Gothic Rednecks

You might be a Gothic Redneck if…

You let your fourteen year old daughter smoke clove cigarettes at the dinner table in front of her kids.

You’ve got more than one brother named “Vlad”.

You’ve got more than three cousins named “Lestat”.

You think safe sex is padded handcuffs.

You’ve refused to watch the Academy Awards since “Bram Stoker’s Dracula” was snubbed for Best Picture.

The Blue Book value of your hearse goes up and down depending on how much gas you have in it.

You think a seven course meal is six clove cigarettes and a bottle of absinthe.

One of your kids was born in a cemetery.

You have spray painted your girlfriend’s name on a mausoleum.

Your lifetime goal is to raise a brood of vampire bats.

Your buckle boots weigh more than eight pounds each.

You think the three primary colors are: Black #1, Black #1 and Black #1

Your hearse has a two-tone paint job: Matte Black and Gloss Black

You can’t get married to your sweetheart because there’s a law against marrying the dead.

You refer to the day you won a case of black lipstick as, “The day your ship came in”.

You have the number to the local blood bank on speed dial.

Your coffin used to be a meat freezer.

You do your serious Christmas shopping with a shovel in the cemetery.

You think that God looks a lot like Bela Lugosi and that Heaven looks a lot like Transylvania.

You have the words, “Good Evening”, in your answering machine message.

You’ve ever named your child after a vampire.

You have more buckles on your clothes and boots than fingers and toes.

You have a Dracula Jell-O mold.

Your child’s first words were: “I bid you welcome”.

The fountain at your wedding spewed blood instead of champagne.

You wear fishnet stockings under your vinyl jeans.

Your deceased cat’s tombstone is bigger than your grandfather’s.

Your boots cost more than your wedding ring.

You proposed in a mortuary.

Your bridal veil was made out of fishnet.

You tell everyone your wife is the reincarnation of Elizabeth Bathory.

You tell your lover to scream like a staked vampire to start foreplay.