Funny Quotes

How about some funny quotes from some famous people? What’s your favorite? Do you have more to add? Post them in the comments section!

  • Sometimes, when I look at my children, I say to myself, “Lillian, you should have remained a virgin.” - Lillian Carter (mother of Jimmy Carter)
  • I had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalog: “No good in a bed, but fine against a wall.” - Eleanor Roosevelt
  • Last week, I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen. I have since been visited by her sister, and now wish to withdraw that statement. - Mark Twain
  • By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you’ll become happy; if you get a bad one, you’ll become a philosopher. - Socrates
  • I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury. - Groucho Marx
  • My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe. - Jimmy Durante
  • I have never hated a man enough to give his diamonds back. - Zsa Zsa Gabor
  • My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people would stop dying. - Ed Furgol
  • Money can’t buy you happiness… but it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery. - Spike Milligan
  • What’s the use of happiness? It can’t buy you money. - Henny Young
  • Until I was thirteen, I thought my name was shut up. - Joe Namath
  • Youth would be an ideal state if it came a little later in life. - Herbert Henry Asquith
  • I don’t feel old. I don’t feel anything until noon. Then it’s time for my nap. - Bob Hope
  • We could certainly slow the aging process down if it had to work its way through Congress. - Will Rogers
  • Don’t worry about avoiding temptation… as you grow older, it will avoid you. - Winston Churchill
  • By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he’s too old to go anywhere. - Billy Crystal

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