You Might Be A Ricer If…

Figured this would go well with the Anti-Ricer Compilation. For all you ricers out there, you know who you are! And, if you don’t, now you do. You might be a ricer if

  • You bring an empty Maxwell House coffee can with you to compare size when you shop for an aftermarket exhaust system.
  • Your Eclipse GS-T hardtop has a “SPYDER” emblem on the rear…
  • You have more exhaust decibels than your engine has horsepower.
  • You have aftermarket FRONT wheels for racing but stock rear wheels.
  • Your engine makes twice as much horsepower as torque.
  • When you install your super phat wing, you put the pointy ends up
  • You purchase and install a body kit, one piece at a time
  • You saw the “Rice Boy” magazine in the back of Sport Compact, and inquired about a subscription
  • Your brother is pissed cause you stole the muffler off his dirt bike (it was a direct fit!)
  • Your dad is worried cause you bought a car with less displacement than his lawnmower
  • 17″ rims up front, 13″ out back on your FWD.
  • You ever painted your wheels to match the same color of your car.
  • You put your automatic car in neutral at every stoplight in order to roll it back and try to fool other people into thinking you have a manual transmission
  • DuPont gave up trying to figure out the shade you were asking for.
  • Your mod list includes stereo equipment, shifter handle, MOMO steering wheel, PIA driving lights, exhaust tip, but no REAL engine parts.
  • A chameleon lizard undergoes fewer shade changes than your custom paint scheme.
  • Your rims and tires are so large, that you have to install the tire / wheel from underneath the car because it simply won’t fit in the wheel well going in from the side.
  • The dealer laughs when you bring your car back in for service under warranty, and you’ve only had it 6 months…
  • Your tires / rims stick out from the lip of your car by more than 1.”
  • Your paint job is from the WRONG end of the color spectrum.
  • You installed spacers on your STOCK wheels and tires to get them to stick out past the fender.
  • You see cars like yours in a Shriner’s Parade for Children and clowns are driving them.
  • Your sum knowledge of suspension is: “the more negative camber, the better the handling.”
  • You push your car through the staging lanes. That way, maybe you can break into the 16s by keeping the motor cool between runs.
  • You add a super tall rear wing, and a hundred pounds of aftermarket ground effects, neon and stereo yet you gut the interior and yank out the rear seat for weight savings.
  • Your rear wing AND your rear window have a third mount brake light…
  • The back lighting in the gauges in your A-pillar gauge pod work long before the actual gauges are hooked up.
  • You cut 4 coil springs and scrape the chassis on the ground. Sparks are cool when you corner at normal traffic speeds!
  • You have to find a way to drive AROUND speed bumps in a parking lot.
  • You install clear corner and brake lights.
  • You install colored bulbs in your aftermarket clear lenses.
  • You ever put neon on the bottom of your car, and then busted it on the first speed bump you went over.
  • You painted the UNDERBODY of your car to match
  • If your rear spoiler is taller then you are.
  • If you can fit fist f*ck your exhaust tip
  • You have more stereo WATTS than engine TORQUE!
  • If your tailpipe extension is the most expensive mod you’ve done to your engine yet.
  • Your tailpipe extension fell off during a quarter mile race and you went three tenths of a second faster due to weight savings.
  • EVERY car in your class has a turbo pushing double digits worth of boost.
  • You spent $5,000 on the engine and you can not out run a stock Camaro, Firebird, or Mustang
  • You want the ‘wastegate’ sound, but don’t want to install a turbocharger system.
  • You think Nitrous Oxide on your Hyundai Sonata puts you in the same performance league as the Chevy Corvette.
  • The automatic version of your car runs 2 seconds slower in the 1/4mile.
    If the 1970 Plymouth Daytona Superbird has a smaller spoiler than your car does.
  • You think the Del Sol is a sports car…
  • A torque converter does NOTHING for your car.
  • You think a deep farty noise = the sound of high performance
  • If you think that horsepower is far more important than torque
  • If you have ever claimed that switching to a cone filter has given you more than 5 HP.
  • If you have ever considered installing more than one set of fog / driving lights.
  • If you claim that the aftermarket cold air intake system you just installed doubled your horsepower or took 2 or more seconds off of your E/T.
  • Your baseball cap is always on backwards when you drive (the first sign of mental retardation, wearing your clothes backwards… BE).
  • You spent all night on the Internet trying to find a company that makes a turbocharger system for your Hyundai…
  • If you removed your side view mirrors and put them at the TOP of the door / window frame.
  • The color of your interior upholstery hurts the cones and rods in other people’s eyes.

  • If you cannot drive your car in snow as the ground effects create a plow effect.
  • If you have installed driving lights to compensate for headlight blackouts / tape.
  • If you think that 180 horsepower and 185 lb/ft of torque are impressive for a ‘mildly’ modified engine.
  • If you have stickers on your car for parts that you could not point out if asked where those parts are installed.
  • You think pushrods are a bad thing…
  • Your car has more decals than you do the quarter in seconds.
  • Every Honda you EVER owned, all the way back to your 1978 Accord was either a V-Tec or a TYPE-R.
  • You took your rear seat out and gutted your interior for weight savings but you installed 400 pounds of electronics, neon, DVD, Sony, etc.
  • If you gutted the interior to save weight on a car that you will never take to the track…
  • You lean your seat so far back when you are driving, that every time you hit a bump, its your back and not your butt that hurts.
  • You have hydraulics and sixteen switches on a car you claim runs low 10s on the street and corners better than a Porsche.
  • If you can estimate that your car makes more than 250 HP without ever running it at the track or getting a dyno reading.
  • You claim that you can get a titanium block for your engine.
  • If you have ever thought Hyundai and “performance” went hand in hand
  • If you’ve ever gone to a parts shop or speed warehouse and asked for a 1″ to 6″ exhaust adapter…
  • If you’ve ever contemplated adding “TYPE-R” stickers to your Sonata…
  • If you’ve removed more than 1/2 of the coils from your springs by cutting them yourself …
  • If you have more neon lights on your car than a strip club…
  • You put Kanji on your Ford ZX2, Ford Probe, or Mercury Cougar …
  • You own a “TYPE-R” Hyundai or Mazda.
  • You couldn’t afford headlight masking, so you just painted them with flat black Krylon and it’s peeling. Badly.
  • You claim that polishing your intake gave you 5hp.
  • You own a V-TEC Hyundai or Mazda (especially a V-TEC rotary engined Mazda RX-7)
  • You have neon INSIDE your car or in your ENGINE compartment
  • You ever claimed that high gas mileage made your car superior in performance to V8s.
  • If it takes you 8000rpm to reach 30mph from a dead stop at WOT.
  • You think yellow plastic interior trim makes your car cool
  • You spend $500 for a giant hand welded tube for a muffler with the weld marks extremely visible
  • If you paint your drum brakes to simulate Hi-po calipers
  • If you install fake hi-po caliper / disc simulators
  • You have a front wing.
  • If you lower your car and add ground effects but retain the stock 14inch wheels with disc style wheel covers
  • If you equate the sound of performance with the sound of a Weed Eater™
  • If you think bolting a fake muffler to one side to simulate dual exhaust is cool
  • If you think colored head lights work better
  • Clear tail lights and turn signals. They’re colored for a REASON!
  • If you take mom’s 4 door Honda accord and do any kind of mod to it
  • You drive a Ford Escort station wagon with Kanji, wide tires, and Limp Bizkit stickers on the rear hatch
  • You claim you lost the race because you had a passenger in the car.
  • You claim how if you went from a roll you would have beat him.
  • You claim you lost because you missed a shift… and your car is an automatic.
  • You claim you lost because he must have been on the juice..
  • Flying past the person who is 10 car lengths in front of you after they have put on their brakes.. and claim a victory.
  • After losing you flip your opponent off… rev your motor and fail to break the wheels loose even around a corner.
  • Tell everyone about how you lost the cop because of your “driving skills.”
  • You are a white kid driving an import.. wear baggy pants/hat turned around, walk with a fake limp and end every sentence with “yew know wha I’m sayin? Relate.”
  • Your idea of aiming a handgun is raising your arm over your head, pointing the gun away from you, and then just letting your wrist fall to the side to where the gun is almost sideways …
  • Drive around in a $20,000 import with $10,000 in mods.. and still live with your parents.
  • You can relate to every line of the song “Pretty Fly For A White Guy” by the Offspring
  • You take offense when I say.. “your sister is like your car.. small, tight and hard to get into.”
  • You are a skinny, backwards hat wearing, dog chain wallet, 2 ft wide pants leg, Limp Bizkit looking white boy fag with a badly applied peroxide hair color treatment and temporary rub-on tattoos!
  • You’ve spent more on graphics and decals than you have in gas, for the whole year
  • You sound like you’re going 90, but you’re just creeping past 25
  • You upgraded to the “big bore” 2 inch exhaust
  • You lose 2 mpg by installing a body kit
  • Your wing is so large that if you go faster than 65, your bumper drags
  • You think “displacement” is something that happens to homeless people
  • Yugo’s give you a run for the money
  • You continuously run red lights because they are invisible thru your red window tint
    15′s are considered HUGE rims
  • You can reach back and defrost the rear window by hand
  • You will race anyone, anytime, and already know that you will lose
  • You think Moby is one of the greatest composers of our time
  • You spend all your money pimping it out because spending money to make it faster is a waste
  • Your little sister is the only one impressed with your car
  • When you win a race, you don’t really win, it’s just that the other guy felt soooo sorry for you
  • You think your mom’s Corolla is fast
  • The cross section of your exhaust tip is bigger than the contact patch of your tires
  • Your aftermarket tach is bigger than your fist
  • You bought the big ass tach to try to scare off the fast cars but all it does is let people know how hard you have to push it to exceed the legal speed limit
  • You rev on school busses
  • Hell, you rev on people in electric wheelchairs
  • You buy and install custom rims a pair at a time
  • You’ve entered a 12 step program called “How to come to terms with your limitations”
  • The bill of your hat gets caught when you roll the window up
  • You really want to kick my ass right now
  • You cut 2″ holes in your rear bumper and don’t know what they’re for
  • You cut 2″ holes in your rear bumper and DO know what they’re for
  • You go to the auto paint store and pick out the most retina burning color you can find
  • You buy race gas to drop you from 17.02 to 16.9 in the quarter, and then tell all your friends how fast you went
  • You add a second battery to power all the neon, and the mini disco ball
  • You add a wing on TOP of your car, ’cause wagons need down force too
  • You’ve ever painted bare, raw fiberglass black and said “Look! It’s just like carbon fiber!”
  • You get pimped out props from the mini truck crowd
  • You still only get dates from high school girls
  • You actually own a pair of light up glasses from Checker Auto
  • If you think the Fugees are ‘speed’ music.
  • MOMO is ‘absolutely required’ to go fast.
  • Your four cylinder has a dual exhaust system installed.
  • Your four cylinder has four exhaust pipes (“Hey, one for each cylinder!”)
  • YOU REALIZE THAT ALL OF THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND YOU STILL THINK YOU’RE COOL!!!

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