News Headlines From The Year 2037

Alright I admit, we’re getting a little ahead of ourselves here but what the heck. I took a ride on a time machine the other day and snagged a newspaper from the local vending machine (actually my future self did as I didn’t have an ID chip implanted yet). Here’s the scoop on what’s going down at a later date…

• Couple petitions California court to reinstate heterosexual marriage.
• Last remaining Fundamentalist Muslim dies in the American Territory of the Middle East (formerly known as Iraq, Afghanistan, Syria and Lebanon).
• Iran still closed off; physicists estimate it will take another 10 years before radioactivity decreases to levels safe enough to send someone in to get another estimate.
• Ozone created by electric cars now killing millions in the seventh largest country in the world, Mexifornia formally known as California.
• Spotted Owl plague threatens northwestern United States crops and livestock.
• Baby conceived naturally… scientists stumped.
• Japanese scientists have created a camera with such a fast shutter speed, they can now photograph a woman with her mouth shut. It will be made in China.
• IRS lowers the Federal tax rate to 75 percent now that the National Debt is under $100 trillion.
• France pleads for global help after being overtaken by Jamaica.
• Castro finally dies at age 117; Cuban cigars can now be imported legally, but President Chelsea Clinton has banned all smoking.
• George Z. Bush says he will run for President in 2040.
• Postal Service raises price of first class stamp to $22.85 and restricts mail delivery to Wednesdays only. In other news, postage for sending an email was reduced to $.75 cents.
• 85-year, $75.8 billion study: Diet and exercise is the key to weight loss.
• Average weight of Americans drops to 300 lbs.
• Massachusetts executes last remaining conservative. Liberals rejoice.
• Supreme Court rules punishment of criminals violates their civil rights.
• Average height of NBA players now nine feet, seven inches.
• Congress authorizes direct deposit of formerly illegal political contributions to campaign accounts.
• Capitol Hill intern indicted for refusing to have sex with congressman.
• Florida Voters still don’t know how to use a voting machine.

(Feel free to add your own in the comments section, this should be fun : )

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News Headlines From The Year 2037 was written by F&J Staff on Tuesday, September 11th, 2007 at 9:53 am. It was filed under News. You can follow any responses to this entry through the Comments RSS feed. You may also be interested in reading ,  Baseball In Heaven,  Bad and Worse News,  Fortune Teller,  The Bar Bet,  Potty Mouths For Breakfast.