Mr. T Facts

In response to the overwhelming popularity of our Chuck Norris and Jack Bauer facts, we now give you… dun dun dun… Mr. T Facts.  This dude is bad, but batter than Chuck and Jack? Seems like all the cool kids are getting their own facts, what about us? Eh, at any rate… I pity the fool who reads all of these.

  • Mr. T was actually raised by a tribe of wookies living high in the Sierra mountains. They blessed him with the ability to pity fools and taught him their sacred language of Jibba Jabba.
  • The first human alphabet consisted of only ‘Mr.’ and ‘T’. Other letters eventually had to be created in order to describe things that were not, in fact, awesome.
  • Scientists theorize that Mr. T cannot catch AIDS because his T-cells pity the virus into submission. The study of this phenomenon would lead to an AIDS vaccine; however doctors cannot obtain a blood sample because medical science has been unable to invent a hypodermic needle capable of piercing Mr. T’s skin.
  • When cloning technology was first being researched, Mr. T was called in to be a test subject. However, there was a terrible miscalculation and the accident created Booker T.
  • Mr. T once pitied a third of Europe. This event is now known as The Black Death.
  • Don’t ever call Mr. T, just “T”, somebody did that once, just once…
  • Mr. T was really the one responsible for the end of the Cold War. President Reagan sent him over to Russia and upon entering, had so much crunk around his neck, completely destroyed the standard value of gold for those Commie sons of bitches.
  • Curious but true: the circumference of Mr. T’s chest divided by the circumference of his biceps equals the number of pounds of gold around his neck. Check for yourself if you don’t believe me.
  • Mr. T is the reason your son is black.
  • Guns dont kill people, Mr. T kills people.
  • Mr. T got all his gold chains during a wild night of flashing his man boobs at Mardi Gras in 1993.
  • Mr. T’s trademark phrase “I pity the foo” was in the first copy of the bible. It was later removed because his righteous gold chains were being worshiped as false idols.
  • When Mr. T sleeps, he stores his gold chains in a special closet built for this purpose. We know this place as “Fort Knox”.
  • The movie “Clash of the Titans” was originally supposed be about an epic battle between Chuck Norris and Mr. T. During the first first scene atop Mt. Vesuvius, however, the volcano could not handle the sheer pressure and erupted, burying the city of Pompeii. Hollywood thus invented Greek civilization. Archeologists, while later excavating Pompeii, were to surprised to uncover a series of large gold chains, including one with a giant T emblem.
  • They’ve done studies, you know. Sixty precent of the time, Mr. T pities you all the time.
  • Mr. T shot the sheriff and the deputy.
  • Mr. T took Mother Nature from behind. We refer to the event as the Big Bang.
  • Mr. T never learned to read. Letters learned to accomodate Mr. T’s mind.
  • Mr. T and Chuck Norris once decided to fight each other. As both possess infinite strength, time and mass became a non issue. The fight is over, still going on, and yet to begin all at the same time. This evidence is what gave Einstein his big “relativity” idea. While the results of the fight are impossible for anyone to comprehend, let alone know, two things are certain. Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked somebody in the face, and Mr. T pitied a fool.
  • The last person who touched Mr. T’s gold chains was Helen Keller.
  • Earthquakes don’t happen when the plates in the Earth are over-stressed by tectonic forces. They happen when Mr. T has to listen to too much jibba-jabba at once, which makes him angry enough to punch cracks in the Earth felt for hundreds of miles.
  • Mr. T plays ping pong with a medicine ball.
  • Mr. T was asked to be a consultant during the filming of Rocky IV. Upon his arrival he immediately punched Dolph Lundgren in the face for offering a handshake. When the producer asked why he would do such a thing, he picked the man up, lit his head on fire and smoked him. The director was reportedly Cuban.
  • Mr T. once pitied so many fools at once that just thinking about the amount of fools he pitied causes you to be automatically pitied.
  • Mr T once got an erection on a crowded train with beautiful women… they will be missed.
  • April 1st became known as “April Fool’s Day” only after Mr. T decided it would be easier to pity a whole bunch of fools on a set date rather than pitying a few fools each day.
  • Mr. T singlehandedly canceled “Friends” by frowning one time.
  • Mr. T’s dad once made him play Kiddie-Ball when he was little. The first time he was up to bat he hit a homer. They renamed it T-Ball in his honor.
  • Mr. T once had a staring contest with a statue and won.
  • Richard Simmons is Vin Diesel, after being pitied by Mr. T.
  • Mr. T has such a strong understanding of the English language that he can use the word “pity” as a preposition, adverb and a conjunction in a single sentence.
  • Mr. T doesn’t lift weights because it infers that he has limits to his strength.
  • Mr. T’s sweat can be used to purify gold. In addition, he doesn’t buy gold… it grows from his neck.
  • At first President Bush wanted to invade the A-Team’s van. They had intel that Murdock was hiding WMDs. When Bush heard a rumor that it was MR. T’s Pity. He decided it would be safer to go after Iraq.
  • In 1982 while working as a bouncer Mr. T invented a move so perilous that it is still spoken of with great admiration… that move is forever known as T Bagging.
  • At his current pace, Mr. T will have pitied every man, woman and child ever born by the year 2012. At that point, he will descend to Hell, offer a final pity for “that fool Devil,” and ascend to take his rightful place as God’s bouncer.
  • When Mr.T was on the price is right in 1979, he pitied Bob Barker, then he held the wheel still as he spun the world around it.
  • Every night Mr. T prays: “God grant me the serenity to accept the fools I cannot pity, the courage to pity the fools I can, and some crazy chrome spinners.”
  • Mr. T doesn’t care what Willis was talking about, it’s probably just a bunch of jibba jabba anyway.
  • Upon Realizing how many lives it would take to defeat the Japanese in WWII, Gerneral McArthur sent Mr.T and Chuck Noris plane tickets to a Anime convention in Hiroshima. I think we all know what happened next.
  • In the beginning, Mr. T created the heavens and the earth. And Mr. T said, “Let there be fools”; and there were fools. And Mr. T saw that the fools were bad; and pitied them.
  • The Hummer can scale a 60 degree incline. Mr. T’s 1982 GMC van can do 115 degrees.
  • According to Mr T only two languages exist: English and Jibba Jabba.
  • Mr. T’s penis is so intimidating that it was offered a spot on the group of judges for American Idol. However, this offer was dropped because Simon Cowell didn’t want a bigger d*ck than he was at the judges table.
  • The last time Mr. T took a dump and flushed it, people thought that there were alligators in the New York sewers.
  • Mr. T has the ability to kick all forms of ass known to man, 11 forms of ass unknown to man and 3 forms of unknown ass unknown to Yoda. He uses this ability on an hourly basis.
  • The only reason Mr. T is not Dr. T is because his thesis, entitled “Fools and Those Who Pity Them”, only had a photo of Mr. T with his arms crossed. After the faculty questioned this, they were found dead with their testicles in their eye sockets, even the women. His thesis is still yet to be marked.
  • Mr. T, Vin Diesel and Chuck Norris once took a sh*t in the same toilet. The result was Rosie O’Donnell.
  • If you could calculate the amount of pity generated by Mr. T every second, you could make infinity feel ashamed of being ridiculously small.
  • When creating the alphabet, Mr. T placed the letters M, R, and T in seperate areas so people could learn to read and spell without fear.
  • When Mr. T looks at a Magic-Eye illusion, the image changes into a crying child and it never changes back.
  • A New Jersey doctor once attempted to remove a mole from Mr. T’s back. After 19 hours of surgery, the mole remains and the doctor has been left paralyzed from the neck up.
  • Scientists don’t actually know how old Mr. T is they can only speculate. They will have to wait until he dies cut his penis in half and count the rings.
  • There was a time when Mr. T didn’t pity fools. That time was called never.
  • “Knock, Knock.” “Who’s there?” “Mr. T” “Shit.”
  • Mr. T can tear glass. Phonebooks are for fools.
  • Mr. T puts the ‘T’ in pity. Without the ‘T’ it would just be piy – and that’s just plain silly.

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