Top 20 ‘Funny’ SMS Text Messages

1. The longest sentence known to man: “I do.”
2. I only use deodorant under one arm, so I know what I would have smelled like.
3. Crime doesn’t pay… Does that mean my job is a crime?
4. This dog, is dog, a dog, good dog, way dog, to dog, keep dog, an dog, idiot dog, busy dog, for dog, 20 dog, seconds dog! … Now read without the word dog.
5. Do you ever notice that when you’re driving, anyone going slower than you is an idiot and everyone driving faster than you is a maniac?
6. I’ve used up all my sick days, so I’m calling in dead.
7. Any woman that thinks the way to a mans heart is through his stomach is aiming just a little too high.
8. What’s the quietest place in the world? The complaint department at the parachute packing plant.
9. I’m not into working out. My philosophy: No pain. No pain.
10. When a man talks dirty to a woman, it’s sexual harassment. When a woman talks dirty to a man, it’s $4.95 a minute.
11. Pleas turn your mobile phone upside down now! Hurry 370HSSV 0773H
12. Your birth certificate is an apology letter from the condom factory.
13. Never forget that you’re unique, just like everyone else.
14. I heard you took an IQ test and they said you’re results were negative.
15. What do u call dog with no legs? Don’t matter wot u call him, he ain’t gonna come.
16. I don’t have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem.
17. Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy.
18. If practice makes perfect, and nobody’s perfect, why practice?
19. Born Free… Taxed to Death.
20. We will now upgrade your brain, please wait… searching… searching… still searching… sorry NO BRAIN found.

Ok, these are more of a cross between old Confucius sayings and one-liner jokes… but then again I suppose that’s what it’s all about. Feel free to add your own favorites in the comments.

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10. Pull into a gas station and use the window washer to wash your entire car.

9. Ask a bank teller to break a $100 bill for you. Then when asked how you want it done say, “in hundreds”.

8. Call a political candidate’s campaign office and ask them for a donation to your non-candidacAy.

7. Ask a security guard how it feels knowing that in all the action movies the security guards are always the first to die.

6. When you get credit card offers in the mail, stuff the prepaid envelopes with toilet paper and mail them back. (whether you use new or used toilet paper is totally up to you.)

5. Call your bank and ask them to add your checking account onto the $700 billion government bail out plan.

4. Find someone who is big into worrying about the threat of global warming, remind them of their own carbon dioxide and body heat contribution to the planet, and ask them to stop it.

3. Ask a judge if you can get away with murder as long as you can convince a jury of your peers ahead of time that it is justified.

2. Send a bill to every TV station, radio station, cell phone company, and satellite company, charging them an “access fee” for the waves they broadcast through your property. If they refuse payment, charge them with trespassing.

And the #1 Sarcastic Dare…

1. Circulate a petition to put “intelligent human beings” on the endangered species list.

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1. Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.
2. Baseball is wrong. Man with four balls cannot walk.
3. War doesn’t determine who is right, only who is left.
4. Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cathouse.
5. Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.
6. Man who run behind car get exhausted.
7. It take many nails to build crib but one screw to fill it.
8. Man who fishes in other man’s well often catches crabs.
9. Man who go to bed with itchy butt wake up with stinky fingers.
10. Marriage is like game of poker. You start with pair and end with full house.
11. Man who farts in church sits in his own pew.
12. He who eats too many prunes, sits on toilet many moons.
13. Elevator smell different to midget.
14. Those who quote me are fools.
15. Confucius say too damn much.

Let’s add some of your favorite Confucius analects in the comments section below. I’ll get you started… “Confucious say…”

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1. Son, when you participate in sporting events, it’s not whether you win or lose: it’s how drunk you get.
2. Son, a woman is like a beer. They smell good, they look good, you’d step over your own mother just to get one! But you can’t stop at one. You wanna drink another woman!
3. What’s the point of going out? We’re just going to wind up back here anyway.
4. I’m normally not a praying man, but if you’re up there, please save me, Superman.
5. Fame was like a drug. But what was even more like a drug were the drugs.
6. Books are useless! I only ever read one book, “To Kill A Mockingbird,” and it gave me absolutely no insight on how to kill mockingbirds! Sure it taught me not to judge a man by the color of his skin… but what good does that do me?
7. I hope I didn’t brain my damage.
8. Weaseling out of things is important to learn. It’s what separates us from the animals… except the weasel.
9. Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.
10. How is education supposed to make me feel smarter? Besides, every time I learn something new, it pushes some old stuff out of my brain. Remember when I took that home winemaking course, and I forgot how to drive?
11. Old people don’t need companionship. They need to be isolated and studied so it can be determined what nutrients they have that might be extracted for our personal use.
12. Facts are meaningless. You could use facts to prove anything that’s even remotely true!
13. How could you?! Haven’t you learned anything from that guy who gives those sermons at church? Captain Whatshisname? We live in a society of laws! Why do you think I took you to all those Police Academy movies? For fun? Well, I didn’t hear anybody laughing, did you? Except at that guy who made sound effects. Makes sound effects and laughs. Where was I? Oh yeah! Stay out of my booze.
14. You don’t like your job, you don’t strike. You go in every day and do it really half-assed. That’s the American way.
15. Oh, I’m in no condition to drive. Wait a minute. I don’t have to listen to myself. I’m drunk.

Well, that does it for me. If you’ve got anymore that I missed – or you have your own favorites, add them below in the comments. All the cool kids are doin’ it.

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Q: How many Psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Only one, but the bulb has to really WANT to change.
A2: None; the bulb will change itself when it is ready.

Q: How many ‘Real Women’ does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None: A ‘Real Woman’ would have plenty of ‘real men’ around to do it.

Q: How many ‘Real Men’ does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None: ‘Real Men’ aren’t afraid of the dark (guess the women are screwed).

Q: How many government workers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Twenty. Eighteen to stand around, one to change the bulb, and another to supervise.

Q: How many Roman Catholics does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two. One to do the screwing, and one to hear the confession.

Q: What is the difference between a pregnant woman and a light bulb?
A: You can unscrew a light bulb.

Q: How many economists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None. If the government would just leave it alone, it would screw itself in.

Q: How many country singers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two. One to change the bulb, another to write a song about how good the old light bulb was.

Q: How many Republicans does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None, they only screw the poor (ouch.. I can’t believe I posted this one).

Q: How many doctors does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Three. One to find a bulb specialist, one to refer an installation specialist, and another to bill it all to Medicare.

Q: How many college football players does it take to change a light bulb?
A: The entire team! And they all get a semester’s credit for it too.

Q: How many stock brokers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Two. One to take out the bulb and drop it, and the other to try and sell it before it crashes.

Ok folks, that’s all I’ve got for now. But hey, if you’ve got any more – post ‘em in the comments!

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Q: Why did the dog cross the road?
A: To get away from Michael Vick, of course!

Q: Why are Mexicans so bad at the Olympics?
A: Because anyone who can run, swim or jump is already in the United States!

Q: Why did the fish get kicked out of school?
A: He was caught with seaweed! (Ok, that’s lame)

Q: What’s the longest sentence known to man?
A: I Do.

Random: I got in a fight with my wife last night… and it was totally my fault. She asked me what was on the TV and i said… dust. Didn’t go so well after that.

A Shortie: Osama bin Laden wanted to start a new Suicide Bomber’s Training Academy, but for some reason was unable to find qualified instructors with any field experience.

A Random Thought: Do you ever notice that when you’re driving, anyone going slower than you is an idiot and everyone driving faster than you is a maniac?

Another Random Thought: So if crime doesn’t pay… does that mean my job is a crime? Is this blog a crime?

Ok folks, add your own in the comments…

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10. When filling out your driver’s license application you give them your IP address.

9. You no longer ask prospective dates for their phone number, instead you ask for their myspace.

8. Instead of calling you to dinner, your spouse sends e-mail.

7. You’re amazed to find out spam is actually a food.

6. You “ping” people to see if they’re awake, “finger” them to find out how they are, and “AYT” them to make sure they’re listening to you.

5. You search the net endlessly hoping to win every silly free T-shirt contest.

4. You introduce your wife as “my@home.wife” and refer to your children as “client applications”.

3. At social functions you introduce your husband as “my domain server”.

2. You often say “LOL” and “LMAO” out loud.

And the number one sign you are an Internet Geek:

1. You’ve actually reached the end of the internet.

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• What do Skeletons say before eating? Bone Appetite.
• What do blondes and Jack-O-Lanterns have in common? Both have blank expressions and are hollow inside.
• Why did the Vampire get fired from the Blood Bank? He was caught drinking on the job.
• Why do ghosts have so much trouble dating? Women can see right through them.
• Why are Vampires Democrats? They wanted Gore in 2000.
• What kind of clothes do Zombies wear? Decay NY.
• Why aren’t there any famous skeletons? They’re a bunch of no bodies.
• What kind of music do Mummies listen to? Wrap.
• What do you call a guy turned on by a witch? Scared stiff.

Yea yea, we know (they kinda sucked). Better than nothing though, you gotta admit : )

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• Xerox and Wurlitzer: Joining forces to make reproductive organs. (can I hold the copywrite?)
• Polygram Records, Warner Brothers and Keebler: Will be called Poly-Warner-Cracker. (more entertaining probably)
• 3M & Goodyear: To be known as: Mmm-Good.
• John Deere & Abitibi-Price: Will surely become Deere Abi. (probably give better advice)
• Honeywell, Imasco, and Home Oil: Combining forces to become Honey, I’m Home. (now cook me some dinner!)
• Denison Mines, Alliance, and Metal Mining: To now become Mine, All Mine (greedy aren’t they?)
• FedEx is expected to join its major competitor, UPS, and become: FedUP
• Grey Poupon & Dockers Pants: Will be now be known as Poupon Pants (my favorite)
• Knott’s Berry Farm & National Organization of Women: Joining forces to become Knott NOW! (typical woman stuff)
• Zippo Manufacturing, Audi, Dofasco, Dakota Mining: None other than Zip Audi Do-Da

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• A lady wrote to an advice column in a newspaper: “I have been engaged to a man for some time, but just before the wedding, I find he has a wooden leg. Do you think I should break it off?”
• Doctors tell us there are over seven million people who are overweight. These, of course, are only round figures.
• There were two ships. One had red paint, one had blue paint. They collided. At last report, the survivors were marooned.
• When I was in the supermarket I saw a man and a woman wrapped in a barcode. I asked, “Are you two an item?”
• I managed to get a good job working for a pool maintenance company, but the work was just too draining.
• A guy walks into the psychiatrist’s office wearing only Glad Wrap shorts. The shrink says, “I can clearly see you’re nuts.”
• I fired my masseuse today. She just rubbed me the wrong way. (Bada Bing!)
• My last job was working at Starbucks, but I had to quit, because it was always the same old grind.
• Show me where Stalin’s buried and I’ll show you a communist plot.
• At a hearing aid center: “Let us give you some sound advice.”
• A neutron walks into a bar. “I’d like a beer” he says. The bartender promptly serves up a beer. “How much will that be?” asks the neutron. “For you?” replies the bartender, “no charge”.
• Four fonts walk into a bar. The barman says “Oi – get out! We don’t want your type in here”
• My best job was being a musician, but eventually I found I wasn’t note worthy.
• Did you hear about the constipated composer? He couldn’t finish the last movement.
• Old cashiers never die, they just check out.
• How does an attorney sleep? First he lies on one side, then he lies on the other.
• I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.
• I used to be a railroad conductor, but my boss found out I wasn’t trained.
• I used to sell computer parts, but then I lost my drive.
• If you want a committed man, look in a mental hospital.
• I asked Mom if I was a gifted child. She said they certainly wouldn’t have paid for me.

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