Lawyer Q and A

Q: What do have when a lawyer is buried up to his neck in wet cement? A: Not enough cement. Q: Did you hear they just released a new Barbie doll called “Divorced Barbie”?
A: Yeah, it comes with half of Ken’s things and alimony.

Q: What’s the problem with lawyer jokes?
A: Lawyer’s don’t think they’re funny, and no one else thinks they’re jokes.

Q: How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Fifty four. Eight to argue, one to get a continuance, one to object, one to demur, two to research precedents, one to dictate a letter, one to stipulate, five to turn in their time cards, one to depose, one to write interrogatories, two to settle, one to order a secretary to change the bulb, and twenty-eight to bill for professional services.

Q: Where can you find a good lawyer?
A: In the cemetery.

Q: Where can you find a good lawyer?
A: At the city morgue.

Q: What’s the difference between a porcupine and a Mercedes Benz full of lawyers?
A: The porcupine has pricks on the outside.

Q: How can you tell if a lawyer is well hung?
A: You can’t get a finger between the rope and his neck!

Q: If you are stranded on a desert island with Adolph Hitler, Atilla the Hun, and a lawyer, and you have a gun with only two bullets, what do you do?
A: Shoot the lawyer twice.

Q: What do you call 5000 dead lawyers at the bottom of the ocean?
A: A good start!

Q: How can you tell when a lawyer is lying?
A: His lips are moving.

Q: What’s the difference between a dead dog in the road and a dead lawyer in the road?
A: There are skid marks in front of the dog.

Q: Why won’t sharks attack lawyers?
A: Professional courtesy.

Q: What do you have when a lawyer is buried up to his neck in sand?
A: Not enough sand.

Q: Why did God make snakes just before lawyers?
A: To practice.

A command was given to a dog: “SPEAK!”
The dog said in return: “Not without my lawyer present!”

Q: Why is going to a meeting of the Bar Association like going into a bait shop?
A: Because of the abundance of suckers, leeches, maggots and nightcrawlers.

Q: Why are there so many lawyers in the U.S.?
A: Because St. Patrick chased the snakes out of Ireland.

Q: What’s the difference between a lawyer and a herd of buffalo?
A: The lawyer charges more.

Q: What’s the difference between a lawyer and a vulture?
A: Lawyers accumulate frequent flyer points.

Q: What’s the difference between a lawyer and a terrorist?
A: You can negotiate with a terrorist.

Q: What’s the difference between a bankrupt attorney and a pigeon?
A: The pigeon can still make a deposit on a Mercedes.

Q: What’s the difference between lawyers and buzzards?
A: Lawyers have removable wing tips.

Q: What’s the definition of a lawyer?
A: A mouth with a life support system.

Q: What do you get when you cross a lawyer with a demon from hell?
A: No changes occur.

Q: What’s the difference between God and an attorney?
A: God doesn’t think he’s an attorney.


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