Funny and Jokes » Dirty Jokes

Dear Employees

F&J Staff — Fri, 14 Aug 2009 14:01:04 +0000

So I'm at work yesterday and the mailclerk starts handing out letters from upper management. At this point, I'm thinking "Oh crap, how am I gonna tell my family I got laid off?" Fortunately, I'm only 29 years old. You'll understand when you read the letter.

Due to the current financial situation caused by the slowdown of economy, Management has decided to implement a scheme to put workers of 40 years of age and above on early retirement. This scheme will be known as RAPE (Retire Aged People Early).

Persons selected to be RAPED can apply to management to be eligible for the SHAFT scheme (Special Help After Forced Termination). Persons who have been RAPED and SHAFTED will be reviewed under the SCREW programme (Scheme Covering Retired Early Workers). A person may be RAPED once, SHAFTED twice and SCREWED as many times as Management deems appropriate.

Persons who have been RAPED can only get AIDS (Additional Income for Dependants & Spouse) or HERPES (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel Early Severance).
Obviously persons who have AIDS or HERPES will not be SHAFTED or SCREWED any further by Management.

Persons who are not RAPED and are staying on will receive as much SHIT (Special High Intensity Training) as possible. Management has always prided itself on the amount of SHIT it gives employees. Should you feel that you do not receive enough SHIT, please bring to the attention of your Manager. They have been trained to give you all the SHIT you can get.

Great, as if I didn't get enough shit already....

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Tampons, Yea That’d Be Fun

F&J Staff — Tue, 09 Jun 2009 14:37:01 +0000

A couple of older bums are relaxing on a park bench, bored out of their minds. They're not the brightest of crayons, but are known to be pretty resourceful - especially when bored.

So one of them says to the other, "What are we gonna do today?"

The other replies, "Well, how much money have you got?"

They both rummage through their pockets, emptying several days worth of lint and toothpics, managing to put together about four dollars and some change.

The first one says, "We can't do much with 4 bucks. Maybe we should just go home?"

The other, excited, replies, "Nah! Let's go buy a box of tampons!"

"Tampons? What are we gonna do with tampons?"

"Haven't you seen those TV commercials? With tampons we can run, and hike and swim, even go dancing. We need some tampons!"

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Or What?

F&J Staff — Wed, 13 May 2009 14:18:34 +0000

A man comes to his doctor and tells him that his wife hasn't had sex with him for 6 months. The doctor tells the man to bring his wife in so he can talk to her. So the wife comes into the doctors office and the doc asks her what's wrong, and why doesn't she want to have sex with her husband anymore.

The wife tells him, "For the past 6 months, every morning I take a cab to work. I don't have any money so the cab driver asks me, 'So are you going to pay today or what?' so I take a 'or what'. When I get to work I'm late so the boss asks me, 'So are we going to write this down in the book or what?' so I take a 'or what'.

Back home again I take the cab and again I don't have any money so the cab driver asks me again, 'So are you going to pay this time or what?' so again I take a 'or what'. So you see doc when I get home I'm all tired out, and I don't want it any more."

The doctor thinks for a second and then turns to the wife and says, "So are we going to tell your husband or what?"

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Little Johnny’s Playing Partner

F&J Staff — Wed, 13 May 2009 14:12:55 +0000

Little Johnny is walking down the hall when he hears a noise from his parents room. He knocks on the door and asks his mom what's going on. "Playing cards," she replies. "Who's your partner?" asked little johnny. "Your father!"

Content with his answer, Little Johnny walks further down the hall towards his room when he hears the same noise coming from his sister's room. Again, he knocks on the door and asked his sister what was she doing. "Playing cards." "With who?" he asks. "My boyfriend!" she says.

A short while later, Little Johnny's father is walking down the hall and hears a noise coming from Little Johnny's room. He knocks on the door and asks "What are you doing?" "Playing cards!" replied Johnny. "Who's your partner?" asked his father...

Little Johnny answers promptly, "With a hand like this who needs a partner?"

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The Duck Hunter

F&J Staff — Wed, 29 Apr 2009 19:43:51 +0000

A duck hunter was out in the marsh, enjoying the beautiful hunting weather when he felt the urge to relieve himself. So he walked over to the bushes and propped his gun against a tree. Suddenly, a strong gust of wind blew and knocked his gun over, discharging it and shooting him in the genitals.

Awaking several hours later in a hospital bed, our duck hunter is approached by his doctor. "Sir," the doc begins "I have some good news and some bad news. The good news is there's no internal damage, and we were able to remove all of the buckshot."

"Wow, that's great!" replied the hunter. "So what's the bad news?"

"The bad news is that there was some pretty extensive buckshot damage done to your penis. I'm going to have to refer you to my sister."

"Oh, well that's not so bad I guess," the hunter replied. "Is your sister a plastic surgeon?"

"Not exactly." answered the doctor. "She's a flute player in the local symphony, and she's gonna to teach you where to put your fingers so you don't pee in your eye."

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13 Margeritas

not yo daddy — Wed, 01 Apr 2009 15:05:05 +0000

A guy walks into a bar and asks for 13 margaritas. The bartender abruptly replies, "Wow sir, that sure is a lot, whats the occasion?"

So the guy sits down on a stool, hangs his head and tells the curious bartender, "Well, my first blow job." The bartender smiles and replies, "Yea, that's a splendid occasion indeed. Let me get you one more drink, on the house!"

"Nah," the guy replies... "If thirteen doesn't get the taste out, nothing will."

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What Would You Do?

F&J Staff — Wed, 11 Mar 2009 20:26:19 +0000

A middle-aged man returns home from a business trip a day early, concerned that his wife may be having an affair. He's riding in a taxi at about 2:00 in the morning back towards his house, when he explains his situation to the taxi driver.

It's after midnight. While en route home he asks the cabby if he would be a witness.

He explains to the cabbie that he suspects his wife is sleeping around on him, and offers the him $50 if he would be a witness to the affair, if he could catch her in bed with him. By the time they reach his house, the cabbie agrees.

They park a few doors down and, quietly, sneak into the front door and up the stairs. Then, with a burst of speed, the husband flicks on the bedroom lights and rips the blanket off the bed - and there his wife lays in bed with another man!

Out of his coat pocket, the visibly distraught husband pulls out a gun and puts it to the naked man's head. Just then, his wife yells "Don't do it! I lied when I told you I inherited all that money!..."

HE paid for the Mercedes I gave you.
HE paid for our new cabin in the mountains.
HE paid for your Atlanta Braves season tickets.
HE paid for our our lakehouse and boat.
HE paid for your country club membership, and and HE even pays the monthly dues!'

Shaking his head, unsure of whether to pull the trigger, he looks over at the taxi driver and asks "What should I do?"

The taxi driver replies, "I'd cover him with that blanket before he catches a cold."

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Something Special For His Birthday

F&J Staff — Sun, 11 Jan 2009 14:47:45 +0000

It was Jim's birthday, and he was considered to be an "old man" by his friends standards. So, to liven him up a bit, Jim's friends decided to give him something special for his birthday. They bought him a hooker.

The call girl, as she preferred to be called, went to his house and knocked on the door. When Jim answered, she said "Hi I'm your birthday present!"

Startled, he asked "What am I supposed to do with you?"

"I'm yours for super sex," she answers.

So Jim replied "Well, I'm 75 years old so I'll have the soup."

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Do You Believe In Ghosts?

F&J Staff — Sat, 13 Dec 2008 18:09:53 +0000

A professor at Auburn University is giving a seminar on the supernatural. Getting a feel for his students, he asks "How many of you believein ghosts?" About 80 of his students raise their hands.

"That's a good start I suppose. Those of you who believe in ghosts, how many have actually seen a ghost?" About 30 students raise their hands.

"That's good. I'm really glad you're taking this seriously. Ok, has anyone here ever talked to a ghost?" About a dozen students raise their hands.

"That's a great response. Has anyone ever touched a ghost?" Two students raise their hands. "That's fantastic. But let me ask you one last question... have any of you ever made love to a ghost?"

One student in the back raises his hand. The professor is astonished. He removes his glasses, takes a step back, and says, "Son, in all the years I've been giving this lecture, no one has ever actually claimed to have slept with a ghost. Why don't you come up here and tell us about it."

The redneck student replies with a nod and a grin, and begins to make his way up to the podium. The professor says, "Well, tell us what it's like to have sex with a ghost."

The student replies, "Ghost? Oh... I thought you said 'goats'!"

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A Wife’s Special Birthday Present

F&J Staff — Sun, 16 Nov 2008 04:34:01 +0000

A wife decides to take her husband to a strip club for his birthday. They arrive at the club and the doorman says, "Hey, John! How ya doin'?" His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before. "Oh, no," says John. "He's on my bowling team."

When they are seated, a waitress asks John if he'd like his usual and brings over a Budweiser. His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says,"How did she know that you drink Budweiser?" "She's in the Ladies' Bowling League, honey. We share lanes with them."

A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around John, and says "Hi Johnny. Want your usual table dance, big boy?" John's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club.

John follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her. He tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it. She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every name in the book.

The cabby turns his head and says, "Looks like you picked up a real b*tch tonight, John."

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