Top 5 Biden Jokes From Late Night TV

"As you know, they've already come out with a Sarah Palin action figure. And today, the Democrats released a Joe Biden action figure. It talks and talks and talks. You just can't get the thing to shut up." ~Jay Leno

"Today was Joe Biden's first full day as vice president. Yeah, advisors say Biden spent most of the day watering his hair." ~Conan O'Brien

"In a speech in Washington, D.C., Delaware Senator Joe Biden said although he wants to be president, he'd rather be at home making love to his wife. Which is ironic, because Bill Clinton said the same thing. He said he'd rather be home making love to Joe Biden's wife too." ~Jay Leno

"It's Vice President-elect Joe Biden's birthday today. And Barack Obama bought him 12 cupcakes for his birthday, which is a smart gift to give Biden because when his mouth is full of cupcakes he can't say anything stupid." ~Craig Ferguson

"Joe Biden is Barack Obama's running mate. Yeah, nothing says change like a guy who's been in the Senate for 35 years." ~David Letterman

Dependable Sponsors?

The White House has asked Weatherproof Garment Co. to remove a billboard in Times Square that depicts President Obama wearing one of the company's jackets. In related news, the Vice President's office is seeking the removal of a billboard in DC that depicts Joe Biden wearing Depends.

A Chew Toy For The First Dog

Among those who will receive gifts from the Obamas this Christmas is Bo, the First Dog. The Obamas will give Bo a chew toy. Coincidentally, this is also the same present they will give Joe Biden.

Say It's Ain't So, Joe

Joe Biden said Sarah Palin has a lot of style and charisma, but no substance. He made the remark after looking at his notes from eight months ago and writing the name "Sarah Palin" over "Barack Obama."

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The Economy Is So Bad That...

• I got a pre-declined credit card offer in the mail.
• Exxon-Mobil laid off 25 Congressmen.
• Parents in Bevery Hills are considering raising their own children.
• I saw the CEO of Wal-Mart shopping at Wal-Mart.
• Dick Cheney took his stockbroker hunting.
• A prostitute asked me if she could borrow $20 until she can get back on her back.
• I saw a van full of legal immigrants illegally crossing the border into Mexico.
• I saw four CEOs playing miniature golf.
• Even people who aren't in Barack Obama's cabinet aren't paying taxes.

Oh wait, that's only 9 of them... darn recession is scaling down everything.

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The World's Economic Viruses

Government Virus - Nothing seems to get better, but all the elected officials say it's getting better.

Political Virus - Doesn't actually do anything, but you can't get rid of it until the next election.

Econometrician Virus - Sixty percent of the economies infected will lose 17 percent of their GDP 12 percent of the time (+/- a 2% margin of error).

Marxian Virus - Helps your economy go into a depression whenever it wants to.

Environmental Virus - Before allowing you to fix the recession, it first asks you if you've considered the alternatives.

Chinese Virus - Crashes your economy, but denies it ever happened and calls you a liar.

AIG Virus - Makes sure it's too big to fail, while crashing everything else.

Stimulus Virus - Puts your economy in a recession for four years. When you finally recover, you're 10 trillion more dollars in debt.

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I voted Democrat because I believe oil companies' profits of 4% on a gallon of gas are obscene but the government taxing the same gallon of gas at 18% isn't.

I voted Democrat because I'm not concerned about the slaughter of millions of babies so long as we keep all death row inmates alive.

I voted Democrat because freedom of speech is fine as long as nobody is offended by it.

I voted Democrat because I believe that people who can't tell us if it will rain on Friday can tell us that the polar ice caps will melt away in ten years if I don't start driving a Prius.

I voted Democrat because when we pull out of Iraq I trust that the bad guys will stop what they're doing, because they now think we're good people.

I voted Democrat because I believe liberal judges need to rewrite the Constitution every few days to suit some fringe kooks who would never get their agendas past the voters.

I voted Democrat because I believe the government will do a better job of spending the money I earn than I would.

I voted Democrat because I'm way too irresponsible to own a gun, and I know that my local police are all I need to protect me from murderers and thieves.

I voted Democrat because my head is so firmly planted up my ass that it is unlikely that I'll ever have another point of view.

A Liberal is a person who will give away everything they don't own." Ron, the Gregarious Hermit.

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As the Pope watched in horror, a group of Republican loggers wearing Go Sarah shirts came racing up. One quickly fired a 44 magnum slug right into the bear's chest. The two other men pulled the semiconscious Democrat from the bear's grasp. Then using baseball bats, the three loggers finished off the bear. Two of the men dragged the dead grizzly onto the bed of their pickup truck while the other tenderly placed the injured Democrat in the back seat.

As they began to leave, the Pope summoned al of them men over to him. "I give you my blessing for your brave actions!" he proudly proclaimed. "I have heard there was bitter hatred between Republican loggers and Democratic environmental activists, but now I've seen with my own eyes that this is not true."

As the Pope drove off, one logger asked his buddies, "Who the heck was that guy?"

"Dude, that was was the Pope," another replied. "He's in direct contact with Heaven and has access to all wisdom."

"Well," the logger said, "he may have access to all wisdom, but he doesn't know squat about bear hunting! By the way, is the bait still alive or do we need to go back to Massachusetts and get another one?"

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As it turns out, the owner of the gas station was Hillary's old high school boyfrined. They exchanged hello's and brief chit-chat before the former White House couple went on their way.

As they were making their way back home, Bill put his arm around Hillary and said, "Well, honey... if you had stayed with him, you would now be the wife of a service station owner."

She smirked and replied, "No Bill, if I had stayed with him... he would have been the President of the United States!"

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As Cindy was getting ready to prune the roses, John came back out to the mailbox, opened it, felt all the way to the back,and then slammed it closed harder than ever.

Puzzled by her husband's actions Cindy asked him, "Is something wrong honey?"

To which he replied, "There certainly is! My stupid computer keeps saying, "YOU'VE GOT MAIL."

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"Excuse me Mr. President but my name is Jason Prins and I'm here with an extremely important client tonight. We're going to see your speech tonight, and it would be a great help to me if when we walk by, you could impress him by saying, "Hello Jason".

President Obama, eager to please, readily agrees and fifteen minutes later, the little man walks by deep in conversation with his client. Obama approached him and said " Hello Jason."

The little man says "F**k off, Barrack! I'm in a meeting!" and keeps walking.

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To compensate for the tax increases I figure our customers will have to see a price increase of about 8%, but due to the dismal state of our economy we can't increase prices right now, so we'll have to lay off 7 of our employees instead. This problem has really been eating at me, as I believe we're all family here and I just don't know how to choose who will have to go. Everyone has families and our employees are good people.

So this is what I did... I walked through our parking lot and found 7 Obama '08 bumper stickers on our employees' cars, and decided that these employees will be the first to be laid off. I can't think of a more fair way to approach this problem. These folks wanted change, so I gave it to them.

If you have a better idea, let me know. Sincerely, a small business owner.

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