If I Ever Become an Evil Overlord

I consider myself to be smarter than most, in fact I sometimes see things and just know I can do it better. Case in point, the other day I was watching a few sci-fi flicks and realized just how dumb these evil overlord guys are. Tell you what, if I ever become (muahahaha) an evil overlord, I’m gonna do it right:

  • My ventilation ducts will be too small to crawl through.
  • My noble half-brother whose throne I usurped will be killed, not kept anonymously imprisoned in a forgotten cell of my dungeon.
  • My legions of terror will have helmets with clear plexiglass visors, not face-concealing ones. It’s just not as scary.
  • I will not include a self-destruct mechanism unless absolutely necessary. If it is necessary, it will not be a large red button labelled “Danger: Do Not Push”.
  • The artifact which is the source of my power will not be kept on the Mountain of Despair beyond the River of Fire guarded by the Dragons of Eternity. It will be in my safe-deposit box.
  • I will not gloat over my enemies’ predicament before killing them.
  • I will make it clear that I do know the meaning of the word “mercy”; I simply choose not show them any.
  • When I’ve captured my adversary and he says, “Look, before you kill me, will you at least tell me what this is all about?” I’ll shoot him, and then say “No”.
  • After I kidnap the beautiful princess, we will be married immediately in a quiet civil ceremony, not a lavish spectacle in three weeks time during which the final phase of my plan will be carried out.
  • I will not order my trusted lieutenant to kill the infant who is destined to overthrow me – I’ll do it myself.
  • I will not interrogate my enemies in the inner sanctum – a small hotel well outside my borders will work just as well.
  • I will be secure in my superiority. Therefore, I will feel no need to prove it by leaving clues in the form of riddles or leaving my weaker enemies alive to show they pose no threat.
  • When the rebel leader challenges me to fight one-on-one and asks, “Or are you afraid without your armies to back you up?” My reply will be, “No, just sensible.”
  • I will not waste time making my enemy’s death look like an accident: I’m not accountable to anyone and my other enemies wouldn’t believe it.
  • One of my advisors will be an average five-year-old child. Any flaws in my plan that he is able to spot will be corrected before implementation.
  • All slain enemies will be cremated, not left for dead at the bottom of the cliff. The announcement of their deaths, as well as any accompanying celebration, will be deferred until after the aforementioned disposal.
  • My undercover agents will not have tattoos identifying them as members of my organization, nor will they be required to wear military boots or adhere to any other dress codes.
  • I will not use any plan in which the final step is horribly complicated, e.g. “Align the 12 Stones of Power on the sacred altar then activate the medallion at the moment of total eclipse.” Instead it will be more along the lines of “Push the button.”
  • The hero is not entitled to a last kiss, a last cigarette, or any other form of last request.
  • I will never employ any device with a digital countdown. If I find that such a device is absolutely unavoidable, I will set it to activate when the counter reaches 117 and the hero is just putting his plan into operation.
  • I will design all doomsday machines myself. If I must hire a mad scientist to assist me, I will make sure that he is sufficiently twisted to never regret his evil ways and seek to undo the damage he’s caused.
  • My door mechanisms will be designed so that blasting the control panel on the outside seals the door and blasting the control panel on the inside opens the door, not vice versa.
  • When I employ people as advisors, I will occasionally listen to their advice.
  • I will never utter the sentence “But before I kill you, there’s just one thing I want to know.”

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