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Tiger Woods Crash Jokes

F&J Staff — Fri, 04 Dec 2009 14:50:47 +0000

Call us opportunists, but we've just got to jump on the Tiger Woods jokes bandwagon. At the time of this post, there's a media storm surrounding Tiger and his "transgressions." We're here to shamelessly capitalize on that.

Look, I'm a golf fan and of all golfers - Woods is perhaps the guy I have had the most respect for. His work ethic is impeccable and he's made it to where he is today because of his determiniation and intelligence. But enough about that, let's get right to the crash jokes.

Best Tiger Woods Crash Jokes

When asked by the police how many times she hit Tiger, Elin replied "I'm not sure, put me down for a 5"
I think Tiger needs a new driver, his current shaft keeps getting him in trouble!
I read that the PGA are now investigating Tiger for having too many "woodies" in his bag!
Tiger and Elin will get back together because she is already hitting on him.
After scoring a couple of beautiful birdies earlier on, Tiger finds himself in serious trouble at the last hole, coming home.
Did Elin use a "rescue club" to extract him from the Escalade?
Tiger was found exactly two club lengths from his car due to a lost ball penalty - if the cops would have arrived a minute later he'd have lost the other one as well.
Tiger Woods wasn't seriously injured in the crash, but he's still below par.
What were Tiger Woods and his wife doing out at 2.30 in the morning? They went clubbing.
Tiger Woods crashed into a fire hydrant and a tree. He couldn’t decide between a wood and an iron.
Tiger's tip for wayward golfers: never ask your wife to keep track of your balls.
I always knew Woods was a better putter than driver.
Tiger Woods is so rich that he owns lots of expensive cars. Now he has a hole in one.
What's the difference between a car and a golf ball? Tiger can drive a ball 300 yards.
If Elin really did whack Tiger a couple of times with a golf club, it would have been in line with the rules of golf: there's a 2-stroke penalty for playing the wrong hole.
Hey Adidas, this is Tiger, Nike found your number in my phone. I need you to change your name...

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Get Out Of The Car!

F&J Staff — Thu, 12 Feb 2009 14:44:22 +0000

Ok, close your eyes for a moment and put yourself right there - next to this little old lady who caught a few men during the act of stealing her car. "I have a gun, and I know how to use it! Get out of the car!" This supposedly actually happened, and the story was published in a Sarasota, Florida newspaper.

Fortunately the story doesn't have a tragic ending, which makes the entire ordeal hilariously funny. I can't stop laughing, reminds me of the old Police Acadamy movies, remember those?

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Lance Armstrong Finally Busted

F&J Staff — Fri, 17 Oct 2008 21:30:07 +0000

Apparently the constant witch hunts over the years by the French has paid off. They've been trying to prove Lance Armstrong used illegal substances to win the Tour de France, and they finally have him.

A leading French newspaper stated today that they found THREE banned substances in his hotel room. They were deodorant, toothpaste, and soap...

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LoL’ers – Dude Arrested For Farting On Cop

F&J Staff — Fri, 26 Sep 2008 13:44:28 +0000

Just a few hours ago we learned 34 year old Jose Cruz, of Charleston, West Virginia was accused of "passing gas and fanning it toward a police officer." He was charged with battery. I'm not joking, you can't make this stuff up.

Seems Mr. Cruz had alittle too much to drink (wait, is there such this as "too much?") and was pulled over by a patrolman. THe took him to the police station and, while there, cranked out a monster fart and wafted it at the police officer holding him in custody. Tag, you're it!

Fortunately for Cruz, a Magistrate judge dismissed the charges against him yesterday, his defense: I asked to go to the bathroom and they wouldn't let me! Hey - I used that line in high school! Never worked for me though.

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Department Of Wildlife Warning

F&J Staff — Thu, 18 Sep 2008 13:48:38 +0000

The Louisiana State Department of Fish and Wildlife is advising hikers, hunters, fishermen, and golfers to take extra precautions and keep alert for alligators while in St. Tammany, Jefferson & Orleans Parish.

They advise people to wear noise-producing devices such as "little bells" on their clothing to alert, but not startle the alligators, unexpectedly. They also advise the carrying of "pepper spray" in case of an encounter with an alligator.

It's also a good idea to watch for fresh signs of alligator activity and be able to recognize the difference between young alligator and adult alligator droppings. Young alligator droppings are small, contain fish bones and possibly bird feathers. Adult alligators droppings have little bells in them and smell like pepper.

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Safer Parking Lots For Women

F&J Staff — Sat, 29 Dec 2007 14:35:59 +0000

With the increasinly high rate of attacks on women in secluded parking lots recently, especially during evening hours, the Minneapolis City Council has established a 'Women Only' parking lot at the Mall of America.

Even the parking lot attendants are exclusively female so that a comfortable and safe environment is created for patrons. Below is the first picture available of this world's first women-only parking lot...

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Tragic Local Courtroom Drama Plays Out In Omaha

F&J Staff — Thu, 27 Dec 2007 15:23:14 +0000

Omaha, NE (AP) -A seven-year old boy was at the center of a Douglas County courtroom drama yesterday when he challenged a court ruling over who should have custody of him.

The boy has a history of being beaten by his parents and the judge initially awarded custody to his aunt, in keeping with child custody law and regulation requiring that family unity be maintained to the highest degree possible.

The boy surprised the court when he proclaimed that his aunt beat him more than his parents and he adamantly refused to live with her. When the judge then suggested that he live with his grandparents, the boy cried and said that they also beat him.

After considering the remainder of the immediate family and learning that domestic violence was apparently a way of life among them, the judge took the unprecedented step of allowing the boy to propose who should have custody of him.

After two recesses to check legal references and confer with the child welfare officials, the judge granted temporary custody to the Nebraska Cornhuskers, whom the boy firmly believes are not capable of beating anyone.

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Wal-Mart Announces House Brand Wine

F&J Staff — Tue, 11 Dec 2007 22:00:49 +0000

Wal-Mart announced today that they'll soon be offering customers yet another new discount item, their own brand of wine. The world's largest retail chain is teaming up with E&J Gallo Winery of California to produce their spirits at an affordable price.

Wine connoisseurs may not be inclined to throw a bottle of Wal-Mart brand into their shopping carts, but "there is strong market demand for cheap wine", said Jane Weldon, professor of Wal-Mart's marketing division. "However," she added "Choosing the right names are important for building brandability and loyalty."

Customer surveys were conducted to determine the most attractive names for the Wal-Mart house brand wines. The top surveyed names in, order of popularity, include:

Chateau Traileur Parc

White Trashfindel

Peanut Noir

I Can't Believe It's Not Vinegar!

Grape Expectations

Nasti Spumante

Big Red Gulp

World Championship Riesling

NASCARbernet

Chef Boyardeaux

Pricing is expected to be in the $3-5 range and will be offered in the box and bottle. If production goes smoothly, expect to find Wal-Mart's self-branded wine on the shelves sometime next never.

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No Nativity Scene This Year

F&J Staff — Tue, 11 Dec 2007 21:36:11 +0000

This just in, hot off the presses. After a lengthy court battle and millions of dollars spent lobbying, the Supreme Court has ruled that there will not be a Nativity Scene in the United States capital this Christmas season.

Contrary to popular belief, this isn't for any religious reason. Congress simply has not been able to find three wise men and a virgin at the Nation's capitol.

There was no problem, however, finding enough asses to fill the stable.

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Recent NHTSA Study

F&J Staff — Sat, 03 Nov 2007 14:44:45 +0000

The National Highway Traffic Safety Administration (NHTSA) recently announced that, for the past three years, they jointly funded a project with two major US auto makers, Ford and Chevrolet, whereby the auto makers installed black boxes in all four wheel drive pickup trucks in an effort to determine, in fatal accidents, the circumstances in the last 10 seconds before a crash.

They were surprised to find in 45 of the 50 states that the last words of drivers in 63 percent of fatal crashes were, "Oh, Shit!" Only the states of Georgia, Mississippi, Louisiana, Alabama, and Tennessee were different - where over 89 percent of final words were: "Hey ya'll, hold my beer and watch this!"

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