Funny and Jokes » Golf Jokes

Moses and Jesus Playing Golf

F&J Staff — Thu, 23 Jul 2009 14:18:10 +0000

It was a beautiful, sunny Sunday afternoon while Moses, Jesus, and another guy were out playing golf. On the first tee-box, Moses pulls out his driver and blisters a shot up the right side of the fairway, rolling fast towards a water hazard. Moses quickly raised his club, parting the water while his ball rolls through to the other side safely.

Next up on the tee, Jesus hits a really long drive right towards the very same water hazard. His ball came to rest dead center of the pond, hovering just over the surface of the water. Jesus casually walks out onto the pond, and chips it up onto the green within a couple feet of the flagstick.

Not impressed, the third guy steps up to the tee without taking any time and just randomly whacks at the ball. Rightfully so, the ball is hit with a nasty hook that clears the left OB markers and goes over a fence into oncoming traffic. It bounces off a truck’s windshield hitting a nearby tree, bounces onto the roof of the greenkeeper’s shed, back out onto the fairway and towards the same pond that Moses and Jesus hit. Before it gets wet, the ball ricochets off a small rock and bounces onto a lily pad on over the water when a bullfrog jumped up and ate the ball. Right at that moment, a bald eagle swoops down and grabs the frog, flying away. As it flew over the green, the frog squeals with fright and drops the ball right next to the flagstick, taking one bounce and landing in the cup for an astounding hole in one.

In disgust, Moses then turns to Jesus and says, “I hate playing with your Dad.”

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A Tough Golf Shot

F&J Staff — Fri, 17 Jul 2009 18:52:22 +0000

Bill was playing golf one afternoon with his wife, Emma, and hit a nasty slice off the second tee – landing in an impossible lie in front of the greenkeeper’s shed. Being helpful, his wife suggested “No need to take a penalty shot darling, just open both the front and back doors and push the tractor out. Then, you’ll can hit hit it straight through the shed with a 3 iron.”

“Brilliant idea darling!” and with that, Bill took a mighty whack at the ball, which struck the rear of the building – bouncing off and hitting his wife in the head, killing her stone dead.

A few years later, Bill was plahing the same hole with his new wife… and by sheer coincidence landed at the exact same place in front of the shed.

“No need to take a penalty shot,” said his new wife, “we can push the tractor out and open both sets of doors. You can hit straight through the shed!”

“No way,” he said. “Last time I tried that I ended up with a triple bogey!”

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Honey, I Found Your Golf Ball

F&J Staff — Thu, 30 Oct 2008 09:36:30 +0000

A man staggers into an emergency room with a concussion, multiple bruises, two black eyes and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat. Naturally, the doctor asks him what happened.

“Well, it was like this,” said the man. “I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife, when at a difficult hole, we both sliced our balls into a pasture of cows. We went to look for them, and while I was rooting around, noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end. I walked over and lifted up the tail, and sure enough, there was a golf ball with my wife’s monogram on it– stuck right in the middle of the cow’s butt.” “That’s when I made my big mistake.” “What did you do?” asks the doctor.

“Well, I lifted the cow’s tail again and yelled to my wife, “Hey, this looks like yours!” “I don’t remember much after that!”

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Funny FedEx Golf Commercial

F&J Staff — Tue, 28 Oct 2008 14:13:49 +0000

If you’re a golf fan, you’ll get it. I can totally see this happening to me at some point. Afterall, golfing is much more fun when you’re supposed to be doing something else.

Click here to view the embedded video.

By the way, we have a whole section full of golf jokes. Check ‘em out, especially since winter is coming and many of you won’t be able to hit the links for a while.

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Anything To Make Marriage Work

F&J Staff — Mon, 22 Sep 2008 14:51:35 +0000

Seems that, after all these years, the romance and love just wasn’t what it used to be for John and Jane. In an attempt to salvage their thirty years of marriage, Jane convices her husband to see a marriage counciler with her.

The counselor asks first asks Jane what she feels the problem is, and before he can even finish his sentece she goes into a tirade listing every single problem the couple has ever had – even before things went south. She goes on and on for nearly an hour, and finishes in tears.

Finally, the counselor gets up from his couch, walks over to Jane, embraces her and begins to kiss her passionately. The woman quiets down, immediately, and sits there in a daze.

The counselor then turns to the John and says, “Your wife needs this at least three times a week. For the sake of your marriage, can you can do this?” The husband ponders this question for a moment, and confidentally replies, “I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays… but on Fridays, I play golf.”

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Golfing With A Hitman

F&J Staff — Tue, 25 Mar 2008 11:11:05 +0000

Three friends were playing golf one beautiful Sunday morning, as usual, and they never missed a weekend. As one of them was about to take the first tee a guy, by himself, asked if he could join their flight. The friends looked at each other and figured “sure, why not,” as they haven’t played with anyone else in quite some time.

So they teed off and all four were getting along pretty well. Right about the turn, on the 9th hole, they were all chit chatting and getting to know one another. Curious, one of the friends asked the new guy what he did for a living and, funny enough, he told them he was a hitman. They all kind of laughed it off, and asked him again – this time seriously.

The stranger said “No really, I’m hitman. My gun is in my golf bag, I carry it everywhere I go. You can take a look if you don’t believe me, I’ve never been dishonest.”

So one of the guys in the group decided to take him up on the offer and, opening the bag, sure enough revealed a really nice rifle with huge scope mounted at the top. He got all excited about it. He said “WOW! I bet I can see my house through here! May I look through it?”

“Sure,” said the stranger.

So the man looked around for a second and said “HELL YEAH! You can! I can even see through my windows into my bedroom. There’s my wife, naked. Sweet! Isn’t she beautiful? WAIT! There’s my next door neighbor! He’s naked too! And he’s in my room!”

This upset the golfer, terribly, so he asked the hitman how much he would charge for a hit. The hit man replied “It’s $1000 every time I pull the trigger.” The man said “$1000, ouch! Well, OK. I want two hits. I want you to shoot my wife right in the mouth. She’s always nagging at me and I can’t stand it. Then I want you to shoot my neighbor right in the crotch, for screwing around with my wife.”

The hit man agrees, gears up and takes aim through the scope. He’s looking for what has to be 10 minutes. The golfer begins to get impatient and asks the hitman what he’s waiting for. The hitman replies kind of anxiously, “Just hold on a minute… I’m about to save you a thousand bucks!”

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A Round Of Golf On Christmas Morning

F&J Staff — Sun, 04 Nov 2007 16:49:54 +0000

Four old-timers were playing their weekly game of golf when one one of them commented on how nice it would be to wake up on Christmas morning, roll out of bed – and without an argument, go directly to the golf course to meet his buddies for 18 holes. All three of his friends unanimously agree, “Let’s do it! We’ll make it a priority, figure out a way and meet here early Christmas morning!”

A few weeks later it’s Christmas morning – and there all are standing next to each other on the first tee box. One friend exclaims “Boy this game cost me a fortune! I had to buy my wife such a huge diamond ring, she can’t even take her eyes off it.” Another friend says, “I spent a ton, too. My wife is at home planning the cruise I gave her. She was up to her eyeballs in brochures.” The third friend replies “Well, my wife is at home admiring her new car… reading the manual.” Silence from the fourth guy…

The other three friends in the group look puzzled, while the final guy in the foursome is staring at them like they must have lost their minds. “I can’t believe you all went to such and expense for a round of golf. I just woke up, slapped her on the butt and said, ‘Well babe, Merry Christmas! Golf or sex, what’s it gonna be?” and she said “Take a sweater.”

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Teeing Off With A Mercedes Benz

F&J Staff — Wed, 31 Oct 2007 13:58:16 +0000

On a golf tour in Newfoundland, Tiger Woods drives his Mercedes Benz into a gas station in a remote part of the island.

The attendant at the pump greets him in a typical Newfoundland manner, completely unaware of who the golf pro is.

“Mornin’ bye” says the attendant.

Tiger nods a quick “hello” and bends forward to pick up the nozzle.

As he does so, two tees fall out out of his shirt pocket onto the ground.

“What are dey den, son?” asks the attendant.

“They’re called tees” replies Tiger.

“Well, what on de good earth are dey for?” inquires the Newfie.

“They’re for resting my balls on when I’m driving” says Tiger.

“Freeckin Jaysus” says the Newfie, “Dem boys at Mercedes tink of everything”.

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My Wife, The Caddy

F&J Staff — Tue, 18 Sep 2007 15:12:19 +0000

The room was full of pregnant women and their partners, and the Lamaze class was in full swing. The instructor was teaching the women how to breathe properly, along with informing the men how to give the necessary assurances at this stage of the plan.

The teacher then announced, “Ladies, exercise is good for you. Walking is especially beneficial. And, gentlemen, it wouldn’t hurt you to take the time to go walking with your partner!”

The room really got quiet. Finally, a man in the middle of the group raised his hand.

“Yes?” replied the teacher.

“Is it ok if she carries a golf bag while we walk?”

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Golf Rules For Beginners

F&J Staff — Thu, 30 Aug 2007 14:12:21 +0000

Being an avid golfer myself, like most I enjoy pushing my knowledge onto those who don’t really want to hear it. My friends like to call me a “fountain of knowledge”, so today’s your lucky day! There are a few things about golf you need to know, about etiquette and stuff.

Keep your back straight, knees bent and feet shoulder width apart.
Form a loose grip.
Keep your head down.
Avoid a quick back swing.
Stay out of the water.
Try not to hit anyone.
If you are taking too long, please let others go ahead of you.
Don’t stand directly in front of others.
Quiet please… while others are preparing to go.
Don’t take extra strokes.

Very good. Now flush the urinal, go outside, and tee off.

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