Dear Employees
So I'm at work yesterday and the mailclerk starts handing out letters from upper management. At this point, I'm thinking "Oh crap, how am I gonna tell my family I got laid off?" Fortunately, I'm only 29 years old. You'll understand when you read the letter.
Due to the current financial situation caused by the slowdown of economy, Management has decided to implement a scheme to put workers of 40 years of age and above on early retirement. This scheme will be known as RAPE (Retire Aged People Early).
Persons selected to be RAPED can apply to management to be eligible for the SHAFT scheme (Special Help After Forced Termination). Persons who have been RAPED and SHAFTED will be reviewed under the SCREW programme (Scheme Covering Retired Early Workers). A person may be RAPED once, SHAFTED twice and SCREWED as many times as Management deems appropriate.
Persons who have been RAPED can only get AIDS (Additional Income for Dependants & Spouse) or HERPES (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel Early Severance).
Obviously persons who have AIDS or HERPES will not be SHAFTED or SCREWED any further by Management.
Persons who are not RAPED and are staying on will receive as much SHIT (Special High Intensity Training) as possible. Management has always prided itself on the amount of SHIT it gives employees. Should you feel that you do not receive enough SHIT, please bring to the attention of your Manager. They have been trained to give you all the SHIT you can get.
Great, as if I didn't get enough shit already....
What'd You Think?
(481 votes, average: 4.46 out of 5)
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a bunch of sexually minded lunatics.
that was crap -_-
WTF????
a sure crazy one
that was soo funny i almost peed my pants
best joke ever!!
Lmao. HEhehehehehehehehe. That was so funny. darn how do these people come up with these things… OMG hehehe
Dry.
dat was gr8
Now that right there if funny stuff
I lol’d.
That was real funny…the best one i’ve read today.
loved it
Funny.Loved it!!!
LOVE IT!
yebo!
..Damn thats funny. Tjo….
acronym FAIL
haha wow… not the funniest… but still worth reading.
thats realy funny but,u need to stop doin gay things
lol thats funny :]
…that’s about the way it really is anymore…
Lol! WoW what a genuis management!! hehehehehe
what is the marter with you lots…? i think is is funy no?
Real funny stuff gr8 LMAO…………….
That’s one of my favorite jokes ever! A shame it’s long and you can’t quite tell it by heart, but still – it’s TWO THUMBS UP!!
LOL IM GONNA GAY YOU UPSIDE THE FACE
this is cool, u r the king of jokes
really stupid.
HAHAHAHA…. tooo long though. Couldn’t be memorizin this and tellin’ my friends.
this was the best lol very funny
Nice one,enjoyed reading it.
It was a nice joke pse send it to my email
not bad it made me laugh
Thats so funny i started lol’ing in class
I’ve heard many jokes like this one.. but this was the funny-est..lol
The best joke ever XD
that was creative and intelligent. gud one
You will experience great sex within four days of receiving this letter, provided you pass it on (use the “Email This To A Friend or Social Bookmark It!” above or post a link on your favorite message board or blog). Since the copy must tour the world, you must make ten copies and send them to others. This is no joke. Send no money. Send copies to people who need to get laid within 96 hours. Don’t believe this is serious business? Read some of these true stories:
After he passed this letter on, a Montana Spinach Control Officer got his penis stuck in a cow-milking machine and had the longest series of orgasms of his life.
John Elliot tried to pick up a prostitute, but, because he broke the chain, was picked up by the police instead. When they searched his home, they found magazines of little boys which they showed to his neighbors.
In a suburb of Paris, Don Loray’s trousers were ripped by an unsatisfied erection, 51 days after failing to circulate the letter. However, before this happened, a condom machine gave him three condoms for the price of one. (was this the consolation prize?)
Do note the following: Hebert Pudstrom received the chain in 1953. He asked his secretary to make ten copies and send them out. A few days later he encountered her in a red-light district making more than he had ever paid her at work.
General George Patton, who sent the letter on, saw what he thought was a quarter in the street. When he bent down to pick it up, a beautiful woman in a miniskirt walked by, and he got a great view.
Heywood Daddit, an unemployed chicken choker, received the letter and forgot that it had to leave his hands within 96 hours. His wife then went bowling with his best friend and never returned. Later, after finding the letter again, he mailed ten copies. A few days later he got a wife and discovered that his old wife, who he thought was wonderful, had made love to him like a dead salmon for all these years!
Alan Fairchild received the letter and, not believing, threw the letter away. Nine days later he spilled hot coffee in his crotch.
In 1987 the letter received by a young woman in Texas was faded and barely readable, so she did not realize that this paragraph applied to her. She promised herself she would retype the letter and send it on, but she put it aside to do later. She was plagued with problems including herpes and other venereal diseases she contracted in her futile attempts to find Mr. Right in a singles bar. The letter did not leave her hands in 96 hours. She finally typed the letter and found a man with a 10-inch penis.
Beware, however of the fate of the E-mail user at Trent University, Peterborough, ONT, that sent this letter to himself over five thousand times in one afternoon. Before leaving the computer lab a strange woman came up behind him, bit his ear and put her hand down his pants. The ensuing surprise caused him to stumble forward and cry out. As he attempted to arrest his fall by grabbing a nearby PC, a gob of spittle that had been flung from his mouth (as he cried out) landed deep into the inner recesses of the computer, all three (student, strange woman and computer) then experienced simultaneous Cyber-Orgasms of exponential intensity before exploding in a puff of smoking data.
You must distribute at least ten copies within 96 hours of receiving this letter. Those who do will find their love lives more fulfilling. Those who do not will be doomed to one-night stands with mechanical devices. Your immediate attention is urged!
lol there’s a lot of perverts out there.
i started to cry laughing this is the best joke EVER
This is hilarious! all the people who said it was dumb need to chill out and learn how to enjoy life, for real people! GREAT POST
Any one who laughs at this is stupid i sounds to me they trying to make fun of or make RAPE sound funny. well its not funny you alll can go to hell for laughing
This is f#@kry.