You let your fourteen year old daughter smoke clove cigarettes at the dinner table in front of her kids.

You've got more than one brother named "Vlad".

You've got more than three cousins named "Lestat".

You think safe sex is padded handcuffs.

You've refused to watch the Academy Awards since "Bram Stoker's Dracula" was snubbed for Best Picture.

The Blue Book value of your hearse goes up and down depending on how much gas you have in it.

You think a seven course meal is six clove cigarettes and a bottle of absinthe.

One of your kids was born in a cemetery.

You have spray painted your girlfriend's name on a mausoleum.

Your lifetime goal is to raise a brood of vampire bats.

Your buckle boots weigh more than eight pounds each.

You think the three primary colors are: Black #1, Black #1 and Black #1

Your hearse has a two-tone paint job: Matte Black and Gloss Black

You can't get married to your sweetheart because there's a law against marrying the dead.

You refer to the day you won a case of black lipstick as, "The day your ship came in".

You have the number to the local blood bank on speed dial.

Your coffin used to be a meat freezer.

You do your serious Christmas shopping with a shovel in the cemetery.

You think that God looks a lot like Bela Lugosi and that Heaven looks a lot like Transylvania.

You have the words, "Good Evening", in your answering machine message.

You've ever named your child after a vampire.

You have more buckles on your clothes and boots than fingers and toes.

You have a Dracula Jell-O mold.

Your child's first words were: "I bid you welcome".

The fountain at your wedding spewed blood instead of champagne.

You wear fishnet stockings under your vinyl jeans.

Your deceased cat's tombstone is bigger than your grandfather's.

Your boots cost more than your wedding ring.

You proposed in a mortuary.

Your bridal veil was made out of fishnet.

You tell everyone your wife is the reincarnation of Elizabeth Bathory.

You tell your lover to scream like a staked vampire to start foreplay.

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"That's a good start I suppose. Those of you who believe in ghosts, how many have actually seen a ghost?" About 30 students raise their hands.

"That's good. I'm really glad you're taking this seriously. Ok, has anyone here ever talked to a ghost?" About a dozen students raise their hands.

"That's a great response. Has anyone ever touched a ghost?" Two students raise their hands. "That's fantastic. But let me ask you one last question... have any of you ever made love to a ghost?"

One student in the back raises his hand. The professor is astonished. He removes his glasses, takes a step back, and says, "Son, in all the years I've been giving this lecture, no one has ever actually claimed to have slept with a ghost. Why don't you come up here and tell us about it."

The redneck student replies with a nod and a grin, and begins to make his way up to the podium. The professor says, "Well, tell us what it's like to have sex with a ghost."

The student replies, "Ghost? Oh... I thought you said 'goats'!"

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• You take your dog for a walk and you both use the same tree.
• Your working TV sits on top of your non-working TV.
• Your property has been mistaken for a recycling center.
• You've been involved in a custody fight over a hunting dog.
• You burn your yard rather than mow it.
• You know how many bales of hay your car will hold.
• The Salvation Army declines your mattress.
• Your entire family sat around waiting for a call from the governor to spare a loved one.
• Your house doesn't have curtains but your truck does.
• You offer to give someone the shirt off your back and they don't want it.
• You have the local taxidermist on speed dial.
• You come back from the dump with more than you took.
• You keep a can of Raid on the kitchen table.
• A tornado hits your neighborhood and does $100,000 worth of home improvements.
• You've ever bathed with flea and tick soap.
• You use a rag for a gas cap on your pickup truck (or car).
• You've ever hit on somebody in a VD clinic.
• You can entertain yourself for more than an hour with a flyswatter.

Feel free to add your own in the comments below.  Don't be bashful!

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Now while this might impress some families, it irritated and upset his father. Pounding his fist on the table, he yells back "There's no way you'll marry that girl! If she ain't good enough for her own family, she ain't good enough for ours!"

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Wine connoisseurs may not be inclined to throw a bottle of Wal-Mart brand into their shopping carts, but "there is strong market demand for cheap wine", said Jane Weldon, professor of Wal-Mart's marketing division. "However," she added "Choosing the right names are important for building brandability and loyalty."

Customer surveys were conducted to determine the most attractive names for the Wal-Mart house brand wines. The top surveyed names in, order of popularity, include:

Pricing is expected to be in the $3-5 range and will be offered in the box and bottle. If production goes smoothly, expect to find Wal-Mart's self-branded wine on the shelves sometime next never.

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They were surprised to find in 45 of the 50 states that the last words of drivers in 63 percent of fatal crashes were, "Oh, Shit!" Only the states of Georgia, Mississippi, Louisiana, Alabama, and Tennessee were different - where over 89 percent of final words were: "Hey ya'll, hold my beer and watch this!"

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25. Get Your Tongue Outta My Mouth 'Cause I'm Kissing You Goodbye.
24. Her Teeth Was Stained, But Her Heart Were Pure.
23. How Can I Miss You If You Won't Go Away?
22. I Don't Know Whether To Kill Myself Or Go Bowling.
21. I Just Bought A Car From A Guy That Stole My Girl, But The Car Don't Run So I Figure We're Even.
20. I Keep Forgettin' I Forgot About You.
19. I Liked You Better Before I Knew You So Well.
18. I Still Miss You, Baby, But My Aim's Gettin' Better.
17. I Wouldn't Take Her To A Dog Fight, Cause I'm Afraid She'd Win.
16. I'll Marry You Tomorrow But Let's Honeymoon Tonight.
15. I'm So Miserable Without You, It's Like Having You Here
14. I've Got Tears In My Ears From Lyin' On My Back and Cryin' Over You.
13. If I Can't Be Number One In Your Life, Then Number Two On You.
12. If I Had Shot You When I Wanted To, I'd Be Out By Now.
11. Mama Get A Hammer (There's A Fly On Papa's Head).
10. My Head Hurts, My Feet Stink, And I Don't Love You.
9. My Wife Ran Off With My Best Friend And I Sure Do Miss Him.
8. Please Bypass This Heart.
7. She Got The Ring And I Got The Finger.
6. You Done Tore Out My Heart And Stomped That Sucker Flat.
5. You're The Reason Our Kids Are So Ugly.
4. If the Phone Don't Ring, You'll Know It's Me.
3. She's Actin' Single and I'm Drinkin' Doubles.
2. She's Looking Better After Every Beer.

And the Number 1 Country and Western song of all Time is...

1. I Haven't Gone To Bed With Any Ugly Women But I've Sure Woke Up With A Few.

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The boy asked, "Paw, What's 'at?"

The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, "Son, I dunno. I ain't never seen anything like that in my entire life, I ain't got no idea'r what it is."

While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old lady in a wheel chair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small circular numbers above the walls light up sequentially. They continued to watch until it reached the last number and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order. Then the walls opened up again and a gorgeous, voluptuous 24-year-old blonde woman stepped out.

The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his Son, "Boy, go git yo Momma..."

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Shortly thereafter he met a Redneck who had three stunning, gorgeous daughters that positively took his breath away. So he explained his mission to the Redneck and asked for permission to marry one of them.

"Well," the Redneck replied, "they're all lookin' to get married, so you came to the right place. Why don't you look 'em over and pick the one you want?"

The man was ecstatic, and decided to take each one out to dinner to size them all up. The first night he dated the first daughter. The next day the Redneck asked for the man's opinion.

"Well," said the man, "she's just a wee bit - not that you can hardly notice - pigeon-toed."

The Redneck nodded and suggested the man date one of the other girls; so the man went out with the second daughter.

The next day, the Redneck again asked how things went.

"Well," the man replied, "she's just a wee bit - not that you can hardly tell - crosseyed."

The Redneck nodded and suggested he date the third girl to see if things might be better. So he did.

The next morning the man rushed in exclaiming, "She's perfect, just perfect! She's the one I want to marry."

The redneck gave his blessing, so the couple was wed immediately. Months later their first baby was born. When the man visited the nursery he was horrified: the baby was the ugliest, most pathetic human you can imagine. He rushed to his father-in-law and asked how such a thing could happen considering the beauty of the parents.

"Well," explained the Redneck, "she was just a wee bit - not that you could hardly tell - pregnant when you met her."

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The rules of the contest required each finalist to compose a four-line poem in one minute or less, and the poem had to contain the word "Timbuktu".

The Duke graduate went first. About thirty seconds after the clock started he jumped up and recited the following poem:

Slowly across the desert sand Trekked the dusty caravan. Men on camels, two by two Destination-Timbuktu.

The audience went wild! How, they wondered, could the redneck top that?! The clock started again and the redneck sat in silent thought. Finally, in the last few seconds, he jumped and recited:

Tim and me, a-huntin' we went. Met three whores in a pop-up tent. They was three, we was two, So I bucked one and Timbuktu.

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