News Headlines From The Year 2037

Alright I admit, we’re getting a little ahead of ourselves here but what the heck. I took a ride on a time machine the other day and snagged a newspaper from the local vending machine (actually my future self did as I didn’t have an ID chip implanted yet). Here’s the scoop on what’s going down at a later date…

  • Couple petitions California court to reinstate heterosexual marriage.
  • Last remaining Fundamentalist Muslim dies in the American Territory of the Middle East (formerly known as Iraq, Afghanistan, Syria and Lebanon).
  • Iran still closed off; physicists estimate it will take another 10 years before radioactivity decreases to levels safe enough to send someone in to get another estimate.
  • Ozone created by electric cars now killing millions in the seventh largest country in the world, Mexifornia formally known as California.
  • Spotted Owl plague threatens northwestern United States crops and livestock.
  • Baby conceived naturally… scientists stumped.
  • Japanese scientists have created a camera with such a fast shutter speed, they can now photograph a woman with her mouth shut. It will be made in China.
  • IRS lowers the Federal tax rate to 75 percent now that the National Debt is under $100 trillion.
  • France pleads for global help after being overtaken by Jamaica.
  • Castro finally dies at age 117; Cuban cigars can now be imported legally, but President Chelsea Clinton has banned all smoking.
  • George Z. Bush says he will run for President in 2040.
  • Postal Service raises price of first class stamp to $22.85 and restricts mail delivery to Wednesdays only. In other news, postage for sending an email was reduced to $.75 cents.
  • 85-year, $75.8 billion study: Diet and exercise is the key to weight loss.
  • Average weight of Americans drops to 300 lbs.
  • Massachusetts executes last remaining conservative. Liberals rejoice.
  • Supreme Court rules punishment of criminals violates their civil rights.
  • Average height of NBA players now nine feet, seven inches.
  • Congress authorizes direct deposit of formerly illegal political contributions to campaign accounts.
  • Capitol Hill intern indicted for refusing to have sex with congressman.
  • Florida Voters still don’t know how to use a voting machine.

(Feel free to add your own in the comments section, this should be fun : )


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