You Might be a Child of the 80′s If…

This is going to make me feel old (eek). This kind of stuff was supposed to be reserved for my parents, now it’s getting written for my generation. Not cool, I’m still young at heart though. Heh. At any rate, you might have beenĀ a child in the 80′s if any of the following applies to you…

  • You have deep, personal relationships via computers with people you’ve never met in real life before.
  • Three words: “Atari” “IntelliVision” and “Coleco”. Sound familiar?
  • You remember the days when “safe sex” meant “my parents are gone for the weekend”.
  • The phrase “Where’s the beef?” still doubles you over with laughter.
  • The phrase “going courting”, to you, means fighting an unjust traffic ticket or playing tennis.
  • You know, by heart, the words to any “Weird” Al Yankovic song.
  • You remember “Friday Night Videos” before the days of MTV.
  • You ever owned a pair of “Pop-Wheels” – that handy little combination of shoe and roller skate that lasted about a year on the open market.
  • A predominant color in your childhood photos is “plaid”.
  • You’re pissed that you couldn’t really participate in the 60′s, pissed that you were a part of the 70′s, think you wasted too much time doing stupid, meaningless things in the 80′s, and still have no clue what the 90′s are all about.
  • You see teenagers today wearing clothes that show up in those childhood photos, and they still look bad.
  • While in high school, you and all your friends discussed elaborate plans to get together again at the end of the century and play “1999″ by Prince over and over again.
  • You remember when music that was labeled “alternative” really was.
  • You were shocked and horrified at the Challenger explosion (which you were probably watching in school at the time), and yet, when someone mentions the name “JFK”, the first thing you think of is “Oliver Stone”.
  • You, yes you, sat down and memorized the entire lyric sheet to “It’s the end of the world as we know it”.
  • You can’t remember when the word “networking” didn’t have a computer connotation to it as well.
  • You took family trips before the invention of the mini-van. You rode in the back of the station wagon and you faced the cars behind you.
  • You knew all the words to Billy Joel’s We Didn’t Start the Fire, but it really didn’t hold any meaning for you until about the third verse.
  • You’ve ever conversationally used the phrase “Jane, you ignorant slut”.
  • You’ve recently horrified yourself by using any one of the following phases:
    • “When I was younger”
    • “When I was your age”
    • “You know, back when…”
    • “Because I said so, that’s why”
    • “What the Hell is this noise on the radio?”
    • “Just can’t (fill in the blank) like I used to”
  • You can’t remember a time when “going out for coffee” didn’t involve 49,000 selections to choose from.
  • Schoolhouse Rock played a huge part in how you actually learned the English language.
  • Kids that work in restaurants and supermarkets are starting to piss you off by calling you “sir” or “ma’am”.
  • “Celebration” by Kool & the Gang was one of the hot new songs when you first heard it at a school dance.
  • The first time you ever kissed someone at a dance fell during “Crazy for You” by Madonna.
  • When someone mentions two consecutive days of the week, the Happy Days theme is stuck in your head for hours on end.
  • You remember trying to guess the episode of the Brady Bunch from the first scene.
  • You ever used the phrase “don’t make me angry…you wouldn’t like me when I’m angry” when trying to frighten someone off.
  • You spent endless nights dreaming about being the Bionic Woman or Wonder Woman or the Six Million Dollar Man.
  • There were at least three people in your school that voluntarily went by the names of “Skip” “Buffy” “Muffy” or “Dexter”.
  • You’re starting to believe that maybe 30 isn’t so old after all, and it’s those people over 40 you have to look out for.
  • You freaked out when you found that you now fall into the “26 – 50″ age category on most questionnaires.
  • You have begun to lust after women (or men) that it would be socially inappropriate for you to date due to their age.
  • Your hair, at some point in time in the 80′s, became something which can only be described by the phrase “I was experimenting”.
  • This timeline appropriately describes actual events in your life: Star Wars opens, you are still in single digit ages, and you think the creatures are WAY cool. Empire Strikes Back opens, you are now in early double digit ages, and you are convinced that the special effects are much better, the characters are cool, and you want one of every collectible out there. Return of the Jedi hits the theaters…you are now a teenager, and you cannot get your eyes off Princess Leia’s breasts or Han Solo’s butt. You fantasize forever and ever about it, and send off to join every fan club for them on the planet, hanging posters, photos, and “teen”-type magazine spreads all over your walls and lockers at school.
  • You remember when the phrase “candy is dandy, but sex won’t rot your teeth” started getting followed by “yeah, but M&M’s won’t give you AIDS…”.
  • You’ve ever shopped at a Banana Republic or Benetton, but not in the last five years, okay?
  • You’re starting to believe (now that it wouldn’t affect you) that maybe having the kids go to school year-round wouldn’t be such a bad idea after all.
  • You’re doing absolutely nothing with anything pertaining to your major degree.
  • You won’t walk into the place where you once knew every bartender on a first name basis because “there’s too many kids there”.
  • Going to keg parties no longer involves hiding out in the woods when the cops show up.
  • You want to go out dancing, you really, really do, but your back hurts, sorry.
  • You’re starting to get that “why aren’t you married yet” shpiel, not just from parents, but now from friends that are married.
  • You’ve recently horrified yourself by groaning as you get out of bed, not because of a hangover, but because it genuinely just hurt to do so.
  • You’re finding that you just don’t understand more than half the lingo used on MTV any more.
  • (Mostly guys on this one) sex is still as much fun as it used to be, and you’re still really interested in it, but you just want to make sure there’s nothing really good on cable that you’d be missing first.
  • U2 is too “popular” and “mainstream” for you now.
  • You ever used the phrase “kiss mah grits” in conversation.
  • You remember “Hey, let’s be careful out there”.
  • You know who shot J.R.
  • This rings a bell: “and my name, is Charlie. They work for me.”

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