You Might Be a Redneck IF…
. . there are four pairs of pants and two squirrels hanging from your clothesline.
. . . your local newspaper has a front-page feature called “Cow of the Week.”
. . . you don’t need a clean shirt to go to work.
. . . you bum a dip from your mother.
. . . you have the entire WWF slurpie cup collection proudly displayed on a shelf in your trailer.
. . . your favorite mixed drink includes Yoo-Hoo.
. . . you think “Hooked on Phonics” is a fishing show.
. . . you’ve ever attended a dance at the bus station.
. . . your guest bedroom is also your tool shed.
. . . you spend three days in line for Reba tickets.
. . . you can’t keep your cats out of your car at night because the interior smells like fried chicken.
. . . you think French onion dip is an exotic tobacco product.
. . . you drive more than thirty miles to save money on a pack of cigarettes.
. . . you spend most of your time in the laundromat so you can watch TV.
. . . grass is growing in the floor boards of your car.
. . . the highlight of your day is finding the prize in a Cracker Jack box.
. . . the auto junkyard calls you to get spare parts.
. . . you own a flamingo with buckshot holes in it.
. . . your third-grade class has a no-smoking section.
. . . your wife left you for last year’s winner of the hog-calling contest.
. . . everything you won at the fair is hanging from your rearview mirror.
. . . you’ve ever accepted an invitation written on a bathroom wall.
. . . making beer is a neighborhood project.
. . . you clean your fingernails with a stick.
. . . you’ve ever gotten in fist fight in a laundromat over a dryer.
. . . there is a restraining order on your pets.
. . . you secretly get your firewood from your neighbor’s yard.
. . . you wipe your feet before you walk out of your house.
. . . your 5-year-old can rebuild a carburetor.
. . . your wife can climb a tree faster than your cat.
. . . you take a nap with at least one hand tucked inside your pants.
. . . your best jacket has an advertisement on the back of it.
. . . your car insurance deductible is higher than the value of your car.
. . . in preparation for your upcoming wedding, your register your Tupperware pattern.
. . . you are famous for your impression of a dog choking on a chicken bone.
. . . you consider tattooing a do-it-yourself job.
. . . one of your fantasies involves a bulldozer.
. . . your wife’s best shoes have steel toes.
. . . your picture is on the wall of more than three bait stores.
. . . your favorite NASCAR souvenir is the result of a wreck.
. . you time your belches to achieve a personal best.
. . . your new job promotion means that the company foots the bill to have your name sewn on your shirts.
. . . the fountain at your wedding spewed beer instead of champagne.
. . . your favorite restaurant has the word “eats” anywhere in the name.
. . . there’s graffiti on the bathroom wall in your own house.
. . . you have grease under your toenails.
. . . you think Campho-Phenique is a miracle drug.
. . . you think a manicure is some kind of French doctor.
. . . your mama saves aluminum foil.
. . . you have more than two brothers named Bubba or Junior.
. . . you clean your house with a water hose.
. . . during the wedding ceremony the minister said, “Do you, DeWayne, take Connie to be your old lady?”
. . . the game warden knows the serial numbers to your guns by heart.
. . . you pawned your grandfather’s pocket watch because you needed beer money for the weekend.
. . . you took your coon dogs on your honeymoon.
. . . you drive across town to see a car wreck.
. . . your idea of a romantic evening is sharing the same spit cup with your girlfriend at a tractor pull.
. . . the most common phrase you hear at your family reunion is “What the hell are you lookin’ at Diphead?”
. . . your best coon hound gets a birthday present and your wife doesn’t.
. . . your mother has more chest hair than your father.