Top 3 Selling Points Of The Japanese Snuggie

There's an interview with the inventor on the sales page, where he saysthere were three problems with other sleeping bags which led him to invent his own:

1. You can't get the things you need without leaving your sleeping bag.
2. You can't stand up and run away when attacked by a bear.
3. You can't turn around in your sleep, can't bend the wall of the sleeping bag, and they were constrictive.

I have a question though, about number two. Bears can run over 30 mph, does the sleeping bag have bionic speed capabilites? If so, that's cool. Or maybe, like the old addage says, "you don't have to outrun the bear, just the guy in the regular sleeping bag."

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Love him or hate him, he passed away on June 25, 2009 at the age of 50 amid loads of speculation and rumors. His untimely death created alot of buzz and alot of new jokes, even if they're not always in the best taste. He touched so many people (small children too) is so many ways. You know, I didn't really feel anything myself, but I guess that's because he never touched me when I was younger. Hell, we're a jokes site... so we're not gonna let that little PSA ruin our mood, so about a few more jokes to kick things off in the right direction again:

Michael Jackson Death Jokes

• Since Michael Jackson is 99% plastic, they are going to melt him down and turn him into lego blocks so that little kids can play with him for a change. (most popular of them all)
• Update - Michael Jackson apparently didn't die of a cardiac arrest, he was in the children's ward having a stroke. (eww)
• Paramedics at the scene report that Michael Jackson never got his colour back. (that's kinda low)
• At the autopsy they found children’s underwear strapped to Michael Jackson’s upper arm. According to his doctors it is just a patch, he’s been trying to quit for a while. (sounds like Leno)
• Michael Jackson’s death is only a PR stunt. At the funeral he will jump out of the coffin and sing thriller. (we can only hope)

Oh, and PS - if you're just here to complain about MJ related humor because of his death, you'd probably be better of finding a site dedicated to his memory and greatness... not a humor website.

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At any rate, here is the official F&J top 10:

1. "Something is wrong here: War, disease, death, destruction, hunger, filth, poverty, torture, crime, corruption and the Ice Capades. Something is definitely wrong. This is not good work. If this is the best God can do, I am not impressed. Results like these do not belong on the resume of a supreme being. This is the kinda (expletive) you'd expect from an office temp with a bad attitude."
2. "I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me - they're cramming for their final exam."
3. "Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?"
4. "Well, if crime fighters fight crime and fire fighters fight fire, what do freedom fighters fight? They never mention that part to us, do they?"
5. "I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose."
6. "Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?"
7. "Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that." (my personal favorite)
8. "How come when it's us it's 'an abortion,' but when it's a chicken it's an omelet?"
9. "The best thing about getting old is you're not responsible for remembering things anymore. Even important things. 'But it was your daughter's funeral.' 'I forgot!' You can even make believe you have Alzheimer's disease. It's a lot of fun. You can look around the dining room table and say, 'Who are you people and where is my horse?'
10. "Religion has convinced people that there’s an invisible man… living in the sky, who watches everything you do every minute of every day. And the invisible man has a list of ten specific things he doesn’t want you to do. And if you do any of these things, he will send you to a special place, of burning and fire and smoke and torture and anguish for you to live forever, and suffer and burn and scream until the end of time. But he loves you. He loves you and he needs money."

His attitude towards religion, politics and stupidity strike me as genious. Agree or disagree? Post in the comments, along with your favorite Carlin quotes.

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I voted Democrat because I believe oil companies' profits of 4% on a gallon of gas are obscene but the government taxing the same gallon of gas at 18% isn't.

I voted Democrat because I'm not concerned about the slaughter of millions of babies so long as we keep all death row inmates alive.

I voted Democrat because freedom of speech is fine as long as nobody is offended by it.

I voted Democrat because I believe that people who can't tell us if it will rain on Friday can tell us that the polar ice caps will melt away in ten years if I don't start driving a Prius.

I voted Democrat because when we pull out of Iraq I trust that the bad guys will stop what they're doing, because they now think we're good people.

I voted Democrat because I believe liberal judges need to rewrite the Constitution every few days to suit some fringe kooks who would never get their agendas past the voters.

I voted Democrat because I believe the government will do a better job of spending the money I earn than I would.

I voted Democrat because I'm way too irresponsible to own a gun, and I know that my local police are all I need to protect me from murderers and thieves.

I voted Democrat because my head is so firmly planted up my ass that it is unlikely that I'll ever have another point of view.

A Liberal is a person who will give away everything they don't own." Ron, the Gregarious Hermit.

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• The first four men (the poorest) would pay nothing.
• The fifth would pay $1.
• The sixth would pay $3.
• The seventh would pay $7.
• The eighth would pay $12.
• The ninth would pay $18.
• The tenth man (the richest) would pay $59.

So, that's what they decided to do. The ten men drank in the bar every day and seemed quite happy with the arrangement, until one day, the owner threw them a curve. "Since you are all such good customers," he said, "I'm going to reduce the cost of your daily beer by $20."

Drinks for the ten now cost just $80

The group still wanted to pay their bill the way we pay our taxes so the first four men were unaffected. They would still drink for free. But what about the other six men - the paying customers? How could they divide the $20 windfall so that everyone would get his 'fair share?'

They realized that $20 divided by six is $3.33. But if they subtracted that from everybody's share, then the fifth man and the sixth man would each end up being paid to drink his beer. So, the bar owner suggested that it would be fair to reduce each man's bill by roughly the same amount, and he proceeded to work out the amounts each should pay! And so...

• The fifth man, like the first four, now paid nothing (100% savings).
• The sixth now paid $2 instead of $3 (33%savings).
• The seventh now paid $5 instead of $7 (28%savings).
• The eighth now paid $9 instead of $12 (25% savings).
• The ninth now paid $14 instead of $18 (22% savings).
• The tenth now paid $49 instead of $59 (16% savings).

Each of the six was better off than before. And the first four continued to drink for free. But once outside the restaurant, the men began to compare their savings.

"I only got a dollar out of the $20," declared the sixth man. He pointed to the tenth man, "but he got $10!"

"Yeah, that's right," exclaimed the fifth man. "I only saved a dollar, too. It's unfair that he got ten times more than I!"

"That's true!" shouted the seventh man. "Why should he get $10 back when I got only two? The wealthy get all the breaks!"

"Wait a minute," yelled the first four men in unison. "We didn't get anything at all. The system exploits the poor!" The nine men surrounded the tenth and beat him up.

The next night the tenth man didn't show up for drinks, so the nine sat down and had beers without him. But when it came time to pay the bill, they discovered something important. They didn't have enough money between all of them for even half of the bill!

And that, boys and girls, journalists and college professors, is how our tax system works. The people who pay the highest taxes get the most benefit from a tax reduction. Tax them too much, attack them for being wealthy, and they just may not show up anymore. In fact, they might start drinking overseas where the atmosphere is somewhat friendlier.

David R. Kamerschen, Ph.D.
Professor of Economics, University of Georgia

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• "In the beginning there was nothing. God said, 'Let there be light!' And there was light. There was still nothing, but you could see it a whole lot better."
• "Normal is getting dressed in clothes that you buy for work and driving through traffic in a car that you are still paying for - in order to get to the job you need to pay for the clothes and the car, and the house you leave vacant all day so you can afford to live in it."
• "Procrastination isn't the problem, it's the solution. So procrastinate now, don't put it off."
• "I'm a godmother, that's a great thing to be, a godmother. She calls me god for short, that's cute, I taught her that."
• "I think they should have a Barbie with a buzz cut."
• "I gotta work out. I keep saying it all the time. I keep saying I gotta start working out. It's been about two months since I've worked out. And I just don't have the time. Which uh..is odd. Because I have the time to go out to dinner. And uh..and watch tv. And get a bone density test. And uh.. try to figure out what my phone number spells in words."
• "I was coming home from kindergarten - well they told me it was kindergarten. I found out later I had been working in a factory for ten years. It's good for a kid to know how to make gloves."
• "People always ask me, 'Were you funny as a child?' Well, no, I was an accountant."
• "The sixties were when hallucinogentic drugs were really, really big. And I don't think it's a coincidence that we had the type of shows we had then, like The Flying Nun."
• "I ask people why they have deer heads on their walls. They always say because it's such a beautiful animal. There you go. I think my mother is attractive, but I have photographs of her."
• "Stuffed deer heads on walls are bad enough, but it's worse when they are wearing dark glasses and have streamers in their antlers because then you know they were enjoying themselves at a party when they were shot."
• "Yeah I'm thirty-six, but on the show I'm thirty-two. Nobody wants to watch a thirty-six year old woman, so they decided to make me thirty-two. Much more appealing somehow."
• "You have to stay in shape. My grandmother, she started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 today and we don't know where the hell she is."

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The first kid leans over and asks, 'What are you in here for?'

The second kid says, 'I'm in here to get my tonsils out and I'm a little nervous.'

The first kid says, 'You've got nothing to worry about. I had that done when I was four. They put you to sleep, and when you wake up they give you lots of Jell-O and ice cream. It's a breeze.'

The second kid then asks, 'What are you here for?' The first kid says, 'A circumcision.'

The second kid replies, 'Whoa, good luck buddy. I had that done when I was born. Couldn't walk for a year.'

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For Rapper Wannabe's - avoid having to say "know what I'm sayin" all the time by actually speaking clearly in the first place.

Burglars - when running from the police, stick your right arm out and wrap an infant's matress around it with duct tape. That'll help incase they send the dogs after you.

Drivers - if a car breaks down or stalls in front of you, be sure to honk your horn and wave your arms out the window uncontrollably. This should help the car start and send it on it's way.

Blind People - at least give yourself a chance to see by not wearing heavy dark glasses all the time.

Accountants - don't waste all your money on overpriced paper shredders. Just place a bucket of diarrhoea on top of all those credit card statements. If they want it that bad then they deserve it.

Depressed People - instead of attempting suicide as a "cry for help", instead consider crying "help." It might just save your life.

McDonald's - why don't you start thinking about the environment for a change? Why don't you make all your paper sacks you put food in green, that way they blend into the countryside after their thrown out the car window.

Women - don't waste your time faking orgasms. Men could couldn't care less. Besides, you could use that wasted energy to vacuum the house later.

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The school is being sued because it implemented a policy that parents be responsible for their children's absences and missing homework. This caused great grief and, as a last resort, the school staff voted unanimously to record this message on their school telephone answering machine.  This is the actual answering machine message for the school.

The High School's Answering Machine Message

Hello! You have reached the automated answering service of your school. In order to assist you in connecting to the right staff member, please listen to all the options before making a selection:

If you realize this is the real world and your child must be accountable and responsible for his/her own behavior, class work, homework and that it's not the teachers' fault for your child's lack of effort: Hang up and have a nice day!

If you want this in Spanish, move to a country that speaks it!

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1. If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
2. If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
3. The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
4. I went to a bookstore and asked the sales woman, "Where's the self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
5. If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him... is he still wrong?
6. Is there another word for synonym?
7. Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice?"
8. Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all?"
9. What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
10. Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
11. Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?
12. What was the best thing before sliced bread?
13. Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
14. If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
15. Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?
16. Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
17. If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
18. If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?
19. Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?
20. How do blind people know when they are done wiping?
21. How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
22. One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people.
23. To be intoxicated is to feel sophisticated, but not be able to say it.
24. Procrastination is the art of keeping up with yesterday.
25. Women like silent men, they think they're listening.
26. Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.
27. The older you get, the better you realize you were.
28. Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
29. Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.
30. One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
31. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
32. Could it be that all those trick-or-treaters wearing sheets aren't going as ghosts, but as mattresses?
33. If a mute swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
34. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
35. If you ate pasta and antipasta, would you still be hungry?
36. If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
37. Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them?
38. Do pediatricians play miniature golf on Wednesdays?
39. Before they invented drawing boards, what did they go back to?
40. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
41. If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?
42. If God dropped acid, would he see people?
43. If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too?
44. If the #2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still #2?
45. Men are from Earth, women are from Earth. Deal with it.
46. If work is so terrific, how come they have to pay you to do it?

Let's take a moment to savor this great Carlin skit... emmmmmm... ahhhhhhh. R.I.P. If you loved listening to the ramblings of this funny man, gimme a hell yea. And add your own favorite George Carlin one-liners in the comments section. C'mon, another 4 and we'll hit 50!

This joke provided courtesy of FunnyandJokes.com, all rights reserved.

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