Rules Of The Modern World

This is for all the youngsters out there. Some of you aren’t as experienced with the ‘real world’ as we adults are. Therefore, we’ve got a few tips for you – some are better than others but they’re all quite important. Take notes, live and learn, and… oh yea… don’t feed the animals.

  • If at first you don’t succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
  • A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
  • Experience is something you don’t get until just after you need it.
  • For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.
  • He who hesitates is probably right.
  • Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with.
  • No one is listening until you make a mistake.
  • Success always occurs in private, and failure in full view.
  • The colder the X-ray table, the more of your body is required to press on it.
  • The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.
  • To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
  • To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to destroy all evidence that you tried.
  • If at first you don’t succeed, rise above your principles.
  • Two wrongs are only the beginning.
  • Work is accomplished by those employees who are still striving to reach their level of incompetence.
  • You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive. (The corollary is:
  • You never learn to pray until your kids learn to drive!)
  • The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
  • Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.
  • The sooner you fall behind, the more time you’ll have to catch up.

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