I was a big fan of the Simpson’s, can you believe how long the show has been around? Everyone has their favorite characters, but mine is definately Homer. This guy says the funniest (and often completely true) things. Here is a list of the all time best Homer Simpson quotes ever.
- Son, when you participate in sporting events, it’s not whether you win or lose: it’s how drunk you get.
- Son, a woman is like a beer. They smell good, they look good, you’d step over your own mother just to
get one! But you can’t stop at one. You wanna drink another woman! - What’s the point of going out? We’re just going to wind up back here anyway.
- I’m normally not a praying man, but if you’re up there, please save me, Superman.
- Fame was like a drug. But what was even more like a drug were the drugs.
- Books are useless! I only ever read one book, “To Kill A Mockingbird,” and it gave me absolutely no insight on how to kill mockingbirds! Sure it taught me not to judge a man by the color of his skin… but what good does that do me?
- I hope I didn’t brain my damage.
- Weaseling out of things is important to learn. It’s what separates us from the animals… except the weasel.
- Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.
- How is education supposed to make me feel smarter? Besides, every time I learn something new, it pushes some old stuff out of my brain. Remember when I took that home winemaking course, and I forgot how to drive?
- Old people don’t need companionship. They need to be isolated and studied so it can be determined what nutrients they have that might be extracted for our personal use.
- Facts are meaningless. You could use facts to prove anything that’s even remotely true!
- How could you?! Haven’t you learned anything from that guy who gives those sermons at church? Captain Whatshisname? We live in a society of laws! Why do you think I took you to all those Police Academy movies? For fun? Well, I didn’t hear anybody laughing, did you? Except at that guy who made sound effects. Makes sound effects and laughs. Where was I? Oh yeah! Stay out of my booze.
- You don’t like your job, you don’t strike. You go in every day and do it really half-assed. That’s the American way.
- Oh, I’m in no condition to drive. Wait a minute. I don’t have to listen to myself. I’m drunk.
Well, that does it for me. If you’ve got anymore that I missed – or you have your own favorites, add them below in the comments. All the cool kids are doin’ it.
I’ll have two tax-burgers, one dependant size soda, and a fica-cino
They have the internet on computers now.
Ahhh. Everyone’s stupid except me.
(playing hookey from church, he says this just before falling asleep with a cigar and burns his house down)
save me Jebus!
Ahhhh! The only thing dumber than you is me.
Spiderpig spiderpig. Does whatever a spiderpig does.
Doh!
uqh this one was funny
hehehehehehehehe
i loved it :))
Homer is definitely my favourite Simpsons character as well!
Marge: Homer, the plant called. They said if you don’t show up tomorrow don’t bother showing up on Monday.
Homer: Woo-hoo. Four-day weekend.
Yeah, Moe, that team sure did suck last night. They just plain sucked! I’ve seen teams suck before, but they were the suckiest bunch of sucks that ever sucked!
(sung to the Flintstones song): Simpson! Homer Simpson! He’s the greatest guy in history. From the, Town of Springfield! He’s about to hit a chestnut tree! *hits tree*
What’s a wedding? Webster’s dictionary describes it as the act of removing weeds from one’s garden.
*Looks at Uruguay on a globe* Hee hee! Look at this country! ‘You are gay.’
Vampires are make-believe, like elves, gremlins, and eskimos.
Please don’t eat me! I have a wife and kids. Eat them!
(sung) i am so smart! i am so smart! S – M – A – T i am so smart!
S-m-r-t
I mean s-m-a-r-t
“aww i have three kids and no money. Why can’t I have no kids and three money?”
“quit jiving me turkey! you’ve got to sass it. quit jiiiiiiving me turkey! you’ve got to sass it! (pause) a turkey is a bad person.”
“don’t worry money. All that money is money.”
“and did you know that jesus grew up to be…JESUS?”
theres loadds more lol
Marge, you’re as beautiful as Princess Leia and as smart as Yoda
When I look at the smiles on all the children’s faces, I just know they’re about to jab me with something.
If something goes wrong at the plant, blame the guy who can’t speak English.
You don’t like your job, you don’t strike. You go in every day and do it really half-assed. That’s the American way
So true.
Homer:”How is education supposed to make me feel smarter? Besides, every time I learn something new, it pushes some old stuff out of my brain. Remember when I took that home winemaking course, and I forgot how to drive?”
Marge:”thats because you were drunk!”
Homer: “And how…”
i just thought id add that last part hihii soo funnnyyy,,,
thanks sooo much i got a good laugh!
Me and my mates LOVE this one!!
On Simpsons Movie, Homers in the car with spider pig at the dumpster. Lenny calls him to tell Homer that LardLads are giving out free donuts and Homer says: Oh my god, oh my god, oh my god!! (fast!) ha ha ha
“Everyone knows that Rock & Roll attained perfection in 1974, it’s a scientific fact!” – (I remeber this one because it’s true)!
YO MARLEY I KNW I’M 11 YRS OLD BUT IF UR SO SMART WHY’D YOU SPELL SMART AS s-m-A-t NO R HA HA LOSER! SO STUPID! IN UR STUPID WAY CUZ THAT IS STUPID YEA AND I TLD YOU BASICLY THAT UR STUPID OK MISS “SMART” OR SHOULD I SAY SMAT? HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HE HE HE! BIG L!
UM MARLEY R U EVEN A MISS OR A MR? CUZ IDK
HI I’M POOP AND I POOPED ALL OVER THIS JOKE AND MY COMPUTER IS COVERED IN DIARIA HA HA HA LOL DIARA! BY THE WAY ROCK ON LEBANON!!!!! AND ISRAEL STINKS!!!!! LIKE MY POOP!
Haha Natalie you are the person with the big L
Marly said it how it goes in the song…
Learn your Homer before insulting
personally i think family guy is funnier but i do have a chuckle over the simpsons
“go suck a bible!”
Check your spellings you inbred oafs.
p.s. jump, jump, land, land.
wow natily, you are retatded. first off you seem like an idiot posting in caps and noone likes it, second, learn how to spell. I don’t really care if someone spells it wrong, it dosn’r matter, but when you leave 1 letter out it’s just annoying; third that was a joke from the simpsons that was plain as day.
Jesus! What has the internet become!
and CACA (A.K.A. Natilie) save that cr.ap for funnyjunk. noone finds it funny
Woo hoo!!! I’m a College man!!! I don’t need my high school diploma anymore!!! *lights high school diploma on fire* I am so smart, I am so smart, I am so smart, I am so smart, S.M.R.T, I mean S.M.A.R.T *house is on fire*
the sun!! thats the hottest place on earth
homers working on the computer and thee computer says: ‘press any key’ and homer asks himself: ‘the “any key” hmm, where is the “any key”? and searches for it and when he cant find it he just presses any key..:D
Natalie, how bout you get a life. Israel owns you and how bout you stop being racist, and also, it was a joke that SMAT thing. We all know its SMART. thanks for that, tho. (sarcastic)
it’s look like natalie never watch the simpsons. it’s all about homer! it’s not about einstein for God sake! watch the simpsons first or stay on mars!
I still think one of the best ones ever is when Homer goes back to college and the nerds get expelled.
Good old Snake approaches them and tells them he’s the wallet inspector, then after they give over their wallets Homer notes sadly
“Hey, that’s not the wallet inspector”
“Ahh beer: the cause of and solution to all life’s problems” one of my favorites!
Natalie first of all take caps lock off, it’s obnoxious. Next, have you ever watched The Simpsons? Of course he spelled it “SMAT” that’s the joke. You say you’re eleven? Well at least a fifth grade education would teach you how to make a proper sentence: “IN UR STUPID WAY CUZ THAT IS STUPID YEA AND I TLD YOU BASICLY THAT UR STUPID OK MISS “SMART” OR SHOULD I SAY SMAT?” I don’t want to sound like a whiny little b*tch like you but that just makes me want to punch you, I’m only a year older than you and I can understand that it’s a JOKE, how funny huh? A joke, on a joke site.
Anyway.
Homer: Lisa, you’re a Buddhist, so you believe in reincarnation. Eventually, Snowball will be reborn as a higher lifeform… like a snowman.
lol 😀
lol. brilliant. all the quotes are wicked. Natalie- you got owned. Which in itself is one of the best jokes…GO HOMER!! 😀
. . . one IRSwich, withhold the lettuce
Mick Jagger: “Come on Homer, It’s only rock and roll camp”
Homer: “But i like it”
“I’ll give you this cloroform if you take us to The Who”
“Oh Lisa, you and your stories, Bart’s a vampire, beer kills brain cells. Now let’s go back to that . . . building place . . . where our beds and TV . . is?”
“Extended warenty, how could I lose!”
“Ok computer, kill Flanders!”
“Lisa, I’d like to buy your rock”
“Remember when your little cat Snowball got run over? Huh, remember? Well what I’m saying is all we need to do is go down to the pound and get a new Jazz man”
I can’t remember the exact quote and hope someone might post it for me, but one of the funniest scenes ever for me is when Lisa tells Homer that pork, ham and bacon all come from the same animal and Homer says something like “Oh, a magical animal etc…….” Still laugh every time I see it.
omg natalie, think about it, if we are talking about the simpsons, then homer would say something like that, duh!!! smarty pants
I am so smart! I am so smart! S-M-R-T I mean S-M-A-R-T!
DUH Natalie. What exactly were you trying to prove? That you are idiot, or that you haven’t had a decent education? You must have lived under a rock all these years. Weirdo. I know smarter kids.
Jeez, weird kids and their weird kiddie ego!
Homer: Lisa, vampires are make believe. Like elves, gremlins, and Eskimos.
😀
Homer: The Baby can ahve Bart’s room, and Bart can sleep with us
Marge: Won’t that warp him?
Homer: No, my cousin Frank did it
Marge: You don’t have a cousin Frank
Homer: He changed his name to Franceen back in 74′ and joined that cult… I think his name is Mother Shabooboo now.
Lol.you guys all just burned Natalie,like crazy.
Well i was gonna post one up but most of the ones i was gonna say are posted on here like 3 times so nah.
And btw Natalie is she mental or somthing.
Telling someone they cant spell,get it right the first time that way you dont look like an ass, a little to late for that now but still.That was just pure stupidity.
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natalie..
it was suppose to b funny >.<
your an 11 year old that doesnt think before she speaks !
Save me jebus!!!!! and other things like that. But what about Ralph???
“My cats breath smells like cat food” and “I bent my wookie”??? and “I like men now” come on, springfields bedwetter needs some respect!!!!
wow… inbred oafs huh? bit insulting…
its i am so smart i am so smart s-m-a-t i mean s-m-a-r-t
Homer: Lisa, would you like a donut?
Lisa: No thanks. Do you have any fruit?
Homer: This has purple in it. Purple is a fruit.
wow its September, and I’m the newest one,,, YEAHHHH
thank you jebus!!
“Ah, alcohol. The cause of, and solution to, most of life’s problems!”
Darn this Smarch weather!!
“Or what will you do Mr. Burns? Release the DOGS? Or release the BEES. Or release the DOGS that have BEES in their mouths, so that when they bark BEES come out at you?”
Omg I luv the simpsons!
“Mhmmmmmm pistol whip”
i love simpsons
my fav moment is in the movie, when marge and the kids go into the store. bart draws mustaches on their faces on the wanted poster, then the shopkeeper turns around, says “It’s them!” and there they are standing in the doorway. LOL!
i can’t say i take note of homer’s quotes.
dude i love the simpsons but my favorite line homer uses is dooooooooooooooooooough
LEAVE DA POOR GUY ALONE………………………………………………………….. HE GOT PROBLEMZ…………………………………………………………………. DOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I don’t remember which episode it was exactly, I’m thinking somewhere in season 6, 7 or 8. One of my favorite Homer Simpson quotes:
“Trying is always the very first step towards failure.” -Homer Simpson
After grabbing the electric fence several times: “Why does everything that only happens to stupid people always happen to me?”
PLEASE dont eat me!…av got a wife and 3kids!..EAT THEM!
“Donuts, is there anything they can’t do?”
Homer: Operator, give me the number for 911!!!!!
hahahahaha i cant get over it!!
Kill my boss? Dare I live out the American dream?
It’s funny and true 😛
ive seen the movie a billion times and yet these 2 scenes make me laugh every single time
“he’s not spider pig anymore, he’s harry pauper”
‘ohh i see…then i hear by declair you chicken for life, every morning you’ll wake up to “good morning chicken” at your wedding ill sing *clucks like a chicken to hear comes the bride then gets cut off suddenly as bart jumps on his skateboard and skates off naked*’
Judge declares Homer guilty “Your honour i’d like that last comment stricken from the record”
when marge asks homer to pick lisa from school while coming back home from work..he says”Ohhh..do i hav to do it and do i hav to go to work”..
my favorite ever is “OPERATOR!! Give me the number for 911!!!” haha gotta love homer 😉
LOVE the one where he gives the jesus statue a fist pump =)
seen the episode where bart wants a brother? so funny. or when bart trades his soul 4 dinosaur sponges?
I dont remember the episode. Something blews up in springfield while homer and bart are in the basement then homer is lik “What was that???…..nah who cares”
The most two quotes i most love are:
1- when Homer was calling bart so fearfully, then when Bart says “yes dad!” Homer says “Take the trash out”. that was damn funny.
2- ‘To Start Press Any Key’. Where’s the ANY key?
Im 28, always have & always will love the simpsons! lol
“All right, brain. You don’t like me and I don’t like you, but let’s just do this and I can get back to killing you with beer.”
“All right, let’s not panic. I’ll make the money by selling one of my livers. I can get by with one.”
“If there’s one thing I’ve learned, it’s that life is one crushing defeat after another until you just wish Flanders was dead.”
“I don’t apologize. I am sorry Lisa, that’s the way I am.”
“Dear Homer, IOU one emergency donut. Signed Homer. Bastard! He’s always one step ahead.”
“First you don’t want me to get the pony, then you want me to take it back. Make up your mind.”
“I don’t want to go, so if he asks me to go, I’ll just say, ‘Yes!'”
“I know you can read my thoughts, boy : Meow, Meow, Meow, Meow, Meow, Meow, Meow, Meow, Meow, Meow, Meow, Meow, Meow, Meow, Meow, Meow.”
“I wonder where Bart is, his dinner’s getting all cold …… and eaten.”
Don’t you just love Homer’s “logic”?? Makes me lol!!! Still, this is my fave of allllll time!!!
“Operator, give me the number for 911” hehehehehehe
Ralph is just as awesome as Homer though!! I remember more of his quotes than Homers. Love these…
“Hi, Super Nintendo Chalmers!”
“Mrs. Krabappel and Principal Skinner were in the closet making babies and I saw one of the babies and then the baby looked at me.”
“Eww, Daddy, this tastes like Gramma!”
“The doctor said I wouldn’t have so many nose bleeds if I kept my finger outta there”
Ralph: “Daddy, I’m scared. Too scared to even wet my pants.”
Chief Wiggum: “Just relax and it’ll come, son.”
“That’s where I saw the Leprchaun. He tells me to burn things!”
“I heard your dad went into a restaurant and ate everything in the restaurant and they had to close the restaurant”
“My cat’s breath smells like catfood.”
“Bushes are fun cause they dont have prickles. Unless they do like this one did. Ow”
“I’m learn-ding”
Chief Wiggums cool too. His incompetence cracks me up!!
“See ya in court, Simpson. Oh, and bring that evidence with ya, otherwise, I got no case and you’ll go scot-free.”
“I hope this has taught you kids a lesson: kids never learn.”
“Oh, sure. We’d all love some real friends, Marge. But what are the odds of that happening?”
“This is Papa Bear. Put out an APB for a male suspect, driving a… car of some sort, heading in the direction of, uh, you know, that place that sells chili. Suspect is hatless. Repeat, hatless.”
“She didn’t reckon with the awesome power of the Chief of Police! Now where did I put my badge?…Hey, that duck’s got it!”
“Can’t you people take the law into your own hands? I mean, we can’t be policing the entire city!”
Homer: You know, if you let us go, there’s a diamond necklace in it for you.
Wiggum: I hope you’re not suggesting that I would take that necklace as a bribe. Think again, dirtbag, cause I can swipe it later from the evidence locker.
Wiggum: [answering phone] 9-1-1. This’d better be good.
Marge: I just cut off my husband’s thumb!
Wiggum: ATTEMPTED MURDER?! YOU’LL BURN FOR THIS! BURN IN JAIL!
Marge: It was an accident!
Wiggum: Yeah, yeah. Save it for “Dateline: Tuesday.” Uh, what’s your address so I can come arrest you?
Marge: Arrest me? Um, my address, it’s um, 1-2-3 … Fake Street.
Wiggum: [writing address down] 1-2-3 Fake Street. Okay see you soon!
Lol I love homer simpson
“I have three kids and no money, I wish I had no kids and three money.”
” It’s because they are stupid, that’s why everybody does everything “
Lisa: NO!! Bullfighting is a cruel-pseudo sport!
Homer: yeah, lisa’s right, it is a cool-super sport.
haha BEST SERIOUS EVER!!!! I’m 24 and a watch it everyday without fail.. I love it
Yea my fave is what Justin ^^ said. . . ” I have three kids and no money, I wish I had no kids and three money”
And gotta love Ralph. . . .”It says I choo choo chooose you, and there’s a picture of a train on it” . . . .
And Gill is high up there in the coolness department . . . . When he goes to sell homer a car but the other old mate takes over and Gill calls his wife . . . ………
“Honey, you should have seen me with my last customer, I … no, but I came so close. This guy was as … Whose voice is that? Is that Fred? … Aw, you said it was over … No, don’t put him on — Hello, Fred, h-hi.”
Lol poor gill has had sooo many jobs.. .
when Homer meets Michael Jackson…
‘Hi i’m Michael Jackson of the Jacksons, Hi i’m Homer Simpsons of the Simpsons.’
” I know, I’ll sink to the bottom and run to the shore!! ”
x
Stupid sexy Flanders! lol
spiderpig, piderpig, does whatever a spiderpig does, can he swing, from a web, no he cant, hes a pig, look ooooooouuuuut, cause hes a spider pig….
my fave has to be “just because I don’t care, doesn’t mean I don’t understand”
chalmers: im not bald im balding. why wont anyone honor the the ding?
skinner: i honr the ding sir.
chalmers: what the hell are you talking about?
homer-z funniest, z dumpst a guy could b
I love Homer’s dad!
Like in the movie when marge is trying to figure out his “godly experience”
she writes down notes of what he said.
Marge:”twisted tail, a thousand eyes. What does it all mean?”
Grandpa:”I’m pretty sure a thousand…….is a number.”
One episode Homer gets in trouble for not spending enough time with the kids. He tries harder and Lisa is swinging on a tire swing and she’s becoming tired. He teaches Bart to ride a bike. When Bart tell’s him he liked his “half-assed” approach better and Homer J replies: “BUT I’M USING MY WHOLE ASS!”
dude u missed DDDDDDDDOOOOOOOOOOHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
the funniest has to be when Homer and Bart are making beer in the basement after something explodes marge comes down to ask and Homer responds, “Must’ve been that bean i had…”
fist pumps are what make me awsome because i am the best at it take that world.
my fav quote is “Don’t you give ME half the peace sign!”
Homer and Bart playing a dare contest on the roof of their house…Homer:i dare you to climb the TV antenna.Bart :piece of cake!
mmmm donutss
“Yeah Moe that team sure did suck last night. They just plain sucked! I’ve seen teams suck before, but they were the suckiest bunch of sucks that ever sucked
“Bart stop drkn nw!i promise i wil stmp 2morow
“Omg, english instructions gone! Must use french instructions! Le grille? What the hell is that??”
Let me explain. I thought the cop was a prostitue.
”Never interrupt a good ho-down” Homer Simpson.
Before Lethal Weapon 2, I never thought there could be a bomb in my toilet, but now I check every time.
Or how about…
Save me Mr. X… wait a minute I’m Mr. X. D’oh…
`don’t worry Bart this will slow him down…[throws steak , dog swallows it and keeps chasing Bart ] HURRY BOY HE`S GOT A TASTE FOR MEAT NOW` . DEef a Top 10
“What doesn’t kill us…only suceeds in the second attempt.”
my personal favorite:
“aaaaaallllgghhhh (drooling) bacon……”