1. Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.
2. Baseball is wrong. Man with four balls cannot walk.
3. War doesn't determine who is right, only who is left.
4. Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cathouse.
5. Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.
6. Man who run behind car get exhausted.
7. It take many nails to build crib but one screw to fill it.
8. Man who fishes in other man's well often catches crabs.
9. Man who go to bed with itchy butt wake up with stinky fingers.
10. Marriage is like game of poker. You start with pair and end with full house.
11. Man who farts in church sits in his own pew.
12. He who eats too many prunes, sits on toilet many moons.
13. Elevator smell different to midget.
14. Those who quote me are fools.
15. Confucius say too damn much.

Let's add some of your favorite Confucius analects in the comments section below. I'll get you started... "Confucious say..."

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10. Instead of shaking hands, you ask them to "pull your finger." What a moron.

9. You're not willing to risk being downsized, since you're unsure if they're referring to your penis.

8. In your zealousness to pad your resume, you claim 10 years of Java and 15 years of HTML. But what do they know, they still use Windows?

7. After your interview tantrums, so-called "Equal Opportunity Employers" don't seem to be buying your "Tourette's Syndrome" excuse.

6. Small-minded employers find "alien abductions" unacceptable explanation for gaps in work history.

5. You can't afford shoes. Come on, that's lame.

4. "Slashed co-workers with a broken coffee mug" doesn't look as impressive on your resume as you thought it would.

3. Too much time during your interview spent discussing your jihad, not enough on how you would perform as the new personnel counselor.

2. You show up at each interview wearing an aluminum foil suit "just in case of enemy attack."

And the #1 reason you can't find a job...

1. You list "smokin weed" as a hobby on the job application. And you wonder why they never sent you over for the drug test.

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1) They started it.
2) You flipped over the table while losing a Magic: The Gathering game, and damaged several rare cards.
3) They stole your woman.
4) You stole their woman.
5) You’ve had enough of their bullshit.

Whether you’re a good man who was in the wrong place at the wrong time, or a dangerous maniac, we here at Cracked want to help. That’s why we’ve consulted with the experts (who did not wish to be named) on how to maximize your odds of winning a fight against twenty children. Follow these guidelines, and your opponents will wish they were never born 6 or 7 years ago.

Use an appropriate technique. Modern mixed martial arts are geared almost exclusively towards one on one combat, and are not designed to take on multiple tiny aggressors. As a grown adult, you could be fairly assured of absolutely destroying a 7 year old if you took him to the floor for a ground and pound. But by doing so you’d expose your back and head to his peers. Your best bet is to stay on your feet and use striking techniques. Karate is one good choice - it was originally designed in the 1600’s for use by unarmed Japanese day care workers.

Be aware of the terrain. By default, you’re going to have a height advantage against twenty children, but be sure you don’t cede it. Avoid fighting around picnic tables, monkey bars, or anything with which a particularly daring child could launch an aerial attack. The ideal situation is fighting children who are trapped in a ditch below you.

Stay mobile. Unless you’re extremely lucky and find yourself fighting twenty infants, you’re going to be at a mobility disadvantage when fighting a large group of children. You must avoid becoming surrounded at all costs. Keep moving, and always trying to position the bulk of children on one side of you. Circle, sidestep, and use tactical retreats to try and engage a single child at a time, where your reach and decades of muscular development should prove an advantage.

Speed. You want this fight to be over fast. Children have boundless amounts of energy, and you’ll tire quickly as the fight progresses. If you schedule your fights with twenty children in advance for some reason, I urge you to focus your pre-training regimen on cardiovascular conditioning and snorting eye-wateringly large amounts of cocaine.

Intimidation. Although I don’t expect you to be intimidated by the prospect of fighting twenty children - given the self-confidence that comes with maturity - remember that intimidation is a two way street. Twenty is a big number, and if that many children lose their fear of you, watch out. Use fierce roars and displays of strength to frighten the children. When taunting, remember that children are almost comically stupid, and won’t understand any of your more creative taunts. You won’t intimidate anyone if you have to explain three times specifically what you did to their mother last night.

Go for the leader first. Assuming the twenty children lack military training, they’re going to behave more like a pack of animals than a cohesive group. By default, pack animals will defer to an alpha leader, and if you manage to subdue that child, the rest of the pack will quickly lose their will to fight. In some cases the leader will be actively giving orders and therefore easy to identify. Other times they’ll be harder to pick out. In those cases, go for the tallest one, or the one with the most Pokemon on their clothing. Once the alpha child is lying in a heap, you’ve got a narrow window of intimidation open while the children regroup. I’d recommend lifting his body over your head and screaming yourself hoarse. That’s the smart veteran move.

Groin attacks. In general the crotch is a small, easily defensible target, and not typically a factor in most fights at a reasonably professional level. That said, when children are attacked by an adult, they’re rarely going to respond professionally. Again, if you have forewarning that you’ll soon be coming to blows with twenty children, absolutely wear a cup. If you do get struck in the groin, under no circumstances should you place your hand on your genitals to massage away the pain - touching your privates while surrounded by minors is illegal in many states, and frowned upon in the rest.

Weapons. I’d suggest refraining from using weapons, and not just because of the harsh mandatory minimum sentencing laws that are a sad reality in this modern age. By bringing a weapon you might prompt the children to bring weapons as well. This kind of escalation plays against you. Whereas before you could fairly safely absorb several dozen tiny little punches before being incapacitated, you’re now at risk of being dropped with a single lucky strike. If a child with a pair of safety scissors gets at your Achilles tendon (the groin of the ankle) then you’re cooked buddy.

Let the last one walk away. In Professional Twenty-Child-Fighting Leagues this is now tradition, but even during raw, underground twenty child street-fights it serves an important purpose. By letting that child spread word of your great strength and not-to-be-fucked-withedness amongst the other children of the area, you can ensure that it will be a long time indeed before someone else mewls at you that you’re hogging the swings.

PS - also works against midgets.

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• You take your dog for a walk and you both use the same tree.
• Your working TV sits on top of your non-working TV.
• Your property has been mistaken for a recycling center.
• You've been involved in a custody fight over a hunting dog.
• You burn your yard rather than mow it.
• You know how many bales of hay your car will hold.
• The Salvation Army declines your mattress.
• Your entire family sat around waiting for a call from the governor to spare a loved one.
• Your house doesn't have curtains but your truck does.
• You offer to give someone the shirt off your back and they don't want it.
• You have the local taxidermist on speed dial.
• You come back from the dump with more than you took.
• You keep a can of Raid on the kitchen table.
• A tornado hits your neighborhood and does $100,000 worth of home improvements.
• You've ever bathed with flea and tick soap.
• You use a rag for a gas cap on your pickup truck (or car).
• You've ever hit on somebody in a VD clinic.
• You can entertain yourself for more than an hour with a flyswatter.

Feel free to add your own in the comments below.  Don't be bashful!

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• English...........I Love You
• Spanish.......... Te Amo
• French........... Je T'aime
• German.......... Ich Liebe Dich
• Japanese....... Ai Shite Imasu
• Italian.......... Ti Amo
• Chinese......... Wo Ai Ni
• Swedish........ Jag Alskar Dig
• Eskimo.......... Nagligivaget
• Greek............ S'Agapo
• Hawaiian....... Aloha Wau la Oe
• Irish............. Thaim In Grabh Leat
• Hebrew......... Ani Ohev Otakh
• Russian........ Ya Lyublyu Tyebya
• Albanian....... Une Te Dua
• Finnish......... Mina Rakkastan Sinua
• Turkish........ Seni Seviyorum
• Hungarian...... Se Ret Lay
• Persian....... Du Stet Daram
• Maltese....... Jien Inhobbok
• Catalan...... Testimo Molt
• American.... Nice Tits

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Tatoos. Having a tattoo with Chinese characters in it doesn't make you spiritual. It's right above the crack of your ass. And it translates to "beef with broccoli." The last time you did anything spiritual, you were praying to God you weren't pregnant. You're not spiritual. You're just high.

Wal-Mart. I'm not the cashier! By the time I get done sliding my friggen card, entering my PIN number, pressing "Enter," verifying the amount, deciding, no, I don't want cash back, and pressing "Enter" again... the kid who's "supposed" to be ringing me up is standing there eating my Snickers bar. Paper? Plastic? I don't have time for that. I've just been called to do a cleanup on aisle four!

Baseball cards. You know, as I kid I collected them. Hell I think every kid collects baseball cards. The cards represent your heros, your idols, people you wanted to be like when you grew up. My problem isn't with kids... it's adults. Listen if you're a grown man you're not collecting cards, you're collecting pictures of men. That's gay.

Old People. Stop messing with them. Target is introducing a redesigned pill bottle that's square, with a bigger label. And the top is now the bottom. And by the time gramps figures out how to open it his ass will be in the morgue. Congratulations Target, you just solved the Social Security crisis.

Women and their eyebrows. What's the deal here? Why are you soooo obsessed with making them skinny, pointy, curved, slanted or whatever. Men don't care. Do you have two eybrows? Great. Let's get it on!

You know what else ticks me off? People that read my stuff and don't leave a comment. I mean, damn, this site gets 15,000 visitors a day and I get maybe 20 comments.  What the hell? How about letting me know what ticks YOU off. Mmmmk. Thanks.

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"I smoke three packs of cigarettes a day," he said. "I also drink a case of whiskey a week, eat fatty foods, and never exercise."

"That's amazing," the woman said. "How old are you?'

"Twenty-six!" he said.

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The boy has a history of being beaten by his parents and the judge initially awarded custody to his aunt, in keeping with child custody law and regulation requiring that family unity be maintained to the highest degree possible.

The boy surprised the court when he proclaimed that his aunt beat him more than his parents and he adamantly refused to live with her. When the judge then suggested that he live with his grandparents, the boy cried and said that they also beat him.

After considering the remainder of the immediate family and learning that domestic violence was apparently a way of life among them, the judge took the unprecedented step of allowing the boy to propose who should have custody of him.

After two recesses to check legal references and confer with the child welfare officials, the judge granted temporary custody to the Nebraska Cornhuskers, whom the boy firmly believes are not capable of beating anyone.

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One sunny afternoon, out of nowhere, appeared the Fairy Godmother. Cinderella said "Fairy Godmother, what are you doing here after all these years?" The Fairy Godmother replies "Well Cinderella, since you have lived a good, wholesome life since we last met, I have decided to grant you 3 wishes. Is there anything for which your heart still yearns?"

Cinderella is taken aback, overjoyed and after some thoughtful consideration and almost under her breath she uttered her first wish. "I wish I was wealthy beyond comprehension." Instantly her rocking chair was turned into solid gold. Cinderella was stunned. Cinderella said "Oh thank you, Fairy Godmother!" The Fairy Godmother replied "It is the least I can do. What is your second wish?" Cinderella looked down at her frail body and said: "I wish I was young and full of the beauty of youth again." At once, her wish having been desired, became reality, and her beautiful youthful visage had returned. Cinderella felt stirrings inside her that had been dormant for years and long forgotten vigour and vitality began to course through her very soul. Then the Fairy Godmother spoke again "You have one more wish, what shall you have?" Cinderella looked over to Gizmo, who was now quivering in the corner with fear. "I wish for you to transform my old cat, Gizmo, into a beautiful and handsome young man." Magically, Gizmo suddenly underwent so fundamental a change in his biologicial make up, that when he stoof before her, he was a boy, so beautiful the like of which she nor the world had ever seen, so fair indeed that birds begun to fall from the sky at his feet.

The Fairy Godmother said "Congratulations Cinderella! Enjoy your new life." With a blazing shock of bright blue electricity, she was gone. For a few moments, Gizmo and Cinderella looked into each other's eyes. Cinderella sat, breathless, gazing at the most stunningly perfect boy she had ever seen.

Then Gizmo walked over to Cinderella, who sat transfixed in her rocking chair, and held her close in his muscular arms.He leant close to her ear, and into her ear breathed as much as whispered, blowing her golden hair with his warm breath, "I bet you regret having my balls chopped off now, don't you?"

This joke provided courtesy of FunnyandJokes.com, all rights reserved.

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