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You are here: Home / Jokes / Female Jokes / I Just Want You To Hold Me…

I Just Want You To Hold Me…

December 5, 2007 by F&J Staff 39 Comments

I haven’t quite figured out why the sexual urge of men and women differ so much. And I never really figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing. I have never figured out why men think with their head and women with their heart.

For example, one evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into bed. Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says “I don’t fee like it, I just want you to hold me.” I said “WHAT? WHAT WAS THAT?”

So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear… “You’re just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man.” She responded to my puzzled look by saying, “Can’t you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?”

Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep.

The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfits. She couldn’t decide which one to take so I told her we’d just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said lets get a pair for each outfit. We went onto the jewelry department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. Let me tell you… she was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn’t even know how to play tennis. I think I threw her for a loop when I said, “That’s fine, honey.” She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement. Smiling with excited anticipation she finally said, “I think this is all dear, let’s go to the cashier.”

I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, “No honey, I don’t feel like it.” Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled WHAT?”

I then said “honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You’re just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman.” And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, “Why can’t you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?”

Apparently I’m not having sex tonight either.

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Filed Under: Female Jokes, Jokes

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Comments

  1. queen says

    December 5, 2007 at 7:17 pm

    ha ha ha! wat a luzer!

    Reply
  2. Annabelle says

    December 6, 2007 at 4:03 pm

    I just want YOU to hold me tight in your arms and screw me like theres no tomorrow

    Reply
  3. nor says

    December 6, 2007 at 8:04 pm

    haha nice one!

    Reply
  4. brianna says

    December 7, 2007 at 10:08 am

    now that was hilarious. the girl is such a moron!

    Reply
  5. erica michelle says

    December 13, 2007 at 11:24 am

    Yeah i’d want to be held…….really close and really tight! She’s just stupid!

    Reply
  6. Nancy says

    February 19, 2008 at 3:22 pm

    WOW!! That wasnt worth it. Tht was real stupid…..Smh…

    Reply
  7. Carrie says

    February 25, 2008 at 4:38 pm

    this was freaking hilarious….guy was an asshole but she deserved it.

    Reply
  8. jbuoy says

    March 1, 2008 at 6:52 pm

    dat serves her right, dnt worry u wuld defntyl get wat u want frm her tonite.

    Reply
  9. ummm says

    March 22, 2008 at 1:41 am

    haha serves her right

    Reply
  10. Swamp says

    March 26, 2008 at 1:46 am

    i loved the joke, Hope I can apply it tomorrow. Because I know what I’m gonna here tonight when were in bed

    Reply
  11. bob says

    March 31, 2008 at 10:59 pm

    lol this one is good

    Reply
  12. BABBII says

    April 3, 2008 at 5:38 pm

    this was a gud one lol

    Reply
  13. snowowl says

    April 22, 2008 at 7:41 am

    beeeaauutiful…!!!!!

    Reply
  14. katie says

    May 3, 2008 at 3:11 pm

    lol un-predictabley smart :):):)

    Reply
  15. yari says

    May 12, 2008 at 12:01 pm

    i love it dat was gud

    Reply
  16. Jean says

    June 2, 2008 at 8:29 am

    i liked the ending
    =D

    Reply
  17. PurpleX says

    June 3, 2008 at 11:27 am

    LOL!!!!

    Reply
  18. mr.getalot says

    June 9, 2008 at 1:35 pm

    im comment 18 yay

    Reply
  19. me and you says

    July 16, 2008 at 4:00 am

    ………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………..

    Reply
  20. NinjaTweak says

    January 15, 2009 at 11:44 am

    Pretty good. I’ve heard this one before

    Reply
  21. JT says

    July 15, 2009 at 7:57 pm

    now that was funny!

    Reply
  22. sam says

    August 17, 2009 at 10:27 am

    dude!!!!!!…tht was gud
    women need to understand men too…its not just abt them…
    guys, isnt tht true??

    Reply
  23. Tyler says

    August 19, 2009 at 7:53 pm

    Oh, that guy’s good.

    Reply
  24. crazyeez says

    August 21, 2009 at 7:27 am

    hahahah lol thats funny

    Reply
  25. demi says

    September 11, 2009 at 7:47 am

    haha thats well funny

    Reply
  26. slick silvers says

    September 11, 2009 at 12:27 pm

    phew boy you dig up

    Reply
  27. lee says

    September 12, 2009 at 5:54 pm

    that was absolute wnk!!

    Reply
  28. lee says

    September 12, 2009 at 5:56 pm

    must be a yank joke coz it aint funny! not the greatest country for humour…nor anything else!!

    Reply
  29. lovedale says

    September 13, 2009 at 5:59 am

    I so gonna use that. lets hope bf has not read or heard of this joke

    Reply
  30. vanessa says

    November 4, 2009 at 9:43 am

    lol.. thats funny..

    Reply
  31. FIRE says

    November 4, 2009 at 3:51 pm

    LOL IT SUCKED MY BAWLZ X20

    Reply
  32. unisni says

    April 28, 2010 at 4:21 pm

    hahahahha damn funny

    Reply
  33. teddy says

    December 7, 2010 at 8:44 am

    it got me stucked at a sentence hold me…

    Reply
  34. T.K says

    December 9, 2010 at 8:43 am

    A killer. Wow. LOL.

    Reply
  35. FBI says

    December 15, 2010 at 5:41 am

    I dnt get it!

    Reply
  36. steverooni says

    February 1, 2011 at 5:44 am

    shoulda just said “holding’s for after, darlin”

    Reply
  37. hehehaha says

    February 10, 2011 at 4:11 pm

    countered very nicely

    Reply
  38. The guy who knows how to spell says

    October 21, 2012 at 3:56 am

    Ah, that reminds me of one of my past girl friends. She didn’t talk much to anyone, and all she wanted to do was cuddle. That was just fine until… Well all “guys” should know what I was going to type next.

    Reply
  39. Amanda says

    October 25, 2012 at 11:53 am

    Haha probably the best payback of all times!!! id be mad but id completely understand where he was coming from haha

    Reply

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