Funny and Jokes » Political Jokes

The Economy Is So Bad…

F&J Staff — Sun, 16 Aug 2009 17:29:23 +0000

In the spirit of Yo Mama jokes, F&J brings you a whole new spin on the idea. What is it you ask? Nothing short of the best (top 10) crappy economy jokes we could find. Many of these were sent in by our faithful readers, and we appreciate it. Really. Enjoy.

The Economy Is So Bad That...

I got a pre-declined credit card offer in the mail.
Exxon-Mobil laid off 25 Congressmen.
Parents in Bevery Hills are considering raising their own children.
I saw the CEO of Wal-Mart shopping at Wal-Mart.
Dick Cheney took his stockbroker hunting.
A prostitute asked me if she could borrow $20 until she can get back on her back.
I saw a van full of legal immigrants illegally crossing the border into Mexico.
I saw four CEOs playing miniature golf.
Even people who aren't in Barack Obama's cabinet aren't paying taxes.

Oh wait, that's only 9 of them... darn recession is scaling down everything.

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Small Business Bailout Plan

JoeHumor — Thu, 02 Apr 2009 20:21:57 +0000

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The Economic Viruses

F&J Staff — Thu, 26 Mar 2009 20:48:16 +0000

I think it's fair to say our world economy has caught somewhat of a Virus. In true F&J style, here's a brief description of the many forms of economic viruses affecting the markets... and while you're at it why don't you make up your own virus in the comments section.

The World's Economic Viruses

Government Virus - Nothing seems to get better, but all the elected officials say it's getting better.

Political Virus - Doesn't actually do anything, but you can't get rid of it until the next election.

Econometrician Virus - Sixty percent of the economies infected will lose 17 percent of their GDP 12 percent of the time (+/- a 2% margin of error).

Marxian Virus - Helps your economy go into a depression whenever it wants to.

Environmental Virus - Before allowing you to fix the recession, it first asks you if you've considered the alternatives.

Chinese Virus - Crashes your economy, but denies it ever happened and calls you a liar.

AIG Virus - Makes sure it's too big to fail, while crashing everything else.

Stimulus Virus - Puts your economy in a recession for four years. When you finally recover, you're 10 trillion more dollars in debt.

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I Voted Democrat Because…

F&J Staff — Fri, 06 Mar 2009 14:31:05 +0000

I voted Democrat because I love the fact that I can now marry whoever I want. I decided to marry my horse.

I voted Democrat because I believe oil companies' profits of 4% on a gallon of gas are obscene but the government taxing the same gallon of gas at 18% isn't.

I voted Democrat because I'm not concerned about the slaughter of millions of babies so long as we keep all death row inmates alive.

I voted Democrat because freedom of speech is fine as long as nobody is offended by it.

I voted Democrat because I believe that people who can't tell us if it will rain on Friday can tell us that the polar ice caps will melt away in ten years if I don't start driving a Prius.

I voted Democrat because when we pull out of Iraq I trust that the bad guys will stop what they're doing, because they now think we're good people.

I voted Democrat because I believe liberal judges need to rewrite the Constitution every few days to suit some fringe kooks who would never get their agendas past the voters.

I voted Democrat because I believe the government will do a better job of spending the money I earn than I would.

I voted Democrat because I'm way too irresponsible to own a gun, and I know that my local police are all I need to protect me from murderers and thieves.

I voted Democrat because my head is so firmly planted up my ass that it is unlikely that I'll ever have another point of view.

A Liberal is a person who will give away everything they don't own." Ron, the Gregarious Hermit.

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The Pope’s Alaskan Bear Hunt

F&J Staff — Mon, 02 Feb 2009 14:34:23 +0000

The Pope went on vacation for a few days to visit the rugged mountains of Alaska. He was cruising along the campground in the Pope Mobile when he heard a frantic commotion just at the edge of the woods. He found a helpless Democrat wearing wearing shorts, sandals, a Vote for Obama hat and a Save the Trees shirt. The man was screaming and struggling frantically, thrashing all about and trying to free himself from the grasp of a 10-foot grizzly bear.

As the Pope watched in horror, a group of Republican loggers wearing Go Sarah shirts came racing up. One quickly fired a 44 magnum slug right into the bear's chest. The two other men pulled the semiconscious Democrat from the bear's grasp. Then using baseball bats, the three loggers finished off the bear. Two of the men dragged the dead grizzly onto the bed of their pickup truck while the other tenderly placed the injured Democrat in the back seat.

As they began to leave, the Pope summoned al of them men over to him. "I give you my blessing for your brave actions!" he proudly proclaimed. "I have heard there was bitter hatred between Republican loggers and Democratic environmental activists, but now I've seen with my own eyes that this is not true."

As the Pope drove off, one logger asked his buddies, "Who the heck was that guy?"

"Dude, that was was the Pope," another replied. "He's in direct contact with Heaven and has access to all wisdom."

"Well," the logger said, "he may have access to all wisdom, but he doesn't know squat about bear hunting! By the way, is the bait still alive or do we need to go back to Massachusetts and get another one?"

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Only If (Hillary Joke)

F&J Staff — Wed, 03 Dec 2008 17:03:58 +0000

One summer afternoon, Former President Bill Clinton and his wife Hillary were vacationing in their home state of Arkansas. After a long road trip, they stopped at a service station to fill up their car with gas.

As it turns out, the owner of the gas station was Hillary's old high school boyfrined. They exchanged hello's and brief chit-chat before the former White House couple went on their way.

As they were making their way back home, Bill put his arm around Hillary and said, "Well, honey... if you had stayed with him, you would now be the wife of a service station owner."

She smirked and replied, "No Bill, if I had stayed with him... he would have been the President of the United States!"

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You’ve Got Mail!

Shanon — Wed, 12 Nov 2008 15:53:44 +0000

Cindy McCain was in her front yard watering her roses when John McCain came out of the house and rushed straight to the mailbox, opened it, looked in,then slammed it shut and stormed back into the house.

As Cindy was getting ready to prune the roses, John came back out to the mailbox, opened it, felt all the way to the back,and then slammed it closed harder than ever.

Puzzled by her husband's actions Cindy asked him, "Is something wrong honey?"

To which he replied, "There certainly is! My stupid computer keeps saying, "YOU'VE GOT MAIL."

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Presidential Favor

Shanon — Wed, 12 Nov 2008 15:51:41 +0000

A freshly elected Barrack Obama is sitting in a hotel lobby, planning his speech to a group of businessmen when a little man comes up to him.

"Excuse me Mr. President but my name is Jason Prins and I'm here with an extremely important client tonight. We're going to see your speech tonight, and it would be a great help to me if when we walk by, you could impress him by saying, "Hello Jason".

President Obama, eager to please, readily agrees and fifteen minutes later, the little man walks by deep in conversation with his client. Obama approached him and said " Hello Jason."

The little man says "F**k off, Barrack! I'm in a meeting!" and keeps walking.

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Change Business Owners Can Believe In

F&J Staff — Tue, 11 Nov 2008 14:24:10 +0000

As the Manager of a small business that employs 80 people, I have finally resigned to the fact that Barrack Obama will be our next President, and that our taxes and government fees will increase in a BIG way.

To compensate for the tax increases I figure our customers will have to see a price increase of about 8%, but due to the dismal state of our economy we can't increase prices right now, so we'll have to lay off 7 of our employees instead. This problem has really been eating at me, as I believe we're all family here and I just don't know how to choose who will have to go. Everyone has families and our employees are good people.

So this is what I did... I walked through our parking lot and found 7 Obama '08 bumper stickers on our employees' cars, and decided that these employees will be the first to be laid off. I can't think of a more fair way to approach this problem. These folks wanted change, so I gave it to them.

If you have a better idea, let me know. Sincerely, a small business owner.

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Obama Jokes

F&J Staff — Fri, 07 Nov 2008 15:22:07 +0000

Look, I can't resist. We've posted a few Obama Jokes already, in fact I think we've written something about Barack Obama five times in the past month. Between the 2008 US elections and all the national television spots running he's been on TV more than those annoying Subway commercials. Love or hate Barack, our readers love reading jokes about him.

Obama Jokes We've Already Posted

Late Night Hosts On Obama Being Elected President

"See, I got to admit, as a comedian, I'm gonna miss President Bush. Because Barack Obama is not easy to do jokes about. He doesn't give you a lot to go on. See, this is why God gave us Joe Biden." ~Jay Leno

"Earlier this evening, Barack Obama's 30-minute infomercial appeared on three of the major networks. ... Now, if you didn't see it, one part was a little odd. At the end, Barack said, 'If you vote now, we'll throw in a set of steak knives and a can of Oxiclean.'" ~Jay Leno

"But I thought it was one of those heartwarming infomercials. It had a wonderful ending. In the final scene Barack Obama is adopted by Angelina Jolie." ~Dave Letterman

"But all this doesn't matter because Obama keeps pulling away in the polls. Every week, he gets a little more ahead. And with almost all groups. Liberals, of course, always supported him. ... And conservatives like the idea of paying a black man to clean up their mess." ~Bill Maher

Obama Himself Cracking Jokes

"That's what he talked about yesterday, 'I want to drill here. I want to drill now.' I don't know where he was standing. I think he was in a building somewhere." ~Obama on John McCain's energy plan.

"I would have to...investigate more of Bill's dancing abilities, you know, and some of this other stuff before I accurately judge whether he was in fact a brother." ~Obama on whether Bill Clinton was our first black president.

"I don't want to be invited to the family hunting party." ~Obama responding to revelations that he and Dick Cheney are eighth cousins.

"But I have to say tonight's venue isn't really what I'm used to. I was originally told we'd be able to move this outdoors to Yankee Stadium, and can somebody tell me what happened to the Greek columns that I requested?" ~Obama at the Al Smith Dinner.

Obama, McCain and All Hillary Die And Go To Heaven

John McCain, Hillary Clinton, and Barack Obama all die and go to heaven. God looks down from his throne and asks McCain, "Do you think you deserve to be in heaven?"

McCain takes a breath and then replies, "Well, I think so because I was a great leader and tried to follow the words in your great book." God looks down and then says, "You can sit to my left side."

So, McCain takes his seat and then God asks the same question to Hillary, "Do you think you deserve to be in heaven?" Hillary thinks for a second and then replies, "I think so because I have been fighting for the rights of so many people for so long." God again looks down and this time says, "You can sit to my right side."

Finally God turns to Barack Obama and asks, "Do you think you deserve to be in heaven?"
Obama smiled and replied, "I think you're in my seat."

A Closing Note From Jay Leno

"Barack Obama gave a big speech on race, and there was one heckler in the audience, kept screaming crazy stuff the whole time. Turns out it was his pastor."

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