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You are here: Home / Jokes / Clean Jokes / Little Red Riding Hood – Politically Correct Version

Little Red Riding Hood – Politically Correct Version

September 29, 2007 by F&J Staff 18 Comments

There once was a young person named Little Red Riding Hood who lived on the edge of a large forest full of endangered owls and rare plants that would probably provide a cure for cancer if only someone took the time to study them.

She lived with a nurture giver whom she sometimes referred to as “mother”, although she didn’t mean to imply by this term that she would have thought less of the person if a close biological link did not in fact exist. Nor did she intend to denigrate the equal value of nontraditional households, although she was sorry if this was the impression conveyed.

One day her mother asked her to take a basket of organically grown fruit and mineral water to her grandmother’s house.

“But mother, won’t this be stealing work from the unionized people who have struggled for years to earn the right to carry all packages between various people in the woods?”

Red Riding Hood’s mother assured her that she had called the union boss and gotten a special compassionate mission exemption form.

“But mother, aren’t you oppressing me by ordering me to do this?”

Red Riding Hood’s mother pointed out that it was impossible for women to oppress each other, since all women were equally oppressed until all women were free.

“But mother, then shouldn’t you have my brother carry the basket, since he’s an oppressor, and should learn what it’s like to be oppressed?”

And Red Riding Hood’s mother explained that her brother was attending a special rally for animal rights of community.

“But won’t I be oppressing Grandma, by implying that she’s sick and hence unable to independently further her own selfhood?”

But Red Riding Hood’s mother explained that her grandmother wasn’t actually sick or incapacitated or mentally handicapped in any way, although that was not to imply that any of these conditions were inferior to what some people called “health”.

Thus Red Riding Hood felt that she could get behind the idea of delivering the basket to her grandmother, and so she set off.

Many people believed that the forest was a foreboding and dangerous place, but Red Riding Hood knew that this was an irrational fear based on cultural paradigms instilled by a patriarchal society that regarded the natural world as an exploitable resource, and hence believed that natural predators were in fact intolerable competitors.

Other people avoided the woods for fear of thieves and deviants, but Red Riding Hood felt that in a truly classless society all marginalized peoples would be able to “come out” of the woods and be accepted as valid lifestyle role models.

On her way to Grandma’s house, Red Riding Hood passed a woodchopper, and wandered off the path, in order to examine some flowers.

She was startled to find herself standing before a Wolf, who asked her what was in her basket.

Red Riding Hood’s teacher had warned her never to talk to strangers, but she was confident in taking control of her own budding sexuality, and chose to dialogue with the Wolf.

She replied, “I am taking my Grandmother some healthful snacks in a gesture of solidarity.”

The Wolf said, “You know, my dear, it isn’t safe for a little girl to walk through these woods alone.”

Red Riding Hood said, “I find your sexist remark offensive in the extreme, but I will ignore it because of your traditional status as an outcast from society, the stress of which has caused you to develop an alternative and yet entirely valid worldview. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I would prefer to be on my way.”

Red Riding Hood returned to the main path, and proceeded towards her Grandmother’s house.

But because his status outside society had freed him from slavish adherence to linear, Western-style thought, the Wolf knew of a quicker route to Grandma’s house.

He burst into the house and ate Grandma, a course of action affirmative of his nature as a predator.

Then, unhampered by rigid, traditionalist gender role notions, he put on Grandma’s nightclothes, crawled under the bedclothes, and awaited developments.

Red Riding Hood entered the cottage and said, “Grandma, I have brought you some cruelty free snacks to salute you in your role of wise and nurturing matriarch.”

The Wolf said softly “Come closer, child, so that I might see you.”

Red Riding Hood said, “Goodness! Grandma, what big eyes you have!”

“You forget that I am optically challenged.”

The Wolf could not take any more of these specist slurs, and, in a reaction appropriate for his accustomed milieu, he leaped out of bed, grabbed Little Red Riding Hood, and opened his jaws so wide that she could see her poor Grandmother cowering in his belly.

“Aren’t you forgetting something?” Red Riding Hood bravely shouted. “You must request my permission before proceeding to a new level of intimacy!”

The Wolf was so startled by this statement that he loosened his grasp on her.

At the same time, the woodchopper burst into the cottage, brandishing an axe.

“Hands off!” cried the woodchopper.

“And what do you think you’re doing?” cried Little Red Riding Hood. “If I let you help me now, I would be expressing a lack of confidence in my own abilities, which would lead to poor self esteem and lower achievement scores on college entrance exams.”

“Last chance, sister! Get your hands off that endangered species! This is an FBI sting!” screamed the woodchopper, and when Little Red Riding Hood nonetheless made a sudden motion, he sliced off her head.

“Thank goodness you got here in time,” said the Wolf. “The brat and her grandmother lured me in here. I thought I was a goner.”

“No, I think I’m the real victim, here,” said the woodchopper. “I’ve been dealing with my anger ever since I saw her picking those protected flowers earlier. And now I’m going to have such a trauma. Do you have any aspirin?”

“Sure,” said the Wolf.

“Thanks.”

“I feel your pain,” said the Wolf, and he patted the woodchopper on his firm, well padded back, gave a little belch, and said “Do you have any Maalox?”

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Filed Under: Clean Jokes, Other Stuff, Political Jokes

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Comments

  1. Belle Starr says

    September 29, 2007 at 6:38 pm

    Ho Hum . Dont you all know that the term Politcally Correct means that if you say the wrong thing that Big Brother sends out his Thought Patrol Storm Troopers who will beat you with rubber hoses and send you to a reeducaton camp .

    Reply
  2. babytee43 says

    September 29, 2007 at 9:02 pm

    i liked the story it tell how much things have changed the twentyfirst cententry how woman are still strugling

    Reply
  3. garagratagfg says

    September 30, 2007 at 3:18 am

    babytee, are you retarded? This story was not about women and their struggles in the 21st century. This is a satire on today’s society. My god. How could you have missed the entire point of the story? It appears that you’re struggling with spelling still.

    Reply
  4. Nancy says

    September 30, 2007 at 7:26 am

    Very Clever, I like it. I’m going to send it to my college writing professor so she can have a laugh. We critiqued Cinderella, of which there are over 700 versions from all over the world and they all have sibling rivalry as the main theme with the message that if you are the good little girl and keep a low profile, and are not high maintenance, a man might marry you and take care of you forever. Keep thinking and keep writing!

    Reply
  5. jeffo says

    October 1, 2007 at 1:53 pm

    I can’t believe there are people who think this story is in earnest. How absolutely sad and pathetic that we live in a society where the most outrageous (and extremely funny) satire could actually qualify for reality in people’s brains – or what passes for brains these days. This article was hilarious, it was insightful satire, it was a witty demonstration of how politically correct thinking has destroyed literature, but Farking Zardwarks!! – it was NOT commentary on feminist issues.

    Reply
  6. steven wray says

    October 1, 2007 at 2:10 pm

    omg this was soooo funny it was sooo politically correct that is was stupid……….hahahahahaha

    Reply
  7. JamessheA says

    October 2, 2007 at 2:50 pm

    This was very funny, a very artfully done remake of a bed-time story 🙂

    Reply
  8. Doihaveto says

    October 5, 2007 at 11:57 pm

    babytee, the fact that your name was babytee shows exactly how much success the feminism movement actually had. And this was a political satire on our current state of things. To say this particular story was anything short of americas own reality is a fallacy. Well, maybe short of red riding hood losing her head, she would have gone to jail for life but got off for good behavior in her sixties then killed the fbi agent and wolf that put her in jail to begin with, shortly after she would shoot herself in disgrace, thus ending the saga of the little red riding hood, or should I say Small Red Riding Adorned And Removable Headpiece.

    Reply
  9. Princess says

    November 13, 2007 at 12:12 am

    That was gruesome and had a lot of words that i did not understand and it took so long to read that i actually (believe it or not) got bored and was wondering when it woud end. I am sorry if this dissapoints you when you read it but it is how i feel.

    Reply
  10. Nevermind says

    January 28, 2008 at 3:05 pm

    Wolf with a capital W so as to not discriminate against species? Marvellous!

    Just like the rest. Thankfully, it derides only the most extreme and often more ridiculous parts of political correctenss, but seems to acknolwedge the necessity for the basic rights of non-discrimination, as it does not parody race etc.

    Reply
  11. sandrar says

    September 10, 2009 at 5:48 pm

    Hi! I was surfing and found your blog post… nice! I love your blog. 🙂 Cheers! Sandra. R.

    Reply
  12. jenna says

    September 21, 2009 at 11:52 am

    Sign: yyams Hello!!! punht and 843dhursyvpxd and 7004 My Comments: Cool!

    Reply
  13. iNIT says

    June 29, 2010 at 1:04 pm

    loollll so funny, i never knew summin good would come out of politics!!! 😛

    Reply
  14. black celebs says

    August 10, 2010 at 1:34 pm

    Sign: wdpad Hello!!! uddwa and 4080udnwuetkeu and 2782 : Hi! I was surfing and found your blog post! nice! I just came across your blog and wanted to say that Ive really enjoyed it.

    Reply
  15. Zeeshan says

    December 22, 2010 at 5:36 am

    Thanks god the environment was saved

    Reply
  16. nunya biz says

    April 23, 2011 at 3:59 pm

    that was the most long-ass joke ever

    Reply
  17. ummm says

    September 7, 2012 at 3:41 am

    Was this an excerpt from James Finn’s book Politically Correct Bedtime Stories?

    Reply
  18. polerberr says

    January 7, 2013 at 11:04 am

    @ummm; No, I just read the version you speak of. This seems to be a plagiarized version of it. Bits of it are changed, but some of the dialogue and words used are the exact same, and the concept of it is also the exact same.

    Reply

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