Funny and Jokes » Jokes

A Man Walks Into A Bar With An Alligator On A Leash

F&J Staff — Fri, 03 Feb 2012 20:23:03 +0000

The bartender says "You can't have that thing in here! Get out!" The guy says "It's okay, this Alligator is highly trained. Just give me a few seconds and I'll show you."

The bartender, intrigued, gives him the go-ahead. The man gingerly lifts the alligator up onto a table. By this point, everybody in the bar is gawking at this strange man and his pet.

The man grins around the room. Having a new audience, he clears his throat and says "This is Allie the Amazing Alligator, and he is so well-trained that I can do this," He balls up his fist and gives the alligator a swift crack on the head. "OPEN!" He says. The alligator opens his mouth. Before the bartender can do anything, the man unzips his fly and whips it out. He gingerly places his penis in the front of the alligator's gaping maw. He wallops the alligator once more and says "CLOSE!" And the alligator ever-so-gently closes his terrifying jaws comfortably around his junk. One last time, he raps his head and says "OPEN!" He removes his unharmed manhood, and tucks it safely back into his pants.

The crowd applauds, and he takes a bow. With all eyes still focused on him, he says "Now, any of you guys have the balls to do that, I'll buy you a drink and give you fifty dollars." Silence falls over the bar, and everyone looks around for someone who might be willing to take the bet. After a few endless, uncomfortable seconds, A little dude in the back slowly raises his hand and says "I'll do it, but you have to promise not to hit me so hard."

Similar Funny Jokes You Might Like:

Alligator Shoes A young blonde was on vacation in the depths of...
A Pirate Walks Into A Bar So this pirate walks into a bar, his old favorite...
Blonde Walks Into The Library A blonde walks into the library. She walks up to...

Those Dirty Pirates

F&J Staff — Sat, 14 Jan 2012 16:26:14 +0000

A pirate is starting his first day aboard his new ship and the captain is giving him the tour. ''There's the plank for trouble makers, there's the deck that needs swabbing everyday and there's the barrel for all you sexual needs.''

''Whatcha mean? my sexual needs?''

''Well, you stick your willy in the hole and you'll be serviced, anytime you want, except for Wednesdays.''

''What happens on Wednesdays?''

''It's your turn in the barrel...''

Similar Funny Jokes You Might Like:

Yo Mama Is So Dirty Yo mama is so dirty she has to creep up...
Yo Mama House Is So Dirty Yo mama house is so dirty you can't tell where...
Camel Rider A well respected Captain in the Marines was transferred to a remote...

What A Scary Flight

F&J Staff — Fri, 13 Jan 2012 21:46:59 +0000

After waiting for what seemed like an eternity, the stewardess announces over the intercom that "we're just waiting for the pilots."

The passengers look out the window and see two men, dressed as pilots walking towards the plane. Both men are using guide dogs and appear to be blind. There are murmurs among the passengers, and some believe it is a joke.

The men board the plane and go into the cockpit. More concerned murmurs and uneasy chuckles from the passengers. The plane taxis normally to the runway and begins it's takeoff. As passengers look out the window they realize they are nearing the end of the runway. The entire passenger cabin begins screaming but the plane lifts off just before the end of the runway. The passengers calm down and chuckle to themselves, at this point believing that they fell for a joke.

In the cockpit, the pilot turns to his copilot and says "you know, one day those people are gonna scream too late and we're all gonna die!"

Similar Funny Jokes You Might Like:

Blind Pilots One day at a busy airport, the passengers on a...
A Blonde’s Flight To Chicago A commercial airplane is in flight to Chicago, when a blonde...
Gay Flight Attendant My flight was being served by an obviously gay flight...

Getting Bank of America By The Balls

F&J Staff — Tue, 22 Nov 2011 01:27:11 +0000

A little old lady walks into Bank of America and asks to open a savings account. The new accounts receptionist first thinks this is strange, probably because everyone is leaving them for credit unions now. At any rate, the accounts person asks her how much she wanted to deposit to open the account, and the little old lady replies, "Three million dollars." The accounts person is startled, and says, "In what form?" and the little old lady says, "Cash. I've got it right here in this bag..."

The accounts person looks and, sure enough, the lady has a big grocery bag just chock full of green stuff with big denominations. In light of this highly unusual event, the accounts person excuses herself to get the president of the bank involved. He arrives, and escorts the little old lady to his office to handle it personally. Once in his office, he asks the little old lady where she got so much money. She says, "Gambling."

"Gambling?", he says. "What sort of gambling?"

"Oh, I make bets with people on all sorts of things, and I usually win. For example, I've got $100,000 right here that says that by noon tomorrow your balls will be square, and I'll even give you 10:1 odds. You got $10,000 you'd be willing to wager on that?" The bank president is shocked at this sort of thing coming from a sweet little old lady, but he didn't get to be the president of Bank of America without knowing a thing or two about money. "I suppose I could come up with enough to cover that wager, but I wouldn't feel right taking it from you... there's just no way you could win that bet!" The little old lady just shook the bag and said, "I know what I'm doing... and I can afford to lose! Is it a bet?"

"OK, have it your way", said the president, and they shook hands on it." See you at 11:55 tomorrow morning", said the little old lady, and with that she left.

Next morning at 11:55 the little old lady arrives with a younger man in a three-piece suit, and is escorted to the bank president's office. The president is a nervous wreck, though a happy one. He'd gotten almost no sleep the night before, waking every few minutes to feel his balls to check for impending squareness, but nothing happened all night. He had checked hundreds of times that morning, but still nothing; perfectly normal. When the little old lady arrived he started to relax, knowing he had won. "Come in, please have a seat! Who might this gentleman be?" said the president. "He's my lawyer. For a bet of this size I want to have a witness. Any objections?"

"No, perfectly understandable", said the president. "Well, it's now noon, and I'm still unchanged, so I guess I win!" he said happily.

"Not so fast!" said the little old lady. "For a hundred grand I want to verify things personally! Please, drop your pants!"

The bank president is a bit flustered, but agrees that in her position he'd want proof as well, so he drops his pants. The little old lady goes over to him and reaches out to feel the organs in question. "OK, you win, here's your $100,000," says the little old lady, handing over a bag of bills. As she does so, her lawyer starts banging his head against the wall and moaning.

"What's wrong with him?" asks the bank president.

"Oh, he's just upset... sore loser if you ask me. You see, I had a bet for $1,000,000 with him that I would have the President of Bank of America by the balls by noon today!"

Similar Funny Jokes You Might Like:

Green Balls A blonde golfer goes into the pro shop and looks...
Nymphomaniacs of America A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As...
Political Puppies President Clinton is out jogging, and he encounters a man...

The Eskimo and Scotsman

F&J Staff — Thu, 03 Nov 2011 14:49:20 +0000

One afternoon, in a land where Eskimos and Scotsman run into each other on the highway fairly often, an Eskimo was driving down the road when his truck breaks down. Shortly after, a friendly Scotsman pulls off to the side of the road to help him.

Upon inspecting the smoking engine, the Scot proclaims to the Eskimo, "I looks like you blew a seal!"

Abashed, the Eskimo replied, "Yeah! Well... you guys screw sheep!"

Similar Funny Jokes You Might Like:

Travelling Ventriloquist On A Farm A travelling ventriloquist on the road in between jobs decided...
Artificial Insemination During a moment of brilliance, and a man buys several...
Knock Knock #10 Knock Knock Who's there ! Ears ! Ears who ?...

The Not So Stupid Monkey

F&J Staff — Thu, 27 Oct 2011 15:30:54 +0000

A man walks in a bar with his pet monkey. He sits down and orders a drink, meanwhile the monkey is running around all over the place and jumps up on a pool table. He grabs the 8 ball, shoves it into his mouth and swallows it hole.

"Holy crap!" says the bartender, completely livid. He says to the man, "Did you see what your stupid monkey just did?"

"Nope. What did he do this time?" says the man.

"He just swallowed one of the balls off the pool table, whole!" says the bartender.

"Yeah, well I hope it kills him 'cause he's been driving me nuts" says the man.

After finishing his drink, the man leaves.

A few weeks later the man returns to the bar with his monkey. After ordering a drink, the monkey starts running wild around the bar again. Up on the bar, he monkey finds some peanuts. He grabs one out of the bowl, sticks it up his butt, then pulls it out and eats it. The bartender is disgusted.

"Did you see what your stupid monkey did this time?" he asks.

"What now?" responds the man.

"He stuck a peanut up his butt, then pulled it out and ate it!" says the bartender.

"Well, what do you expect?" replied the man. "Ever since he ate that pool ball he measures everything first!"

Similar Funny Jokes You Might Like:

That Monkey Will Eat Anything A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey,...
Monkey Butt Tattoo Ok, seriously... what was he (or she?) thinking? Granted it's...
Life’s Tough When You’re Stupid A classroom full of first year Veterinary students were participating in their...

Harvard vs. Yale

F&J Staff — Tue, 13 Sep 2011 15:16:53 +0000

Two gentleman walked into the men's locker room at their prestigious country club; one was wearing a Harvard jacket, the other a Yale pullover. After taking a leak, the Harvard man stopped to wash his hands--while the Yale man walked towards the door.

The Harvard man looked at the Yale man disapprovingly. "At Harvard, we take care to wash our hands after using the lavatory."

"Well," the Yale man replied, "at Yale, we know not to piss on our hands."

Similar Funny Jokes You Might Like:

Military Restroom Two military guys go into a restroom. One is in...
Your Dog Is Dead A man rushed into the veterinarian's office carrying his dog,...
Drunk Poker A man walked into a bar room one day. He...

And God Created Woman

F&J Staff — Mon, 29 Aug 2011 15:33:28 +0000

One fine morning in the Garden of Eden, God looked down upon Adam and noticed that he was looking glum. So the Lord said to Adam "What troubles you, my Son?"

Adam looked up to God ad said "I'm lonely, Father. I have no one to talk to."

So God said "Then I shall give you a companion, and she will cook and clean for you, and wash your clothes. She shall bear your children and never wake you in the middle of the night to take care of them. She will give you love and compassion whenever you want it. She will not nag at you, and will always be the first to admit she is wrong if you two ever disagree. She will love and support you no matter what, and always agree with any important decision you make. She shall be called a 'woman.'

Intrigued, Adam asked God "What shall this woman cost, Father?"

God replied "One arm and one leg, my son."

Adam pondered this question for a minute, and with the seriousness that only comes from complete certainty, he answered... "Hmm, what can I get for just a rib?"

Similar Funny Jokes You Might Like:

How To Impress A Woman Let's face it. Men don't know anything about women. We...
And God Created Man And God created woman. She had two arms, two legs...
A Real Woman On a trans-atlantic flight, a plane was passing through a...

Johnny Has A Sweet Tooth

F&J Staff — Fri, 03 Jun 2011 20:24:36 +0000

One fine afternoon a gentleman was walking down the street; and as he came around the corner he spotted a young boy sitting in front of the local candy shop. As he approached, he realized it was his neighbor's kid - Little Johnny.

The boy was shoving sweet tarts and chocolate bars down his throat as fast as possible, so much that it prompted the man to offer some advice: "You know, Johnny, it's not healthy to eat all that candy."

Little Johnny looks up at him and quickly retorts "You know, my grampa lived to be 96 years old."

"Oh," the man replied, "did he eat lots of candy?"

"Nope," retorted Little Johnny, "he minded his own damn business!"

Similar Funny Jokes You Might Like:

Stick It Out Johnny One day the teacher walked to the back of the...
Little Johnny Wants Some Ice Cream Little Johnny rushes home from school. He invades the fridge...
Little Johnny: Contagious In A Sentence At school one day, Little Johnny's teacher asks the class...

The Compassionate Lawyer

F&J Staff — Mon, 23 May 2011 20:09:06 +0000

Driving through town in his BMW, a successful young lawyer spotted two man on the side of the road eating grass out of somebody's yard. Moved by how desperate the men had become, he pulls over to have a word with them,

"Hey fellas, what is going on? Why are you eating grass?" asks the lawyer.

"We're down on our luck, have no jobs and are very poor!", they both respond.

"Well then, come with me" the lawyer insists. "I'll do what I can to help, after all - it's clear you're desperate and you're clearly willing to do what it takes to get by."

After a fifteen minute drive, the two poor men arrive at a beautiful estate on five acres of land right on the 18th hole of a prestigious golf course. They became excited at the chance to finally get some work.

"Sir, we can't thank you enough! Thank you so much for this opportunity. We will make you happy!" they exclaimed with joy!

"Ah, it's no problem. I'm just happy to help." replied the compassionate lawyer. You can eat all the grass you want, it's got to be at least a foot tall by now!"

Similar Funny Jokes You Might Like:

Short Lawyer Jokes So how about a few short lawyer jokes? These are...
Honest Lawyer A lawyer named Impos Syble was shopping for a tombstone....
More Lawyer Q and A Q: How many lawyers does it take to stop a...