The bartender, intrigued, gives him the go-ahead. The man gingerly lifts the alligator up onto a table. By this point, everybody in the bar is gawking at this strange man and his pet.

The man grins around the room. Having a new audience, he clears his throat and says "This is Allie the Amazing Alligator, and he is so well-trained that I can do this," He balls up his fist and gives the alligator a swift crack on the head. "OPEN!" He says. The alligator opens his mouth. Before the bartender can do anything, the man unzips his fly and whips it out. He gingerly places his penis in the front of the alligator's gaping maw. He wallops the alligator once more and says "CLOSE!" And the alligator ever-so-gently closes his terrifying jaws comfortably around his junk. One last time, he raps his head and says "OPEN!" He removes his unharmed manhood, and tucks it safely back into his pants.

The crowd applauds, and he takes a bow. With all eyes still focused on him, he says "Now, any of you guys have the balls to do that, I'll buy you a drink and give you fifty dollars." Silence falls over the bar, and everyone looks around for someone who might be willing to take the bet. After a few endless, uncomfortable seconds, A little dude in the back slowly raises his hand and says "I'll do it, but you have to promise not to hit me so hard."

This joke provided courtesy of FunnyandJokes.com, all rights reserved.

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"Holy crap!" says the bartender, completely livid. He says to the man, "Did you see what your stupid monkey just did?"

"Nope. What did he do this time?" says the man.

"He just swallowed one of the balls off the pool table, whole!" says the bartender.

"Yeah, well I hope it kills him 'cause he's been driving me nuts" says the man.

After finishing his drink, the man leaves.

A few weeks later the man returns to the bar with his monkey. After ordering a drink, the monkey starts running wild around the bar again. Up on the bar, he monkey finds some peanuts. He grabs one out of the bowl, sticks it up his butt, then pulls it out and eats it. The bartender is disgusted.

"Did you see what your stupid monkey did this time?" he asks.

"What now?" responds the man.

"He stuck a peanut up his butt, then pulled it out and ate it!" says the bartender.

"Well, what do you expect?" replied the man. "Ever since he ate that pool ball he measures everything first!"

This joke provided courtesy of FunnyandJokes.com, all rights reserved.

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"Huh?" said the pirate, "What do you mean?"

"Oy, you've got a wooden leg! What happened?" said the bartender.

"Well," said the pirate, "Our ship was in a fierce sea battle, and me leg got hit by a cannon ball, but I'm fine now."

"What about that hook? What happened to your hand?" again asked the bartender.

So the pirate explained, "We were in another battle. I boarded a ship and got into a sword fight. Me hand was cut off. I got fitted with a hook... but I'm fine, really."

"What about that eye patch?"

"Oh," said the pirate, "One fine day at sea a flock of birds flew over. I looked up, and one of them shit in me damn eye."

"You're kidding," said the bartender. "You couldn't lose an eye just from bird shit."

"It was me first day with the hook."

This joke provided courtesy of FunnyandJokes.com, all rights reserved.

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A few laps later, the bartender says "Earnhardt is up to 15th!" The dog jumps up again and runs around the barstool 15 times. A couple laps later, the bartender excitedly says "Earnhardt is up to 2nd!" after which the dog again jumps up and runs around the barstool 2 more times...

The bartender says "WOW!! That dog is amazing!! What does he do if Dale Jr. wins?"

"I don't know", says the man, "I've only had him for 3 years!"

This joke provided courtesy of FunnyandJokes.com, all rights reserved.

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After a few minutes of silence, the priest politely taps on the window... nothing. The priest taps again and this time clears his throat a bit... still nothing. At this point the priest begins to lose his patience and bangs on the window.

Finally the dunk yells out... "Ain't no use knocking, there ain't no paper over here either!"

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Pirate Walks Into A Bar

So this pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel in his pants. Confused, the bartender asks "Hey bud, why do you have a steering wheel in your pants?"

"I don't know" the pirate says, "but it's driving me nuts!"

PS - why do they even call them pirates? You know, those Somali boat hijackers? They don't have wooden legs, they don't captain huge sailboats or have parrots on their shoulders. They're skinny little black men with AK-47's. Discuss.

This joke provided courtesy of FunnyandJokes.com, all rights reserved.

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So the guy sits down on a stool, hangs his head and tells the curious bartender, "Well, my first blow job." The bartender smiles and replies, "Yea, that's a splendid occasion indeed. Let me get you one more drink, on the house!"

"Nah," the guy replies... "If thirteen doesn't get the taste out, nothing will."

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Frustrated the ropes walk out and, since this was the only bar in town, they thought about it a little while when finally one rope says "I've got an idea." So he gets him self into a bind and frizzles his ends and walks back into the bar and says "Barkeep, can I get a couple of beers."

The barkeep says "Sure, but aren't you those same two ropes that came in here earlier?" The rope answers "Nope, I'm a frayed knot."

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• The first four men (the poorest) would pay nothing.
• The fifth would pay $1.
• The sixth would pay $3.
• The seventh would pay $7.
• The eighth would pay $12.
• The ninth would pay $18.
• The tenth man (the richest) would pay $59.

So, that's what they decided to do. The ten men drank in the bar every day and seemed quite happy with the arrangement, until one day, the owner threw them a curve. "Since you are all such good customers," he said, "I'm going to reduce the cost of your daily beer by $20."

Drinks for the ten now cost just $80

The group still wanted to pay their bill the way we pay our taxes so the first four men were unaffected. They would still drink for free. But what about the other six men - the paying customers? How could they divide the $20 windfall so that everyone would get his 'fair share?'

They realized that $20 divided by six is $3.33. But if they subtracted that from everybody's share, then the fifth man and the sixth man would each end up being paid to drink his beer. So, the bar owner suggested that it would be fair to reduce each man's bill by roughly the same amount, and he proceeded to work out the amounts each should pay! And so...

• The fifth man, like the first four, now paid nothing (100% savings).
• The sixth now paid $2 instead of $3 (33%savings).
• The seventh now paid $5 instead of $7 (28%savings).
• The eighth now paid $9 instead of $12 (25% savings).
• The ninth now paid $14 instead of $18 (22% savings).
• The tenth now paid $49 instead of $59 (16% savings).

Each of the six was better off than before. And the first four continued to drink for free. But once outside the restaurant, the men began to compare their savings.

"I only got a dollar out of the $20," declared the sixth man. He pointed to the tenth man, "but he got $10!"

"Yeah, that's right," exclaimed the fifth man. "I only saved a dollar, too. It's unfair that he got ten times more than I!"

"That's true!" shouted the seventh man. "Why should he get $10 back when I got only two? The wealthy get all the breaks!"

"Wait a minute," yelled the first four men in unison. "We didn't get anything at all. The system exploits the poor!" The nine men surrounded the tenth and beat him up.

The next night the tenth man didn't show up for drinks, so the nine sat down and had beers without him. But when it came time to pay the bill, they discovered something important. They didn't have enough money between all of them for even half of the bill!

And that, boys and girls, journalists and college professors, is how our tax system works. The people who pay the highest taxes get the most benefit from a tax reduction. Tax them too much, attack them for being wealthy, and they just may not show up anymore. In fact, they might start drinking overseas where the atmosphere is somewhat friendlier.

David R. Kamerschen, Ph.D.
Professor of Economics, University of Georgia

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"I was swept overboard during a fierce storm," says the pirate. "and a bloody shark bit off me whole darn leg!"

"Holy cow!" said the sailor. "What about the hook, how'd you get that?"

"Me crew and I were boarding an enemy ship, a fierce sword battle ensued. One of them cut me darn arm!"

"Absolutely incredible!" gasped the sailor. "And the eye patch, tell me how you got that?"

"A bloody seagull dropping fell into me eye," replied the pirate.

"Umm, you lost your eye to a seagull dropping?" asked the sailor, admonished.

Embarassed, the pirate answered "It was me first day with the hook."

This joke provided courtesy of FunnyandJokes.com, all rights reserved.

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