You Might Be a Redneck IF…

Note: This “Redneck Test” was taken from Jeff Foxworthy’s 1997 Calendar. These, and all proceeding ”You Might Be a Redneck If“, jokes were written by him.

You Might Be a Redneck IF

. . . you were acquitted for murdering your first wife after she threw out your Elvis 45′s.

. . . you think watching professional wrestling is foreplay.

. . . your front porch collapses and four dogs get killed.

. . . you no longer drink wine ever since the screw cap got caught up your nose.

. . . you think that Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader.

. . . that billboard that says, “Say No To Crack” reminds you to pull up your jeans.

. . . your wife’s hairdo was ever ruined by a ceiling fan.

. . . you go to your family reunions looking for a date.

. . . you think a Volvo is part of a woman’s anatomy.

. . . your Junior/Senior Prom had a Daycare.

. . . you’ve got more than three cousins named “Bubba”.

. . . you have an Elvis Jell-O mold.

. . . taking your wife on a cruise means circling the Dairy Queen.

. . . you’ve got more than one other named “Darryl”.

. . . you ever won first prize in a tobacco spittin’ contest.

. . . on Thanksgiving Day you have to decide which pet to eat.

. . . you’ve ever come home and found crime scene tape across your front porch.

. . . your favorite entree is Spam barbecued on the grill.

. . . your child’s first words were, “Attention K-Mart shoppers!”.

. . . your idea of high-quality entertainment is a six-pack and a bug-zapper.

. . . your whole family is Democrats except little Mary. She got to readin’.

. . . you think the last words to The Star Spangled Banner are “Gentlemen, start your engines.”

. . . you kissed your own wife at midnight at the New Year’s Eve party.

. . . you’ve ever taken reading material into an airplane restroom.

. . . you’ve ever gotten an official letter of recognition from a tobacco or beer company.

. . . you vacuum the sheets instead of washing them.

. . . you’ve ever valet parked a snow plow.

. . . you’ve ever stood in line to have your picture made with a freak of nature.

. . . you break wind in public and blame it on your kid.

. . . you’ve ever had to siphon gas from your lawn mower to put into your truck.

. . . you’ve ever paid for a six-pack of beer with pennies.

. . . there are hubcap wind chimes anywhere on your block.

. . . you have a Bud Light pool-table light hanging over your dining room table.

. . . the strongest smell in your house is butane.

. . . you think paprika is a Third World country.

. . . you ask the preacher, “How’s it hanging?”

. . . you go to a stock car race and don’t need a program.

. . . you have a bumper sticker that says, “My mother’s an honor student” at the local junior high.

. . . you think potted meat on a saltine is an hors d’oeuvre.

. . . you played the banjo in your high school band.

. . . the UFO hotline limits you to one call per day.

. . . your spring wardrobe mostly involves using scissors.

. . . your tires are worth more than your truck.

. . . you tried to claim “loss of teeth” as an exemption on your taxes.

. . . your daddy’s legacy is a gun rack and Jerry Clower’s autograph on a Stuckey’s napkin.

. . . you bought your best pair of shoes off the impulse rack by the register.

. . . you think beef jerky and Moonpies are two of the major food groups.

. . . you take out a home improvement loan to buy a new camper shell.

. . . you and six of your neighbors split a cable bill.

. . . Jack Daniels makes your list of most admired people.

. . . you prefer car keys to Q-tips.

. . . you have a sign on your front door explaining house rules and liability.

. . . people don’t recognize your car without a dead animal on the hood.

. . . your mailbox holds up one end of your clothesline.

. . . you participate in a “Who can spit tobacco the farthest?” contest.

. . . you know of at least six different ways to bend the bill of a baseball cap.

. . . you’re not actually able to read The Richard Petty Story, but you do like to look at the pictures.

. . . you’ve ever had to appear in court because of your dogs.

. . . the front license plate of your car has the words “Foxy Lady” written in airbrush.

. . . your checks feature pictures of dogs fighting.

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