directed at anyone in particular. George was a very, very funny man & he will make people laugh for years to come. Love all his work !! Thanks for the laughs George. You often made my day better

    Reply
  15. -a-t-h-i-e-s--t- says

    June 16, 2009 at 3:28 am

    carlin rules jesus drools

    Reply
  16. Big Bang says

    June 16, 2009 at 10:39 am

    These guys that wrote these comments are all comedians. ha ha ha ha

    Reply
  17. jemi says

    June 16, 2009 at 11:05 am

    dis guy is nuts… if he dosnt know god, wats d use he had been existing all des days??/ he wud certainly rot in hell if he never accepts god….

    Reply
  18. Bulldog says

    June 16, 2009 at 11:14 am

    George is a genious of his time. As for global we didnt cause it, We merely sped it up a little. Since the begining of time the earth has gone through many heating and cooling cycles. look at the dinosaurs, they starved to death because of a drought, if you dont belive this look around at all the dying evergreens, they are all thirsty. evergreens consume the most water every year about 75 gallons per tree, if I remember that right. and yes the cathlics, mormans, church of christ and several other denominations use a bible that identifies hell right inside. now im sorry but I believe in GOD but only to a certain point, because our lives not written we choose what we should do whether its rright or wrong, we must live with that consequence, if it was something bad enough you spend time in jail with no rights or dignity, “hell” if you will. if you do it by the book and get to the top of your company and have the mpost money in your family “hevean” you can see my point.

    Reply
  19. a person says

    June 18, 2009 at 1:43 pm

    hooray! finally the debate ends! oh no bulldog please don’t start this again I’M BEGGING YOU! please, people! laugh it up! end this stupid thing and start commenting stuff like, “lol datz funneh!” and whatever! PLEASE! okay… i think i made that a bit more dramatic than it needs to be. but, uhhh… no offese to bulldog. or whatever your name is in real life. and… ummm…. thank’s for actually talkin’ about george and not fighting over religion. OMG, DID I JYNX THAT??? peace out. and ummm… bye!

    Reply
  20. Sam r says

    July 14, 2009 at 10:32 pm

    Vanessa, if it’s just as possible, if not more possible, for something to burn forever than for someone to live forever. Some of what you said is true, but other parts completely contradict what the bible says. How about you think about what your doing before you put it up on the Internet for the world to see.

    Reply
  21. cracker says

    July 18, 2009 at 6:03 am

    Religion is obsolete. It slows human progress, causes unnecessary strife and conflict, clouds perception and, probably worst of all, CAUSES A LACK OF SENSE OF HUMOR! “Now, write that a hundred times. If it’s not done by sunrise I’ll cut your balls off. Hail Caesar!”

    Reply
  22. Who Knew? says

    July 28, 2009 at 10:34 am

    To say Carlin was a genius is an understatement, but how many of you knew that his father was a Catholic Priest. Religion is not the topic of this comment section, George Carlin’s Top 10 Quotes Of All Time is. He did what he loved doing, made us all laugh in the process, and lived his life to the fullest. Bravo Mr. George Carlin!!!!! He will always be in the thoughts of the people who appreciate true talent.

    Reply
  23. Mo says

    September 27, 2009 at 2:47 am

    He certainly was a GENIOUS, esp. when it comes to his ability of using, mixing, use/abuse the words. He was THE ONE. I wonder if I will see/hear someone as interesting as him in my whole life agian.

    Reply
  24. Eddie says

    March 25, 2010 at 6:48 pm

    Carlin: I wonder why he forgot to mention in his comedy routines his addiction to alcohol and Vicodin.

    Reply
  25. Crystal Richardson says

    May 8, 2011 at 11:07 pm

    I love George Carlin. I listen to him alot and I have all his books. He was very intelligent and I love how he pointed out the truths backed by real logic. He made perfect sense to me. I am reminded of that when I see “christians” that are boasting about how someone may “rot in hell”…almost sadistic…LOL shudders

    Reply
  26. Crystal Richardson says

    May 8, 2011 at 11:11 pm

    He probably didn’t mention the alcohol and vicodin because what he put in his own body is not anyone else’s business. Geeeez at the nosey people and how they love to tell others what to do. Why don’t you tell what prescriptions you are on and if you drink alcohol. They’re all ok according to the government…but really, I doubt if anyone cares, because why? It’s none of our business what the others do as long as you’re not hurting someone and I don’t see how what George Carlin did or didn’t put in his body could hurt anyone else…maybe it’s just me that sees that…

    Reply

Leave a Reply Cancel reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

Recent Jokes

  • Top 20 Chemistry Jokes of Some Time
  • God Will Save Me!
  • Getting Married in Heaven
  • From Riches to Rags
  • 11 Crappy One-Liners Sure To Leave You A Loser

Recent Comments

  • Stephen on Military Acronyms
  • Charletta McCall on Politics Made Simple
  • fffff on FFFFFFFFF
  • Marie-Hélène Archimbaud on Eats Shoots And Leaves
  • Richard Butler on The End Of The Internet

Copyright © 2005-2021 Funny & Jokes • All rights reserved. • Privacy Policy • Terms of Service