A: Such number as may be deemed necessary to perform the stated task in a timely and efficient manner within the strictures of the following agreement. Whereas the party of the first part, also known as ‘the lawyers’ and the party of the second part, also known as ‘the light bulb’ do hereby agree to a transaction wherein the party of the second part shall be removed from the current position as a result of failure to perform previously agreed upon duties, i.e. the lighting, elucidation, and otherwise illumination of the area ranging from the front (North) door, through the entryway, terminating at an area just through the primary living area, demarcated by the beginning of the carpet, any spillover illumination being at the option of the party of the second part and not required by the aforementioned agreement between the parties. The aforementioned removal transaction shall include, but not be limited to, the following steps:

1. The party of the first part shall, with or without elevation at his option, by means of a chair, step stool, ladder or any other means of elevation, grasp the party of the second part and rotate the party of the second part in a counter clockwise direction, said direction being non-negotiable. Said grasping and rotation of the party of the second part shall be undertaken by the party of the first part to maintain the structural integrity of the party of the second part, notwithstanding the aforementioned failure of the party of the second part to perform the customary and agreed upon duties. The foregoing notwithstanding, however, both parties stipulate that structural failure of the party of the second part may be incidental to the aforementioned failure to perform and in such case the party of the first part shall be held blameless for such structural failure insofar as the non-negotiable directional codicil is observed by the party of the first part throughout.

2. Upon reaching a point where the party of the second part becomes seperated from the party of the third part, also known as the ‘receptacle’, the party of the first part shall have the option of disposing of the party of the second part in a manner consistent with all applicable state, local, and federal statutes.

3. Once separation and disposal have been achieved, the party of the first part shall have the option of beginning the installation of the party of the fourth part, also known as ‘new light bulb’. This installation shall occur in a manner consistent with the reverse procedures described in step one of this self same document, being careful to note that the rotation should occur in a clockwise direction, said direction also being non-negotiable and only until the party of the fourth part becomes snug in the party of the third part and in fact becomes the party of the second part.

Note: The above described steps may be performed, at the option of the party of the first part, by said party of the first part, or by his or her heirs and assigns, or by any and all persons authorized by him or her to do sum the objective being to produce a level of illumination in the immediate vicinity of the aforementioned front (North) door consistent with maximisation of ingress and revenue for the party of the fifth part, also known as ‘The Firm’.

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10. Pull into a gas station and use the window washer to wash your entire car.

9. Ask a bank teller to break a $100 bill for you. Then when asked how you want it done say, “in hundreds”.

8. Call a political candidate’s campaign office and ask them for a donation to your non-candidacAy.

7. Ask a security guard how it feels knowing that in all the action movies the security guards are always the first to die.

6. When you get credit card offers in the mail, stuff the prepaid envelopes with toilet paper and mail them back. (whether you use new or used toilet paper is totally up to you.)

5. Call your bank and ask them to add your checking account onto the $700 billion government bail out plan.

4. Find someone who is big into worrying about the threat of global warming, remind them of their own carbon dioxide and body heat contribution to the planet, and ask them to stop it.

3. Ask a judge if you can get away with murder as long as you can convince a jury of your peers ahead of time that it is justified.

2. Send a bill to every TV station, radio station, cell phone company, and satellite company, charging them an “access fee” for the waves they broadcast through your property. If they refuse payment, charge them with trespassing.

And the #1 Sarcastic Dare…

1. Circulate a petition to put “intelligent human beings” on the endangered species list.

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The officer took off after the speeder and soon had the car pulled over on the side of the road. Expecting trouble with such a reckless driver, the patrolman approached cautiously.

To his surprise the driver of the offending vehicle was a little old lady, barely tall enough to see over the steering wheel.

“Ma’am,” the officer began. “Do you know how fast you were going?”

“I was just getting her up around 90, I believe, officer,” the old lady answered calmly, peering up at him through her bifocals. “Why, what seems to be the problem?”

Shocked, the officer returned her comment, “What seems to be the problem? Why, this is a 35mph zone! That’s the problem. Didn’t you see the sign?”

“Oh sure,” the old lady returned, “That’s why I’m driving so fast. I’m just trying to follow it’s instruction.”

Dumbfounded, the officer was momentarily speechless.

“Just what sign are you talking about, Ma’am?” he asked, when he finally recovered.

Smiling up at the officer, the old lady placed a gentle hand on his wrist and said, “Why, the one that said ‘Speed Zone Ahead’, of course!”

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The World’s Economic Viruses

Government Virus – Nothing seems to get better, but all the elected officials say it’s getting better.

Political Virus – Doesn’t actually do anything, but you can’t get rid of it until the next election.

Econometrician Virus – Sixty percent of the economies infected will lose 17 percent of their GDP 12 percent of the time (+/- a 2% margin of error).

Marxian Virus – Helps your economy go into a depression whenever it wants to.

Environmental Virus – Before allowing you to fix the recession, it first asks you if you’ve considered the alternatives.

Chinese Virus – Crashes your economy, but denies it ever happened and calls you a liar.

AIG Virus – Makes sure it’s too big to fail, while crashing everything else.

Stimulus Virus – Puts your economy in a recession for four years. When you finally recover, you’re 10 trillion more dollars in debt.

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What is the biggest ant in the world? An elephant!

Why did the kid study in an airplane? He wanted a higher education!

Why is Alabama the smartest state in the USA? Because it has 4 A’s and one B! (PS – kids… Alabama really isn’t a smart state!)

Why do birds fly south in the winter? Because it’s too far to walk!

What runs but never walks? Water!

What kind of car does Mickey Mouse’s wife drive? A Minnie van!

How did Noah see the animals on the Ark at night? With flood lights!

Feel free to add your own kids jokes in the comments. Try to make them suitable for your own 7 year old child, and something you wouldn’t be upset at them repeated (no gross Johnny jokes for example).

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He sees his first patient and asks him, “Ralph, how much is six times six?” Ralph responds “74.” He asks the next resident, “Tim, how much is six times six?” Tom responds, “Thursday.” Expecting more of the same, he approaches Randy and asks him, “Randy, how much is six times?” “THIRTY-SIX” replies Randy. “That’s right Randy, well done! Now tell me how did you know that answer?” “Oh it was easy… I just subtracted 74 from Thursday!”

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“You can win every case you try for the rest of your life. Your clients will adore you, your colleagues will stand in awe of you, and you will make embarrassing sums of money. All I want in exchange is your your husband’s soul, your children’s souls, the souls of your parents, grandparents, and the souls of all your friends and law partners.”

The lawyer ponders this for a moment, then finally asks: “So, what’s the catch?”

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Frustrated the ropes walk out and, since this was the only bar in town, they thought about it a little while when finally one rope says “I’ve got an idea.” So he gets him self into a bind and frizzles his ends and walks back into the bar and says “Barkeep, can I get a couple of beers.”

The barkeep says “Sure, but aren’t you those same two ropes that came in here earlier?” The rope answers “Nope, I’m a frayed knot.”

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The blonde woman replies, “I’m blonde, I’m beautiful, I’m going to  Chicago and I’m staying right here.”

After repeated attempts and no success convicing the woman to return to economy, the flight attendant goes into the cockpit and informs the pilot and co-pilot that there’s a blonde bimbo sitting in first class who refuses to go back to her proper seat.

The co-pilot goes back to the woman and explains why she needs to move, but once again the woman replies by saying, “I’m blonde, I’m beautiful, I’m going to  Chicago and I’m staying right here.”

The co-pilot returns to the cockpit and suggests that perhaps they should have the arrival gate call the police and have the woman arrested when they land. The pilot says, “You say she’s blonde? I’ll handle this. I’m married to a blonde. I speak blonde.” He kneels down next to the woman and whispers quietly in her ear, and she says, “Oh, I’m sorry,” then quickly moves back to her seat in economy class.

The flight attendant and co-pilot are amazed and ask him what he said to get her to move back to economy without causing any fuss.

“I told her first class isn’t going to Chicago.”

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Q: How many Psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Only one, but the bulb has to really WANT to change.
A2: None; the bulb will change itself when it is ready.

Q: How many ‘Real Women’ does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None: A ‘Real Woman’ would have plenty of ‘real men’ around to do it.

Q: How many ‘Real Men’ does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None: ‘Real Men’ aren’t afraid of the dark (guess the women are screwed).

Q: How many government workers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Twenty. Eighteen to stand around, one to change the bulb, and another to supervise.

Q: How many Roman Catholics does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two. One to do the screwing, and one to hear the confession.

Q: What is the difference between a pregnant woman and a light bulb?
A: You can unscrew a light bulb.

Q: How many economists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None. If the government would just leave it alone, it would screw itself in.

Q: How many country singers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two. One to change the bulb, another to write a song about how good the old light bulb was.

Q: How many Republicans does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None, they only screw the poor (ouch.. I can’t believe I posted this one).

Q: How many doctors does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Three. One to find a bulb specialist, one to refer an installation specialist, and another to bill it all to Medicare.

Q: How many college football players does it take to change a light bulb?
A: The entire team! And they all get a semester’s credit for it too.

Q: How many stock brokers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Two. One to take out the bulb and drop it, and the other to try and sell it before it crashes.

Ok folks, that’s all I’ve got for now. But hey, if you’ve got any more – post ‘em in the comments!

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