Top 11 Excuses For Not Showing Up To Work

We all need an excuse to miss work sometimes… maybe you just can’t think of a good way to tell the boss “Look, I don’t feel like coming in today.” We make it easy, just pick any of the following 11 (I felt like going above and beyond the normal 10 today) excuses for not showing up to work.

  1. “If it is all the same to you I won’t be coming in to work. The voices told me to clean all┬ámy guns today.”
  2. “When I got up this morning I took two Ex-Lax in addition to my Prozac. I can’t get off the toilet, but I feel good about it.”
  3. “I set half the clocks in my house ahead an hour and the other half back an hour Saturday and spent 18 hours in some kind of space-time continuum loop, reliving Sunday (right up until the explosion). I was able to exit the loop only by reversing the polarity of the power source exactly e*log(pi) for the clocks in the house while simultaneously rapping my dog on the snout with a rolled up New York Times. Accordingly, I will now be in late, or early.”
  4. “I have to go in for a blood transfusion… My stigmata’s acting up again.”
  5. “I can’t come in to work today because I’ll be stalking my previous boss, who fired me for not showing up for work. OK?
  6. “I have a rare case of 48-hour projectile leprosy but I know we have that deadline to meet, so if you really want me to come in…”
  7. “I am stuck in the blood pressure machine down at the pharmacy.”
  8. “Yes, I seem to have contracted some attention-deficit disorder and, hey, how about them Skins, huh? So, I won’t be able to, yes, could I help you? No, no, I’ll be sticking with Sprint, but thank you for calling.”
  9. “I just found out that I was switched at birth. Legally, I shouldn’t come to work knowing my employee records may now contain false information.
  10. “The psychiatrist said it was an excellent session. He even gave me this jaw restraint so I won’t bite things when I am startled.”
  11. “Constipation has made me a walking time bomb and I have to keep my back to an open window.

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