Funny and Jokes » Insults and Cutdowns

Yo Mama’s Breath Is So Bad…

F&J Staff — Thu, 08 Jan 2009 21:51:25 +0000

I'm sitting here at the computer, scouring the internet for the world's best bad breath jokes. Honestly, you'd think it'd be easier. I only found a few, and decided to twist it into "Yo Mama" style.

Yo mama's breath is so bad that when she breathes, her teeth duck out of the way.
Yo mama's breath is so bad, she could clear a chat room.
Yo mama's breath is so stank, when she talks her lips go numb.
Yo mama's breath is sooo bad, she made Close Up back up.
Yo mama's breath stinks so bad, people look forward to her farts!

F&J really needs your help here, please post you favorite yo mama's breath is so bad... jokes. Today we sucketh, this is honestly all we could come up with.

Similar Funny Jokes You Might Like:

Yo Mama Poetry Roses are red, violets are black, why's Yo mama's chest,...
Yo Mama Has Yo mama has one leg and a bicycle. Yo mama...
Yo Mama So Hairy Yo mama so hairy, they filmed "Gorillas in the Mist"...

I Feel Insulted

erraticheart — Fri, 11 Jul 2008 14:21:21 +0000

A lady with her baby is sitting in a bus beside the driver... "What an ugly baby!", said the driver to the lady.

Feeling insulted, she moved to another seat and murmurred a few things under her breathe. The man next to her asked, "What happened?"

"The driver just insulted me!" she cried. Sympathetic, the man offered, "That bastard, he shouldn't have insulted you! Go, get his number. I'll hold your monkey for you."

Similar Funny Jokes You Might Like:

The Speeder A traffic cop on patrol one night, watching a 35mph...
A Bun In The Oven A four year old little boy was at the doctor's...
Monkey Butt Tattoo Ok, seriously... what was he (or she?) thinking? Granted it's...

How About Some Insults?

F&J Staff — Tue, 25 Sep 2007 15:03:26 +0000

Feeling alittle dumpy today? Take it out on the people around you with a few well timed, randomly spewed insults. Don't like the way your co-worker is looking at you? Try one of these...

You couldn't pour water out of a boot with instructions on the heel.
You must have fell out of the Stupid Tree and hit every branch on the way down.
You have an intellect rivaled only by garden tools.
You're few cards short of a full deck. (yea I know that's old)
You're a few fries short of a Happy Meal. (yea yea, old too)
You're about as smart as bait.
I think the wheel's spinning but the hamster's dead. (I like this one)
I think the cheese slid off his cracker. (WTF?)
You must have been an experiment in artificial stupidity.

Similar Funny Jokes You Might Like:

Insults and Cutdowns A demitasse would fit his head like a sombrero. A...
Celebrity Insults "He was happily married - but his wife wasn't." -...
Political Insults "What makes him think a middle aged actor, who's played...

Hi John, How You Doing?

F&J Staff — Mon, 20 Aug 2007 18:44:39 +0000

A young man was at a fancy restaurant one day with his new girlfriend. It's their first date and everything is going well, barring the occasional period of silence. The girlfriend goes to the restrooms and while she is away, the young man spots somebody at another table that looks incredibly like Bob Barker, the Price Is Right guy. He decides to pop over and approache the guy.

"Excuse me," says the young man, "but you half look like Bob Barker. I don't suppose..."

"Well," interrupts Bob, "actually, I am Bob Barker."

The young man is almost speechless, but does continue, "Look Bob, I think you're great. I've watched all your shows and blah, blah, blah, etc... could you do me a favor?"

"What ever you want," says Bob.

"Well, you see I'm at another table with my new girlfriend and it would really impress her if you would just come up to me and say, 'Hello John'."

"Sure, no problem." says Bob.

So Steve rushes back to his table and his girlfriend returns. A few moments later, over pops Bob to their table and goes up to John.

"Hi John, how you doing?" says Bob. John looks up and says, "Oh, piss off, Bob".

Similar Funny Jokes You Might Like:

If George Bush and John McCain Had A Baby Their love child would probably look like this... It was...
Female to Male Translation What a woman says: "This place is a mess! C'mon,...
Who’s Doing The Dishes? John really wanted to buy a motorcycle. He had been searching nearly every...

Top 10 Party Games for People Over 50

F&J Staff — Sat, 21 Jul 2007 18:18:43 +0000

10. Sag! You're it!

9. Pin the toupee on the bald guy.

8. 20 questions shouted in your good ear.

7. Kick the bucket.

6. Red Rover, Red Rover, the nurse says bend over.

5. Doc, doc, goose.

4. Simon says something incoherent.

3. Musical recliners.

2. Spin the bottle of Mylanta.

And the #1 party game for old people is... Hide and go pee!

Similar Funny Jokes You Might Like:

Rich Pool Party A filthy rich North Carolina man decided that he wanted...
Wild Alabama Party Sam has been in the computer business for 25 years...
Antiboredom – What Old People Do For Fun Picture this, you're riding down the road and some old...

Performance Evaluation Quotes

F&J Staff — Tue, 17 Jul 2007 18:47:57 +0000

Somewhere, in some office or human resources department... an employee has had a performance evaluation. Most of the time these go well, with someone getting a raise or a boost in moral... other times... not so well. The following are actual quotes taken from various performance evaluation tests at a company (to remain anonymous).

"Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom and has started to dig."

"His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of morbid curiosity."

"I would not allow this employee to breed."

"This associate is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a definitely won't be."

"Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap."

"He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle."

"This young lady has delusions of adequacy."

"He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them."

"This employee should go far - and the sooner he starts, the better."

"This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot."

Similar Funny Jokes You Might Like:

Famous Quotes One Friday morning, a teacher came up with a novel...
Funny Quotes How about some funny quotes from some famous people? What's...
Top 10 Most Famous Sex Quotes Below you'll find my top 10 favorite sex quotes of...

Officer Pulls Over a Wiseguy

F&J Staff — Fri, 06 Jul 2007 20:50:04 +0000

A policeman pulls a man over for speeding and asks him to get out of the car. After looking the man over he says, "Sir, I couldn't help but notice your eyes are bloodshot. Have you been drinking?"

The man gets really indignant and says, "Officer, I couldn't help but notice your eyes are glazed. Have you been eating doughnuts?"

Similar Funny Jokes You Might Like:

Things You Probably Shouldn’t Say To A Police Officer If you're ever pulled over for speeding (or any other...
Designated Decoy One night a police officer was staking out a particularly...
Blonde’s Police Application A blonde walks into the police department looking for a...

You’re So… (Random)

F&J Staff — Tue, 19 Jun 2007 16:13:53 +0000

You're so dumb you thought Taco Bell was a phone company.
You're so fat when you jumped up you got stuck.
You're so fat you got baptized at Sea World.
You're so fat you laid down in the ocean and Spain claimed you as the New World.
You're so fat you saw 90210 on a scale.
You're so fat you use hoola-hoops to keep your socks up.
You're so fat, when you wear a yellow rain coat people scream ''taxi''.
You're so low you could milk a pregnant snake!
You're so old you drove a chariot to school.
You're so slow it takes you an hour and a half to watch "Sixty Minutes."
You're so small, you pose for trophies.
You're so stupid you threw a rock at the ground and missed.
You're so stupid you trip over the cord of a cellular phone!
You're so ugly when you went to a haunted house they offered you a job.
You're so ugly you almost look like your mother.
You're so ugly you have to trick or treat over the phone.
You're so ugly you make blind kids cry.
You're so ugly your husband goes everywhere alone.
You're so ugly your husband takes you with him everywhere he goes so he doesn't have to kiss you bye.
You're so ugly, when you walk into taco bell, EVERYONE runs for the border!

Similar Funny Jokes You Might Like:

Random Yo Mamma Jokes Yo mamma feet are so big her shoes have to...
Yo Mama Is So Ugly Yo mama so ugly when she joined an ugly contest,...
Some Random Short Riddles Q: I run over fields and woods all day. Under...

Insults and Cutdowns

F&J Staff — Tue, 19 Jun 2007 16:12:33 +0000

A demitasse would fit his head like a sombrero.
A guy with your IQ should have a low voice too!
A half-wit gave you a piece of his mind, and you held on to it.
A sharp tongue is no indication of a keen mind.
After meeting you, I've decided I am in favor of abortion in cases of incest.
All of your ancestors must number in the millions; it's hard to believe that many people are to blame for producing you.
All that you are you owe to your parents. Why don't you send them a penny and square the account?
Alone: In bad company.
And there he was: reigning supreme at number two.
Any friend of yours ... is a friend of yours.
Any similarity between you and a human is purely coincidental!
Anyone who told you to be yourself couldn't have given you worse advice.
Are you always so stupid or is today a special occasion?
Are you brain-dead?
Are your parents siblings?
As an outsider, what do you think of the human race?
As useless as rubber lips on a woodpecker. ~ Earl Pitts ~
As welcome as a rattlesnake at a square dance. ~ Robert Reinhold ~
At least you are not obnoxious like so many other people - you are obnoxious in a different and worse way!
Before you came along we were hungry. Now we are fed up.
Believe me, I don't want to make a monkey out of you. Why should I take all the credit?
Better at sex than anyone, now all he needs is a partner.
Brains aren't everything. In fact, in your case they're nothing!
Calling you stupid would be an insult to stupid people.
Can I borrow your face for a few days while my ass is on vacation?
Careful now, don't let your brains go to your head!
Converse with any plankton lately?
Diarrhea of the mouth; constipation of the ideas.
Did the mental hospital test too many drugs on you today?
Did you eat paint chips when you were a kid?
Did your parents ever ask you to run away from home?
Did your parents have any children that lived?
Do you ever wonder what life would be like if you'd had enough oxygen at birth?
Do you have to leave so soon? I was about to poison the tea.
Do you want do die stupid?
Do you want me to accept you as you are or do you want me to like you?
Doesn't know the meaning of the word fear, but then again he doesn't know the meaning of most words.
Don't feel bad. A lot of people have no talent!
Don't get insulted, but is your job devoted to spreading ignorance?
Don't let your mind wander -- it's too little to be let out alone.
Don't mind him. He has a soft heart and a head to match.
Don't thank me for insulting you. It was my pleasure.
Don't think, it may sprain your brain!
Don't you have a terribly empty feeling ---- in your skull?
Don't you love nature, despite what it did to you?

Similar Funny Jokes You Might Like:

How About Some Insults? Feeling alittle dumpy today? Take it out on the people...
Celebrity Insults "He was happily married - but his wife wasn't." -...
Political Insults "What makes him think a middle aged actor, who's played...

Political Insults

F&J Staff — Tue, 19 Jun 2007 16:09:52 +0000

"What makes him think a middle aged actor, who's played with a chimp, could have a future in politics?"
- Ronald Reagan commenting on Eastwood's bid to become mayor of Carmel

"An empty suit that goes to funerals and plays golf."
- Ross Perot talking about Dan Quayle

"I have never seen. . .so slippery, so disgusting a candidate."
- Nat Hentoff talking about Bill Clinton

"He's nothing more than a well meaning baboon"
- General McCellan on Abraham Lincoln

"MacArthur is the type of man who thinks that when he gets to heaven, God will step down from the great white throne and bow him into His vacated seat."
- Harold Ickes talking about Douglas MacArthur

"A triumph of the embalmers art"
- Gore Vidal on Ronald Reagan

"If he became convinced tomorrow that coming out for cannibalism would get him the votes he surely needs, he would begin fattening a missionary in the White House backyard come Wednesday."
- H. L. Mencken talking about Franklin D. Roosevelt

"I believe that Ronald Reagan can make this country what it once was - an Arctic region covered with ice."
- Steve Martin

"The enviably attractive nephew who sings an Irish ballad for the company and then winsomely disappears before the table clearing and dishwashing begin."
- Lyndon B. Johnson on JFK

"I've noticed that everyone who is for abortion has already been born"
- Ronald Reagan

"Attila the Hen"
- Clement Freud on Margaret Thatcher

"Ronald Reagan doesn't dye his hair, he's just prematurely orange"
- Gerald Ford on Ronald Reagan

Similar Funny Jokes You Might Like:

Celebrity Bitching "Can't act. Slightly bald. Can dance a little." - Anonymous...
Celebrity Insults "He was happily married - but his wife wasn't." -...
Insults and Cutdowns A demitasse would fit his head like a sombrero. A...