Every time I find the meaning of life, they change it.

Oh sure. But what's the speed of dark?

What's another word for Thesaurus?

Don't miss today worrying about tomorrow.

I think therefore we have nothing in common.

With my life I could be on all of Oprah's shows.

Computers help us to do stupid things faster.

Welcome to California. Now Go Home.

Don't Californicate Oregon.

My Hockey Mom Can Beat Up Your Soccer Mom

If you always take time to stop and smell the roses...sooner or later, you'll inhale a bee.

GROW YOUR OWN DOPE, PLANT A MAN

All Men Are Animals, Some Just Make Better Pets .

Some people are only alive because it is illegal to shoot them.

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Puritanism: the haunting fear that someone somewhere may be happy.

Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home.

3 kinds of people: those who can count and those who can't.

Auntie Em, Hate you; Hate Kansas; Taking the dog. --Dorothy.

Lead me not into temptation, I can find it myself.

I am not a bum - My wife works

I am not unemployed I am a consultant

I'm out of bed and dressed, what more do you want?

Don't Start With Me. You Know How I Get.

A good day is when the shit hits the fan and I have time to duck.

I get enough exercise just pushing my luck!

Jack Kevorkian for White House Physician.

Humpty Dumpty didn't fall...he was pushed.

Life is a sexually transmitted disease.

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Are you stoned or just stupid?

I gave up drinking, smoking and sex - Worst 15 minutes of my life

I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory

If the music's too loud you're too old

Subvert the Dominant Paradigm

My karma ran over my dogma

Chicken Little was Right!

Born to Shop

We're Spending our Kids Inheritance

If you're rich, I'm single

I want to die in my sleep like grandpa. Not yelling and screaming like the passengers in his car!

Montana - At least our cows are sane!

According to my calculations the problem doesn't exist.

Friends don't let friends drive naked.

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Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.

Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.

Very funny, Scotty. Now beam down my clothes.

We are Microsoft. Resistance Is Futile. You Will Be Assimilated.

Why is 'abbreviation' such a long word?

Diplomacy is the art of saying 'Nice doggie!'... till you can find a rock.

Procrastinators Unite!... Tomorrow

Dyslexics Untie!

I like you, but I wouldn't want to see you working with subatomic particles.

Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.

Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.

Seen it all, done it all, can't remember most of it.

My reality check bounced

Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?

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Eat Right, Exercise, Die Anyway

If Walking Is So Good For You, Then Why Does My Mailman Look Like Jabba The Hut?

Body By Nautilus; Brain By Mattel

I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.

When there's a will, I want to be in it!

Been There - Shit Happened

Time is the best teacher; Unfortunately it kills all its students!

Time is what keeps everything from happening at once.

Warning: Dates in Calendar are closer than they appear.

She's always late. Her ancestors arrived on the June Flower.

It's lonely at the top, but you eat better.

Forget about World Peace.....Visualize Using Your Turn Signal !

Visualize Whirled Peas

Give me ambiguity or give me something else.

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Avenge Yourself - Be a problem to your children

When the chips are down, the buffalo is empty.

I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.

He's not dead, he's electroencephalographically challenged.

You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted, then used against you.

Why be difficult - Be impossible

I wonder how much deeper would the ocean be without sponges.

Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how it remains so popular?

Make the world a better place; kill a bigot

The first boat people were white

God created Whiskey to keep the Irish from ruling the world

When I grow up, I wanna be just like Barbie. That BITCH has EVERYTHING!

Wanna get laid? Crawl up a chicken's ass and wait!

Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

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Save the Dolphins. What did the cows do wrong?

Help wanted-telepath: you know where to apply

I still miss my wife, But my aim is improving

A woman without a man is like a fish without a bicycle

Women who seek to be equal to men lack ambition.

Sometimes I wake up grumpy. Other times I let him/her sleep.

Help! I Farted and can't roll down my windows!

What if the whole world FARTED at the same time?

What part of "No" don't you understand?

Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film

When all else fails manipulate the data

A day without sunshine is like, night.

Love thy neighbor, but don't brag about it.

On the other hand, you have different fingers.

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Sex on television can't hurt you unless you fall off.

Wink, I'll do the rest!

Will work for food - Will beg for sex

Who lit the fuse on your tampon?

Contraceptives should be used on every conceivable occasion.

Discourage Inbreeding - Ban Country Music

Boldly Going Nowhere

Metaphors be with you

Money Isn't Everything, But It Sure Keeps The Kids In Touch

Ask me about microwaving cats for fun and profit.

If we aren't supposed to eat animals, why are they made of meat?

Unless you're the lead dog, the view doesn't change

Save the whales. Collect the whole set.

I love cats...they taste just like chicken.

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The road to hell is paved with democrats

Empty the prisons - Make room for congress

I.R.S.: We've got what it takes to take what you've got.

Save Your Breath ... You'll need it to blow up your date!

So you're a feminist...Isn't that cute.

I need someone really bad...Are you really bad

WANTED: Meaningful overnight relationship.

I'm shy, but I have a big dick

500,000 battered women and I'm still eating mine plain

Nice guys finish last and bring you breakfast in bed.

Are you into casual sex, or should I dress up?

You'll need to know my name. You'll be screaming it later.

I lost my virginity, but I still have the box it came in.

I can hold my own. But I'd rather hold yours.

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Horn broken - watch for finger

Nothing to lose (on an old rusted out Pontiac)

Don't follow me, I'm lost

If you can read this sticker, I can slam on my brakes and claim damages from you

If We Quit Voting Will They All Go Away?

Talk is Cheap - until you hire a lawyer.

Forget the Flag. Burn a Politician.

I love my country. It's the government that pisses me off.

Don't be stupid. We have politicians for that.

Nothing political is correct.

First Hilary, then Jennifer - now us

Do you trust a government that doesn't trust you with guns?

Dole for Pineapple.

Buy American while there is still time!

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