(WASHINGTON D.C.) – Following an emergency meeting Thursday morning, Congress unanimously voted to excise Florida from the United States of America. The move was a reaction to the confusion and irregularities in the state’s voting numbers that have totally disrupted the 2000 Presidential election. “This is the last straw,” said Utah senator Orin Hatch. “First Elian Gonzales, now this.”
Several congressmen told reporters the decision has been a long time in coming. “We’re all pretty much sick of Florida,” said representative Barney Frank. “They’ve been a constant embarrassment for too long now.” Added Frank, “They had Dan Marino for a while, but what have they done lately? Oh that’s right, screw up our entire democracy. I forgot” In a speech on the Senate floor, Massachusetts senator Ted Kennedy commented that the loss of Florida’s sizable elderly population will free up billions of dollars in social security funds.
“These are valuable funds which can now be redirected toward other national needs. We can finally rebuild our weakened infrastructure,” said the Senator to roaring applause.
At a news conference, Florida Governor Jed Bush announced plans to organize the new country. “We are making plans now to got to the polls next week and elect our first leaders. I am confident that process should be finished within two or three years.”