(Almost) 50 Great “Georgisms” – George Carlin Jokes

Quite possibly the funniest man who ever lived (RIP), he’s a great comic for those who love the philosophy of hypocrisy and ambiguity. Here are a few of his jokes, or quotes, things he said… whatever. You know what I mean. How about we just call them “Georgeisms?”

  1. If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
  2. If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
  3. The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
  4. I went to a bookstore and asked the sales woman, “Where’s the self-help section?” She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
  5. If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him… is he still wrong?
  6. Is there another word for synonym?
  7. Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice?”
  8. Where do forest rangers go to “get away from it all?”
  9. What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
  10. Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
  11. Is it true that cannibals don’t eat clowns because they taste funny?
  12. What was the best thing before sliced bread?
  13. Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
  14. If a turtle doesn’t have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
  15. Why don’t sheep shrink when it rains?
  16. Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
  17. If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
  18. If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?
  19. Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?
  20. How do blind people know when they are done wiping?
  21. How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
  22. One nice thing about egotists: they don’t talk about other people.
  23. To be intoxicated is to feel sophisticated, but not be able to say it.
  24. Procrastination is the art of keeping up with yesterday.
  25. Women like silent men, they think they’re listening.
  26. Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.
  27. The older you get, the better you realize you were.
  28. Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
  29. Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.
  30. One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
  31. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
  32. Could it be that all those trick-or-treaters wearing sheets aren’t going as ghosts, but as mattresses?
  33. If a mute swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
  34. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
  35. If you ate pasta and antipasta, would you still be hungry?
  36. If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
  37. Why is it called tourist season if we can’t shoot at them?
  38. Do pediatricians play miniature golf on Wednesdays?
  39. Before they invented drawing boards, what did they go back to?
  40. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
  41. If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?
  42. If God dropped acid, would he see people?
  43. If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too?
  44. If the #2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still #2?
  45. Men are from Earth, women are from Earth. Deal with it.
  46. If work is so terrific, how come they have to pay you to do it?

Let’s take a moment to savor this great Carlin skit… emmmmmm… ahhhhhhh. R.I.P. If you loved listening to the ramblings of this funny man, gimme a hell yea. And add your own favorite George Carlin one-liners in the comments section. C’mon, anotherĀ 4 and we’ll hit 50!


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