The Hot Tamale- when your poop actually burns on the way out causing severe unpleasantness and constant squirming. Your only saving grace is to allow the poop to shoot out at such velocity that the water from the splash shoots up and cools your burning buns off. This is also known as a watermelon, to mask this try performing an astaire or camo-cough.

Emergency Plan – Always know the location of a secondary bathroom in case of a time bomb. The law of averages indicates that the Emergency Plan will succeed.

Loud Mouth Larry – The guy who takes the stall next to you and then starts talking to you. Very uncomfortable. Usually a co-worker and an Out of Closet Pooper. His intent is to get you to come out of the closet too. He’s usually a sneaker peeker (see below).

Shower Pack – A small pack of moist wipes to insure you leave the room as clean as you were after your morning shower.

Fast, Proud, and Loud – The guy who comes in with no inhibitions, drops it loud and proud, and has no worries about the sounds or smells he makes, regardless of who else is in there. Usually your boss. It’s a sign of how high up the ladder you are.

Sneaker Peeker – Checking just enough under the stall to see the shoes of the guy who just sat down next to you. Helps determine if its a co-worker or just a stranger. Helps determine if you can go loud and proud or if you need some comando tactics. You must become familiar with the footwear of all your co-workers, especially the boss.

Taken Hostage – You’re all alone, just ready to go, and then the boss comes in and takes the stall next to you. You have to hold it in and can’t make a move or a noise until he leaves. If he makes noises and smells you must move your feet as far away as possible from the divider in case he does a Sneaker Peeker and realizes he just embarrassed himself in front of a peon. You are hostage until he leaves.

No Hander – Not technically pooping, but still relevant. Going to the bathroom without touching anything besides your zipper. Guys do this about 70% of the time. Open the door with your foot, stand at the pot, unzip, shake your pants to get it out, use leverage on your pants to keep the aim strait and to do the shake off, and use a hand wipe (or your shirt) to open the door. This is done to not have to wash your hands, yet still feel 100% clean. Guys will eat Cheetos on the way back to their desk and lick their fingers clean after a No Hander.