Funny and Jokes

Obsessed Mothers And Their Children

F&J Staff — Sun, 11 May 2008 15:11:58 +0000

A psychiatrist was conducting group therapy with four young mothers and their small children. “You all have obsessions,” the doctor observed.

To the 1st mother, he said, “You are obsessed with eating. You’ve even named your daughter Candy.” He looks to the 2nd mother, “Your obsession is with money. Again, it manifests itself in your child’s name, Penny.” He looks to the 3rd mother. “Your obsession is alcohol. This manifests itself in your child’s name, Brandy.”

At this point, the 4th mother gets up, takes her little boy by the hand and says… “Come on, Dick, we’re leaving!”

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And God Said “Let There Be Bridge”

F&J Staff — Sun, 11 May 2008 15:09:02 +0000

A biker was riding along a California beach when suddenly the sky clouded above his head and, in a booming voice, the Lord said, “Because you have TRIED to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish.” The biker pulled over and said, “Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can ride over anytime I want.”

The Lord said, “Your request is materialistic. Think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking. The supports required to reach the bottom of the Pacific! The concrete and steel it would take! It will nearly exhaust several natural resources. I can do it, but it is hard for Me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of something that could possibly help mankind.”

The biker thought about it for a long time Finally he said, “Lord, I wish that I and all men could understand our wives. I want to know how she feels inside, what she’s thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says nothing’s wrong, and how I can make a woman truly happy.”

The Lord replied, “You want two lanes or four on that bridge?.”

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Amazing Story Of Man and Elephant

F&J Staff — Fri, 09 May 2008 14:10:54 +0000

In 1988, Steve Jennings was on vacation in Australia after graduating from Southeastern University. During a hike through the Outback, he came across a young elephant standing with one leg raised in the air as if it was in pain.

The elephant seemed distressed, so Steve approached it very carefully. He got down on one knee and inspected the elephant’s foot and found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it. As carefully and as gently as he could, Steve worked the wood out with his hunting knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot.

The elephant turned to face the man and, with a rather curious look on its face, stared at him for several tense moments. Steve stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled. Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned, and walked away. Steve never forgot that elephant or the events of that day.

Twenty years later, Steve was walking through the Atlanta Zoo with his teenaged son. As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to near where Steve and his son Nicolas were standing. The large elephant stared at Steve, lifted its front foot off the ground, then put it down. The elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man.

Remembering the encounter in 1988, Steve couldn’t help wondering if this was the same elephant. Steve summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing and made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder.

The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of Steve’s legs and slammed his dumb ass against the railing, killing him instantly.

Probably wasn’t the same elephant.

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Dead Presidents

F&J Staff — Mon, 14 Apr 2008 16:46:04 +0000

George W. Bush, distraught over his worsening approval rating, was jogging through Washington in search of inspiration. Taking a break upon reaching the Washington Monument, he looks up for guidance and says, “George, you were one of our greatest Presidents, what should I do?”

Suddenly, a voice is heard from above. George Washington says to George W, “Abolish the I.R.S. and start over.”

George W, amazed that he’s actually talking to a past President, continues his job and this time stops at the Jefferson Memorial. Uttering a similar question to Thomas Jefferson, America’s author of the Declaration of Independence and one of its great early philosophers, he asks “Thomas, you’ve never had these kinds of problems. What can I do to rally people behind me?” Again a voice from above answers, “Welfare is not working, abolish it and start over.”

Upon hearing such great advice, George gets excited and plans on going to all the historical sites for guidance. Next stop is the Lincoln Memorial to see President Abraham Lincoln, who met his untimely death after winning the Civil War and keeping the country unified. “Abe, I need your help, people are losing confidence in me and they no longer trust me. What should I do?” After a substantial pause Abe replies, “Take the day off George. Go the the theatre.”

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It’s The Dog’s Fault, I Swear!

F&J Staff — Fri, 11 Apr 2008 15:26:55 +0000

A young man has a great date planned with a hot chick, unfortunately he’s also got a bad case of gas. Upon arriving at the girl’s house to pick her up, he meets the parents and waits for her in the living room while she finishes getting ready.

At this point his stomach is turning and he’s doing the best he can to hold his gas. This is some serious stuff too, beer and beef burrito farts - the stuff dreams are made of. Luckily, just before he was about to explode Spot, the family dog, jumps on his lap as he sits on the couch. He figures it’s safe to let out alittle bit of the pressure and and if anyone notices they’ll think that the dog did it.

He farts, and the woman yells, “Spot, get down from there.” The guy thinks to himself, “Thank God! They think the dog did it.” Seizing the opportunity, he lets out another fart and the woman, again, yells for the dog to get down.

This goes on for a few more farts when, finally, the woman yells loudly, “Dammit Spot, get down before he shits on you!”

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Top 10 Acronyms For P.M.S.

F&J Staff — Thu, 03 Apr 2008 20:35:21 +0000

Through my 27 years of infinate wisdom (my parents always said I was a smart-ass), I’ve learned a few things. Women, yea I consider myself an expert in the female area if you know what I mean (wink) - and the most important thing I’ve learned is to stay away from a woman on her PMS days. In fact, I’ve put together a few acronyms (abbreviations) based on my experience with the syndrome.

At any rate, my top 10 Acronyms For Women During P.M.S.

Psychotic Mood Shift
Puffy Mid-Section
People Make me Sick
Pimples May Surface
Pass My Sweatpants
Perpetual Munching Spree
Pass My Shotgun
Pissy Mood Syndrome
Potential Murder Suspect
Pack My Sh*t

Now I’m not a doctor, but I did stay at a Holiday Inn Express last night (with a woman, wink).

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So You Want A Day Off?

F&J Staff — Thu, 03 Apr 2008 20:27:20 +0000

So you want a day off huh? Well, let’s just take a look at what you’re asking for ok?

There are 365 days per year, making that 52 weeks. You already have 2 days off per week, leaving just 261 days available for work. Since you already spend 16 hours each day away from work you’ve used up 170 days, leaving only 91 days left to work. You spend 30 minutes each day on coffee breaks which accounts for 23 days each year, now leaving only 68 days available. With a 1 hour lunch break each day, you used up another 46 days, leaving only 22 days available for work. You normally spend 2 days per year on sick leave, leaving you only 20 days per year available for work. We are off 5 holidays per year, so your available working time is down to 15 days.

Look, we generously give 14 days vacation per year which leaves only 1 day available for work and I’ll be damned if you’re gonna take that day off!

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Stranded Sailors

F&J Staff — Tue, 01 Apr 2008 20:35:07 +0000

Now, I’m thankful for the service of our Armed Forces, God Bless the men and women in the Army, Air Force, Marines and Navy. Oh yea, speaking of Navy - one of my friends is a sailor - boy do I know why they’ve got a rep for having bad mouths, hehe. Seriously though, when this joke was sent in I thought of him. Bacon. Yea, what a nickname…

A ship with 30 sailors and one woman sinks just off shore of a deserted island.

After being stranded for one month, the woman says “I can not proceed in this manner,” and commits suicide.

One month later, the sailors say “We can not proceed in this manner,” and they bury the woman.

After another month, the sailors say “We can not proceed in this manner,” and they dig up the woman.

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A Witty Young Trial Lawyer

F&J Staff — Fri, 28 Mar 2008 15:17:19 +0000

A young trial lawyer was defending a man accused of burglary, known for being witty (and the judge knows this) tried yet another one of his creative defenses. The judge, while not known for having a sense of humor, decided to here the young lawyer out.

“While my client admits he did, in fact, reach his arm into the window and removed a few trifling articles. However his arm is not himself, and I fail to see how you can punish the whole individual for an offense committed by just his limb.”

“Well put,” the judge replied. “Using your logic, I sentence the defendant’s arm to one year’s imprisonment. He can accompany it or not, as he so chooses.”

The defendant smiled. With his lawyer’s assistance he detached his artificial limb, laid it on the bench, and walked out.

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Golfing With A Hitman

F&J Staff — Tue, 25 Mar 2008 11:11:05 +0000

Three friends were playing golf one beautiful Sunday morning, as usual, and they never missed a weekend. As one of them was about to take the first tee a guy, by himself, asked if he could join their flight. The friends looked at each other and figured “sure, why not,” as they haven’t played with anyone else in quite some time.

So they teed off and all four were getting along pretty well. Right about the turn, on the 9th hole, they were all chit chatting and getting to know one another. Curious, one of the friends asked the new guy what he did for a living and, funny enough, he told them he was a hitman. They all kind of laughed it off, and asked him again - this time seriously.

The stranger said “No really, I’m hitman. My gun is in my golf bag, I carry it everywhere I go. You can take a look if you don’t believe me, I’ve never been dishonest.”

So one of the guys in the group decided to take him up on the offer and, opening the bag, sure enough revealed a really nice rifle with huge scope mounted at the top. He got all excited about it. He said “WOW! I bet I can see my house through here! May I look through it?”

“Sure,” said the stranger.

So the man looked around for a second and said “HELL YEAH! You can! I can even see through my windows into my bedroom. There’s my wife, naked. Sweet! Isn’t she beautiful? WAIT! There’s my next door neighbor! He’s naked too! And he’s in my room!”

This upset the golfer, terribly, so he asked the hitman how much he would charge for a hit. The hit man replied “It’s $1000 every time I pull the trigger.” The man said “$1000, ouch! Well, OK. I want two hits. I want you to shoot my wife right in the mouth. She’s always nagging at me and I can’t stand it. Then I want you to shoot my neighbor right in the crotch, for screwing around with my wife.”

The hit man agrees, gears up and takes aim through the scope. He’s looking for what has to be 10 minutes. The golfer begins to get impatient and asks the hitman what he’s waiting for. The hitman replies kind of anxiously, “Just hold on a minute… I’m about to save you a thousand bucks!”

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