The passengers look out the window and see two men, dressed as pilots walking towards the plane. Both men are using guide dogs and appear to be blind. There are murmurs among the passengers, and some believe it is a joke.

The men board the plane and go into the cockpit. More concerned murmurs and uneasy chuckles from the passengers. The plane taxis normally to the runway and begins it's takeoff. As passengers look out the window they realize they are nearing the end of the runway. The entire passenger cabin begins screaming but the plane lifts off just before the end of the runway. The passengers calm down and chuckle to themselves, at this point believing that they fell for a joke.

In the cockpit, the pilot turns to his copilot and says "you know, one day those people are gonna scream too late and we're all gonna die!"

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Adam looked up to God ad said "I'm lonely, Father. I have no one to talk to."

So God said "Then I shall give you a companion, and she will cook and clean for you, and wash your clothes. She shall bear your children and never wake you in the middle of the night to take care of them. She will give you love and compassion whenever you want it. She will not nag at you, and will always be the first to admit she is wrong if you two ever disagree. She will love and support you no matter what, and always agree with any important decision you make. She shall be called a 'woman.'

Intrigued, Adam asked God "What shall this woman cost, Father?"

God replied "One arm and one leg, my son."

Adam pondered this question for a minute, and with the seriousness that only comes from complete certainty, he answered... "Hmm, what can I get for just a rib?"

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"Hey fellas, what is going on? Why are you eating grass?" asks the lawyer.

"We're down on our luck, have no jobs and are very poor!", they both respond.

"Well then, come with me" the lawyer insists. "I'll do what I can to help, after all - it's clear you're desperate and you're clearly willing to do what it takes to get by."

After a fifteen minute drive, the two poor men arrive at a beautiful estate on five acres of land right on the 18th hole of a prestigious golf course. They became excited at the chance to finally get some work.

"Sir, we can't thank you enough! Thank you so much for this opportunity. We will make you happy!" they exclaimed with joy!

"Ah, it's no problem. I'm just happy to help." replied the compassionate lawyer. You can eat all the grass you want, it's got to be at least a foot tall by now!"

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You let your fourteen year old daughter smoke clove cigarettes at the dinner table in front of her kids.

You've got more than one brother named "Vlad".

You've got more than three cousins named "Lestat".

You think safe sex is padded handcuffs.

You've refused to watch the Academy Awards since "Bram Stoker's Dracula" was snubbed for Best Picture.

The Blue Book value of your hearse goes up and down depending on how much gas you have in it.

You think a seven course meal is six clove cigarettes and a bottle of absinthe.

One of your kids was born in a cemetery.

You have spray painted your girlfriend's name on a mausoleum.

Your lifetime goal is to raise a brood of vampire bats.

Your buckle boots weigh more than eight pounds each.

You think the three primary colors are: Black #1, Black #1 and Black #1

Your hearse has a two-tone paint job: Matte Black and Gloss Black

You can't get married to your sweetheart because there's a law against marrying the dead.

You refer to the day you won a case of black lipstick as, "The day your ship came in".

You have the number to the local blood bank on speed dial.

Your coffin used to be a meat freezer.

You do your serious Christmas shopping with a shovel in the cemetery.

You think that God looks a lot like Bela Lugosi and that Heaven looks a lot like Transylvania.

You have the words, "Good Evening", in your answering machine message.

You've ever named your child after a vampire.

You have more buckles on your clothes and boots than fingers and toes.

You have a Dracula Jell-O mold.

Your child's first words were: "I bid you welcome".

The fountain at your wedding spewed blood instead of champagne.

You wear fishnet stockings under your vinyl jeans.

Your deceased cat's tombstone is bigger than your grandfather's.

Your boots cost more than your wedding ring.

You proposed in a mortuary.

Your bridal veil was made out of fishnet.

You tell everyone your wife is the reincarnation of Elizabeth Bathory.

You tell your lover to scream like a staked vampire to start foreplay.

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"Whoah! That's crazy!", said the guy. "Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the World Series, the biggest day in all of baseball, and not even bother show up?"

Sadly, the man says, "Well... the seat actually belongs to me. I was supposed to come here with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first World Series we've missed since we got married in 1964."

"Oh, I'm so sorry to hear that. What a shame. But couldn't you find someone else - a friend or relative or even a neighbor to take the seat?"

"Nah," the man replies as he shakes his head, "they're all at the funeral."

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"Well, John, that pig...," his eyes mist up, "That pig's a mighty special pig! A few weeks back a wild boar attacked me while I was walking in the woods. That pig there came a runnin', went after that boar and fought him off. Saved my life!"

"And the boar tore up his leg?" "No, just got a few scratches, nothing serious. But that night the barn caught fire. That ol' pig started squealin' like he was stuck, woke us up, and 'fore we got out here, the darn thing had herded the other animals out of the barn and saved 'em all!"

"So that's when he hurt his leg, huh, Henry?" "No, John, the next day my tractor hit a rock and rolled down the hill into the pond. I got knocked clean out. When I came to, that pig had dove into the pond and dragged me out."

"...but that's not how he hurt his leg." "Oh no, no, he was fine. Cleaned him up real nice, too."

"Okay, Henry. So just tell me. How did he lose his leg?"

"Well", the farmer tells him, "A pig that good, you don't want to eat all at once."

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His dad thought about it for a moment, then replied, "I really don't know, son."

The boy sat quietly from another moment, then turned back to his dad and asked, "How does our boat float on the water?"

Once again his dad replied, "Don’t know, son."

Pondering his thoughts again, a short while later, the boy asks "Why is the sky blue?"

Again, his dad replied. "Don’t know, son."

The inquisitive boy, worried he was annoying his father, asks this time "Dad, do you mind that I'm asking you all of these questions?"

"Of course not son." replied his dad,  "How else are you ever going to learn anything?"

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A: Such number as may be deemed necessary to perform the stated task in a timely and efficient manner within the strictures of the following agreement. Whereas the party of the first part, also known as 'the lawyers' and the party of the second part, also known as 'the light bulb' do hereby agree to a transaction wherein the party of the second part shall be removed from the current position as a result of failure to perform previously agreed upon duties, i.e. the lighting, elucidation, and otherwise illumination of the area ranging from the front (North) door, through the entryway, terminating at an area just through the primary living area, demarcated by the beginning of the carpet, any spillover illumination being at the option of the party of the second part and not required by the aforementioned agreement between the parties. The aforementioned removal transaction shall include, but not be limited to, the following steps:

1. The party of the first part shall, with or without elevation at his option, by means of a chair, step stool, ladder or any other means of elevation, grasp the party of the second part and rotate the party of the second part in a counter clockwise direction, said direction being non-negotiable. Said grasping and rotation of the party of the second part shall be undertaken by the party of the first part to maintain the structural integrity of the party of the second part, notwithstanding the aforementioned failure of the party of the second part to perform the customary and agreed upon duties. The foregoing notwithstanding, however, both parties stipulate that structural failure of the party of the second part may be incidental to the aforementioned failure to perform and in such case the party of the first part shall be held blameless for such structural failure insofar as the non-negotiable directional codicil is observed by the party of the first part throughout.

2. Upon reaching a point where the party of the second part becomes seperated from the party of the third part, also known as the 'receptacle', the party of the first part shall have the option of disposing of the party of the second part in a manner consistent with all applicable state, local, and federal statutes.

3. Once separation and disposal have been achieved, the party of the first part shall have the option of beginning the installation of the party of the fourth part, also known as 'new light bulb'. This installation shall occur in a manner consistent with the reverse procedures described in step one of this self same document, being careful to note that the rotation should occur in a clockwise direction, said direction also being non-negotiable and only until the party of the fourth part becomes snug in the party of the third part and in fact becomes the party of the second part.

Note: The above described steps may be performed, at the option of the party of the first part, by said party of the first part, or by his or her heirs and assigns, or by any and all persons authorized by him or her to do sum the objective being to produce a level of illumination in the immediate vicinity of the aforementioned front (North) door consistent with maximisation of ingress and revenue for the party of the fifth part, also known as 'The Firm'.

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10. Pull into a gas station and use the window washer to wash your entire car.

9. Ask a bank teller to break a $100 bill for you. Then when asked how you want it done say, "in hundreds".

8. Call a political candidate's campaign office and ask them for a donation to your non-candidacAy.

7. Ask a security guard how it feels knowing that in all the action movies the security guards are always the first to die.

6. When you get credit card offers in the mail, stuff the prepaid envelopes with toilet paper and mail them back. (whether you use new or used toilet paper is totally up to you.)

5. Call your bank and ask them to add your checking account onto the $700 billion government bail out plan.

4. Find someone who is big into worrying about the threat of global warming, remind them of their own carbon dioxide and body heat contribution to the planet, and ask them to stop it.

3. Ask a judge if you can get away with murder as long as you can convince a jury of your peers ahead of time that it is justified.

2. Send a bill to every TV station, radio station, cell phone company, and satellite company, charging them an "access fee" for the waves they broadcast through your property. If they refuse payment, charge them with trespassing.

And the #1 Sarcastic Dare...

1. Circulate a petition to put "intelligent human beings" on the endangered species list.

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The officer took off after the speeder and soon had the car pulled over on the side of the road. Expecting trouble with such a reckless driver, the patrolman approached cautiously.

To his surprise the driver of the offending vehicle was a little old lady, barely tall enough to see over the steering wheel.

"Ma'am," the officer began. "Do you know how fast you were going?"

"I was just getting her up around 90, I believe, officer," the old lady answered calmly, peering up at him through her bifocals. "Why, what seems to be the problem?"

Shocked, the officer returned her comment, "What seems to be the problem? Why, this is a 35mph zone! That's the problem. Didn't you see the sign?"

"Oh sure," the old lady returned, "That's why I'm driving so fast. I'm just trying to follow it's instruction."

Dumbfounded, the officer was momentarily speechless.

"Just what sign are you talking about, Ma'am?" he asked, when he finally recovered.

Smiling up at the officer, the old lady placed a gentle hand on his wrist and said, "Why, the one that said 'Speed Zone Ahead', of course!"

This joke provided courtesy of FunnyandJokes.com, all rights reserved.

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