(Almost) 50 Great “Georgisms” – George Carlin Jokes
Quite possibly the funniest man who ever lived (RIP), he's a great comic for those who love the philosophy of hypocrisy and ambiguity. Here are a few of his jokes, or quotes, things he said... whatever. You know what I mean. How about we just call them "Georgeisms?"
- If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
- If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
- The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
- I went to a bookstore and asked the sales woman, "Where's the self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
- If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him... is he still wrong?
- Is there another word for synonym?
- Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice?"
- Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all?"
- What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
- Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
- Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?
- What was the best thing before sliced bread?
- Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
- If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
- Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?
- Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
- If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
- If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?
- Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?
- How do blind people know when they are done wiping?
- How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
- One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people.
- To be intoxicated is to feel sophisticated, but not be able to say it.
- Procrastination is the art of keeping up with yesterday.
- Women like silent men, they think they're listening.
- Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.
- The older you get, the better you realize you were.
- Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
- Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.
- One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
- Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
- Could it be that all those trick-or-treaters wearing sheets aren't going as ghosts, but as mattresses?
- If a mute swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
- Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
- If you ate pasta and antipasta, would you still be hungry?
- If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
- Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them?
- Do pediatricians play miniature golf on Wednesdays?
- Before they invented drawing boards, what did they go back to?
- Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
- If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?
- If God dropped acid, would he see people?
- If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too?
- If the #2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still #2?
- Men are from Earth, women are from Earth. Deal with it.
- If work is so terrific, how come they have to pay you to do it?
Let's take a moment to savor this great Carlin skit... emmmmmm... ahhhhhhh. R.I.P. If you loved listening to the ramblings of this funny man, gimme a hell yea. And add your own favorite George Carlin one-liners in the comments section. C'mon, another 4 and we'll hit 50!
What'd You Think?
(34 votes, average: 4.44 out of 5)
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Carlin called a spade a spade, and made it funny. He was, is, and always will be a classic humorist. I miss him.
I didn’t write half of these.
Floating around the Internet these days, posted and e-mailed back and forth, are a number of writings attributed to me, and I want people to know they’re not mine. Don’t blame me.
Some are essay-length, some are just short lists of one and two-line jokes, but if they’re flyin’ around the Internet, they’re probably not mine. Occasionally, a couple of jokes on a long list might have come from me, but not often. And because most of this stuff is really lame, it’s embarrassing to see my name on it.
And that’s the problem. I want people to know that I take care with my writing, and try to keep my standards high. But most of this “humor” on the Internet is just plain stupid. I guess hard-core fans who follow my stuff closely would be able to spot the fake stuff, because the tone of voice is so different. But a casual fan has no way of knowing, and it bothers me that some people might believe I’d actually be capable of writing some of this stuff.
This list is no exception, I didn’t write half of it, if that.
I agree with Mr. Carlin, having had to deal with this problem myself to some degree. Sometimes, a person comes up with something they think is roaringly funny, but (and with good reason, might I add), are reluctant to put their own seal to it. They therefore instead affix a celebrity’s name; that way if the joke falls flat on its face, the fault is the celebrity’s, not their own.
As to my own unfortunate case…
Many of you know W.C. Fields, if not for his work, then for a single quotation most often attributed to him. And this is it:
“Any man who hates dogs and babies can’t be all that bad.”
And I agree. For you see, it is I who said it, at a roast in his honor. For a brief second, I was the star of the night. Imagine my later chagrin when I discovered men on the street talking about “that absolute card” W.C. Fields and misquoting my little gem with great, undeserved aplomb.
Be warned, would-be writers! A mere slip of the tongue can reduce the night of your greatest triumph to a life of dismay.
HEre’s another one from the great G.
“In certain society it is perfectly ok to prick your finger but not to finger your prick:
hahhah
“Some things, you’ll just never see, like a man taking a shit while running at full speed”!!!
G Carlin.
George Carlin had this to say about the saying “the greatest thing since sliced bread”: So this is it, huh folks. The pyramids for christ sakes! The Panama Canal, the GReat wall of CHina, even a lava lamp, to me is greater than sliced bread.What’s so great about it? you got a knife and a loaf of bread. SLICE THE F***ING THING!!!!
“If 3 out of 4 people suffer from Diarrhea, does the 4th person enjoy it?”
I would like to know how the one that claims to be George Carlin wrote a comment on Sept 14 2008 when he passed away on March 22 2008?
yes DJ…Carlin wrote it from the “after life”…
george carlin once said that death is caused by swallowing small amouts of saliva after a long peroid of time. this may seem kinda strange but i am only 15 years old and i love to her his jokes and learn about him i think that he is a funny man