Taliban Learning Texan

Afghanistan’s Taliban leaders probably don’t yet realize they are not only dealing with the world’s most powerful country, but they’ve also made the unfortunate mistake of messing with a Texan.

Texans, they’ll learn, have their own way of doing things–their own way of looking at the world. Texas is a big place and Texans think big. Texans like imagery, similes and metaphors. Heck, they’ve even got their own language.

The Taliban, barring an unlikely change in attitudes and circumstances, are about to get a crash course in Talkin’ Texan 101. It’s not always a pretty language, but it is a gloriously effective way to communicate. I have prepared a small sampling of words and phrases which are certain to be part of Professor Bush’s lesson materials.

We leave cain’t at home. Texans do not see failure as an option.

Plate of crazy. What the Taliban leaders had for breakfast the morning they decided to play hardball with the USA.

To be dealt the five of clubs. The five of clubs refers to the fist. You boys remember this phrase when the first 500 pounder goes off in the men’s room at Taliban headquarters.

Kittycomboddy. A corruption of quiere combate , which in Spanish means, “do you want to fight?” Texans use it as a noun as in “we’re going to put some kittycomboddy on you,” or “we’re gonna open a can of Kittycomboddy.”

The only thing in the middle of the road is yellow lines and dead armadillos. Don’t expect moderation from a Texan.

Ain’t gonna be nothin left but the fur and the claws. Probable fate of the Taliban regime.

Got his stinger out. Said of anyone in a combative mood — like the American people for example.

All hat and no cattle. This phrase describes folks who can’t back up what they say or aren’t all of what they seem. In the Taliban’s part of the world it might be “All turban and no goats.”

All eat up with the dumb. Used to describe terminally stupid people. People stupid enough, as an example, to destroy ancient archeological sites for “religious reasons.”

Pert near but not plumb. Almost but not quite. This might soon be said in reply to “have the Taliban surrendered yet?”

Shaking hands with Old Stony Lonesome. To die. Unfortunately a lot of you will be making this fellow’s acquaintance soon.

Whip like a red-headed stepchild. To administer harsh corporal punishment. (Y’all prolly never heard of Cinderella.)

Shorter than a second grade recess. An incredibly brief period of time. Let’s say, as an example, the time left for the Taliban to rule Afghanistan.

There are two things I can do for you and both of them are nothing. You’re out of luck.

Readin’ love stories and drinkin’ lemonade. To engage in innocent and non-stressful pursuits. Something you ol’ boys should have been doing all along.


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