Upon inspecting the smoking engine, the Scot proclaims to the Eskimo, "I looks like you blew a seal!"

Abashed, the Eskimo replied, "Yeah! Well... you guys screw sheep!"

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Just as they were about to put the toe tag on the American, he awoke and opened his eyes. Astonished, the doctors and nurses asked him what had happened.

"Well," said the American, "I remember the crash, and then there was a bright white light, and then the Canadian and the Jew and I were standing at the pearly gates of heaven. St. Peter approached us and said that we were all too young to die, and that for a donation of $150 we could return to the earth."

He continued, " So of course, I pulled out my wallet and gave him the $150, and the next thing I knew I was back here."

"That's amazing!" said one of the doctors, "But what happened to the other two?"

"Last I saw them," replied the American, "the Jew was haggling over the price and the Canadian was waiting for the government to pay his."

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A leading French newspaper stated today that they found THREE banned substances in his hotel room. They were deodorant, toothpaste, and soap...

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Question and Answer French Jokes

Q: How do you say "Hello" in French?
A: I surrender!

Q. Why don't Master Card and Visa work well in France?
A. They do not know how to say "CHARGE!"

Q: How do you confuse a French Soldier?
A: Give him a rifle and ask him to shoot it.

Q: What's the motto of the US Marine Corps?
A: Semper Fi (Always Faithful)

Q: What's the motto of the French Army?
A: Stop, drop, and run!

Q. How many French soldiers does it take to defend Paris?
A. Don't know, it's never been tried.

Q. How do you introduce yourself in French?
A. "Don't shoot, I give up!"

Q: Why don't they have fireworks at Euro Disney?
A: Because every time they shoot them off, the French try to surrender.

Q: How can you identify a French Infantryman?
A: Sunburned armpits.

Q: Why do the French call their fighter the *Mirage*?
A: Because it doesn't really exist.

Q. What do you call 100,000 Frenchmen with their hands up?
A. Their army.

Q: What do you call a man who only needs body armour on his back?
A: Jacques Chirac.

Q: What English word has no equivalent in the French language?
A: Gratitude.

Famous Quotes About The French

"I would rather have a German division in front of me than a French one behind me." ~ General George S. Patton

"As far as I'm concerned, war always means failure" ~ Jacques Chirac, President of France

"We can stand here like the French, or we can do something about it." ~ Marge Simpson

"As far as France is concerned, you're right." ~ Rush Limbaugh

"You know, the French remind me a little bit of an aging actress of the 1940s who was still trying to dine out on her looks but doesn't have the face for it." ~ John McCain, U.S. Senator from Arizona

"You know why the French don't want to bomb Saddam Hussein? Because he hates America, he loves mistresses and wears a beret. He is French, people." ~ Conan O'Brien

I don't know why people are surprised that France won't help us get Saddam out of Iraq. After all, France wouldn't help us get the Germans out of France! ~ Jay Leno

"What do you expect from a culture and a nation that exerted more of its national will fighting against DisneyWorld and Big Macs than the Nazis?" ~ Dennis Miller

Did you see the new bomb the government came up with? It weights 21,000 pounds. The Air Force tested this bomb in Florida and the bomb blast was so strong at Disneyworld 25 French tourists surrendered. ~ Jay Leno

"Do you know it only took Germany three days to conquer France in WWII? And that's because it was raining." ~ John Xereas, Manager, DC Improv.

In response to the recent terror attacks in Spain, the French government have raised their terror alert status from "Run" to "Hide". If attacks continue on the continent they may be forced to further increase the alert to "Surrender", or even as high as "Collaborate". ~ Jay Leno

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The Taliban asked, "Do you have water?"

The Jewish man replied, "I have no water. Would you like to buy a tie? They are only $5."

The Taliban shouted, "Infidel! I do not need an over-priced tie! I need water! I should kill you, but I must find water first!"

"OK, OK" said the old Jewish man, "It does not matter that you do not want to buy a tie and that you hate me. I will show you that I am bigger than that. If you continue over that hill to the east for about two miles, you will find a lovely restaurant. It has all the ice cold water you need. Shalom."

Muttering, the Taliban staggered away over the hill. Several hours later he staggered back, almost dead... "Your f***ing brother won't let me in without a tie!"

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I don't know," Levy replied. "Why don't we ask the waiter?"

When the waiter came by, Levy asked him, "Are there any Mexican Jews?"

"I do not know sir, I ask," the waiter replied, and he went into the kitchen. He returned in a few minutes and said, "No, sir. No Mexican Jews."

"Are you sure?" Levy asked.

"I will check again, sir." the waiter replied and went back to the kitchen.

While he was still gone, Cohen said, "I cannot believe there are no Jews in Mexico. Our people are scattered everywhere."

When the waiter returned he said, "Sir, no Mexican Jews."

"Are you really sure?" Levy asked again. "I cannot believe there are no Mexican Jews."

"Sir, I ask everyone," the waiter replied exasperated. "We have orange Jews, grape Jews, tomato Jews and prune Jews, but no one ever hear of Mexican Jews!"

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On his last day, he hail a cab and told the driver to drive to the airport.

During the journey, a Honda drove past the taxi. Thereupon, the man leaned out of the window excitedly and yelled, "Honda, very fast! Made in Japan."

After awhile, a Toyota sped past the taxi. Again the Japanese man leaned out of the window and yelled, "Toyota, very fast! Made in Japan."

And then a Mitsubishi sped past the taxi. For the third time, the Japanese leaned out of the window and yelled, "Mitsubishi, very fast! Made in Japan."

The driver was a little angry, but he kept quiet. And this went on for quite a number of cars. Finally, the taxi came to the airport.

The fare was $300. The Japanese exclaimed, "Wah...so expensive!"

There upon, the driver yelled back, "Meter, very fast! Made in Japan."

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You Might Be An Iraqi If...

• You wipe your butt with your bare left hand, but consider bacon "unclean."
• You can't think of anyone you HAVEN'T declared Jihad against.
• You think vests come in two styles: bullet-proof and suicide.
• You consider television dangerous, but routinely carry explosives in your clothing.
• You were amazed to discover that cell phones have uses other than setting off roadside bombs.
• You own a $3,000 machine gun and $5,000 rocket launcher, but you can't afford shoes.
• You have nothing against women and think every man should own at least one.
• You bathe at least monthly, whether necessary or not.
• You have more wives than teeth.
• You have ever had a crush on your neighbor's goat.

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At anyrate, I'm immune. How so? Well these aren't MY jokes - F&J is gonna let others do the talking for us. All the glory of coming up with something witty without any of that nasty email stuff. Sweet. Enjoy.

Ann Coulter - "I refer to him as B. Hussein Obama. He's half white and half black, half Christian and half Muslim and half atheist. Something there for every Democrat."

Jay Leno - "Do you know what Barack Obama's middle name is? Hussein. Could've been worse. Could've been Kerry."

Jay Leno - "Barack Obama said today that politics has become too gummed up by money and influence ... and then he had to leave to attend a fundraiser."

Bill Maher - "Did you see this today about Barack Obama? Genealogy research has revealed that Obama's great-great-grandfather was born in Ireland. Oh great, now he won't be Irish enough for people."

Conan O'Brien - "The Reverend Jesse Jackson told CNN that he's planning to endorse Barack Obama for president. Experts say this is a risky move for Jackson, because hardly anything rhymes with Barack Obama."

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